Parked in Fuck Slope

If you’re brave stupid enough to keep wheels in the Slope, then you probably look forward to legal and religious holidays for more meaningful reasons than not working and spending time with loved ones: you don’t have to move your car.

I’ve set up a series of email reminders and phone alarms that alert me 15 minutes prior to the dreadful 1.5 hour window twice a week when the street sweeper cometh.  Here’s how the hell it plays out for any number of us during street cleaning time, between 11:30AM and 1:00PM:

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Heads up, 7UP: Associated Market Does Free Delivery

Tired of heavy plastic bags cutting into the cold palms of your hands as you make your way home from the grocery store? Overestimate your ability to lug home laundry detergent, cat litter, a crate of clementines and 6 other bags of shit? Fear no more! The helpful staff at Associated Market will deliver your goods -- for free! Simply write your name & address on a post-it and they'll box up your goods and send you on your way, swinging your empty hands as you skip down 5th Avenue.

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This is My Favorite Yelp Review Of The Gate

Photo via www.thousandbars.blogspot.com

Let's get right to it. I love this harshly hilarious Yelp review of neighborhood bar The Gate:

The black, beating heart of Park Slope.  The Gate is notable for its ex(t/p)ensive beer selection, outdoor patio and for its impressive ability to embody everything that is both charming and unpalatable about Park Slope.

On a good day, The Gate is a quiet, cosy spot where you can enjoy a few pints of the good stuff and watch the world go by.  Dogs gaze over at you longingly for a scratch behind the ears, sunlight pours into the patio, and the craft beers flow.

On a bad day, it's a smug, unfriendly den of snobbery.  The service here generally ranges from poor to outright hostile, The Gate is doing you a favour, you just happen to be there.  Babies and toddlers named after medieval tradesmen (Hunter, Cooper, Fletcher etc.) crawl out of and over every nook and cranny, running amok and writhing all over the floor as their owners exchange Bukowski quotes and vegan recipes.  If you have the misfortune of finding yourself at The Gate during football season, you will open the door to a plethora of bearded alterna-dads desperately trying to high five and yell their way back to some distant memory of masculinity that got lost somewhere between a double wide stroller and an organic soy milk latté.

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Riding The N/Q Over The Manhattan Bridge: You Can't Beat That View

Via Erica's Webstagram Page - She has so many great bridge shots!

I only recently discovered the beauty of traveling to Manhattan via the N or the Q -- or any other line besides the dingy, rickety, glacial paced R train, which is conveniently located a stone's throw from my apartment. Hey, I just moved here a few months ago and my trusty Hop Stop app never mentioned any other route. A whole new world opened up to me when I learned the error of my lazy ass ways. The splendor of the N/Q isn't just in the speed and slickness. In the words of Park Slope resident, Randy Kennedy (via the NYT):

"For the price of a ride you’re suspended 135 feet above the city, looking out the windows to the southwest across the mouth of the East River toward the choiring strings of the Brooklyn Bridge and, far beyond, the brilliant oxidized green of the Statue of Liberty. In an illusion created by the perspective of the moving subway car, she appears to be gliding along the deck of the bridge — the world’s most famous hunk of French neo-Classicism, disco skating backward into Manhattan."

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Commercial Shoot Invades Park Slope With Mean Sociological Experiment.

Photo via Jordanhoffman.com

Last Friday I dropped by Associated Market on 5th Ave. My mission was simple: buy toilet paper.

As the cashier checks me out, loud bells ring and colorful balloons pour from the ceiling.  A man in a sharp suit emerges holding a giant check as an eager reporter bobs a microphone in a shocked man’s face. The cameras roll. “Congratulations sir," the man in the suit says. "You’re our millionth customer! You just won $50,000.00!” 

As they whisk him away, a woman starts yelling about how the man cut her in line and she’s entitled to the winnings. They tell her to take it up with the manager and ignore her as she storms out in a fury. Her acting was poor though, so I start to think I'm in the midst of an Improv Everywhere skit. At the very least, this was a familiar scene I'd viewed on that show What Would You Do? I ask the cashier what the deal is and she gives me an awkward smile. She can’t say anything.

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