An Open Letter to Pole-Leaning Douchebags On The Subway

(via Flatbush Vegan)

Dear asshole fuck on the subway,

I know that you think that because you're wearing a Brooks Brothers suit (ed note: we couldn't find a Brooks Brothers suit wearing ahole...sorry. This Asian one will have to do) with gold cuff links, douchey horn-rimmed glasses, Gucci loafers, and a watch that costs more than my parents' house that you own the place, but look around.

You are on the A train my friend–where all men are created equal.

No, actually–I take that back. Right now, I prefer the homeless man who is mumbling incoherently and pretending to read a Korean newspaper. I prefer him for one very important reason: he is not leaning up against the pole.

People who lean up against the pole on the subway should get the shit smacked out of them. I know you think you look so cool and casually aloof, leaning up against the pole, reading your copy of The New Yorker (hooray for droll, unfunny comics!!!!!).

No, sir, actually, to any reasonable person, you look like a giant douchebag. You are denying about 10 people the ability to hang out to something in the subway car, which, by the way, is careening through the depths of New York City at about 750 mph, jostling everyone back and forth like we're all in a large-scale pin ball machine.

Since you've denied me access to the pole that you're monopolizing, I am forced to take on a stance that is not unlike the catcher on a baseball team–legs spread, knees bent–as brace myself for the next abrupt stop.

I hate you SO MUCH.

Best,

Amanda

PS: Long-ish short hair with side-swept bands only looks good on lesbians, jackass, not Wall Street types. Get a fucking crew cut so you can look like everyone else down at the unemployment office.