An Open Letter to Pole-Leaning Douchebags On The Subway
Amanda | Thursday, March 19, 2009 at 12:10AM 
(via Flatbush Vegan)
Dear asshole fuck on the subway,
I know that you think that because you're wearing a Brooks Brothers suit (ed note: we couldn't find a Brooks Brothers suit wearing ahole...sorry. This Asian one will have to do) with gold cuff links, douchey horn-rimmed glasses, Gucci loafers, and a watch that costs more than my parents' house that you own the place, but look around.
You are on the A train my friend–where all men are created equal.
No, actually–I take that back. Right now, I prefer the homeless man who is mumbling incoherently and pretending to read a Korean newspaper. I prefer him for one very important reason: he is not leaning up against the pole.
People who lean up against the pole on the subway should get the shit smacked out of them. I know you think you look so cool and casually aloof, leaning up against the pole, reading your copy of The New Yorker (hooray for droll, unfunny comics!!!!!).
No, sir, actually, to any reasonable person, you look like a giant douchebag. You are denying about 10 people the ability to hang out to something in the subway car, which, by the way, is careening through the depths of New York City at about 750 mph, jostling everyone back and forth like we're all in a large-scale pin ball machine.
Since you've denied me access to the pole that you're monopolizing, I am forced to take on a stance that is not unlike the catcher on a baseball team–legs spread, knees bent–as brace myself for the next abrupt stop.
I hate you SO MUCH.
Best,
Amanda
PS: Long-ish short hair with side-swept bands only looks good on lesbians, jackass, not Wall Street types. Get a fucking crew cut so you can look like everyone else down at the unemployment office.
Dbag OR Not, amanda, subway 
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Reader Comments (12)
In the future, stop being a pussy and tell them to move and spare us the horrid blog story...
Telling them to move never works for me. I usually have to either shove to hand onto the pole and purposely punch their back in order to get them to move. It's the only thing that works. Clearly, the previous poster has never been on the subway.
An "Excuse, Me" in the key of Seriously? has never failed me. And I live along the A and I've lived along the 7 both are constantly packed.
That hand smuggling, knuckling passive aggressive shit will one day get you one upside the head. Make eye contact and use your outside voice. Embarrassment is a powerful subway tool.
In that situation you need to be like "Hey pole humper" or "Hey pole molester, you expecting all of us to shower you with dollar bills or something? No? Then stop grinding on that pole like you're working for tips to keep the lights on! Other people need to be able to use that thing for things other than proctology exams".
"This Asian"
Disgusting!
OK, I'm deeply disgusted and horrified that this Web log allows users to pretend to be other users. For instance, there are a bunch of asinine comments on "Benjamin's" post about degrading strip bars in Park Slope. Believe me, I'm not that kind of a pig of a man.
Then, the first commenter expresses his/her frustration and shame that FIPS would post such tripe and he/she is ATTACKED by the vile parana that call themselves "hipsters."
Cowards! You anonymous commenters are COWARDS!
My offer stands for action against this embarrassing web log.
Please, other readers, do NOT use my name to post your garbage on this sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, racist 'blog.
-Burkelee Carroll
burkelee.carrol[at]gmail[dot]com
Action at the "Leaf" Saturday! The people united will never be defeated!
Two "Ls" in Carroll. See? This mess has angered and confused even me.
burkelee.carroll[at]gmail[dot]com
Since the types who lean on the pole are the same tards who just can't seem to move into the car or get out of the door, a simple 'excuse me' almost never works. I'll try an 'excuse me' and follow it up quick with knuckles to the spine if that ass ain't moving!
I like to force my hand behind their head, pulling hair. That usually works, when they turn around with that WTF look, I'm already glaring and stare straight at them...
OR, sometimes I've pretended not to notice that I pulled their hair, when they turn around, I'm kinda staring off absent minded looking. When they turn around again, I accidently pull more hair. It turns into a game, sometimes they just get off the train.
The best way to get people to move on the subway is to have no home, smell like shit, and appear filthy and disease-ridden. You'll get all the room you want!
The bums monopolizing the whole end of the F train in the morning have one thing going for them...personal space during rush-hour.
Oh c'mon Amanda - nice - take the easy way out and blame it on some phantom "Brooks Brothers suit wearing" guy with a floppy haircut (read white guy with an office job). Ooh, he's a white guy wearing a suit, he's gotta be a douche. Could you be any more of a cliche?
Nine times out of ten the people acting like aholes and leaning up against the poles are young black men dressed like thugs. At least on the N and the D, the white guys in suits are the ones who are giving up their seats for women or trying to avoid getting run over by the Asian people getting on at Canal St. who don't care if they trample a little kid as long as they get a seat.
Next time, try for a little originality or honesty with your whining.
http://www.peoplewhositinthedisabilityseatswhenimstandingonmycrutches.com/
^^ this site is great! there should be one called polehumpers.com.
Seriously these people who basically nestle the pole in their buttcrack make me CRAZY. like i really want to put my hand there now!!