Park Slope Border Argument Totally Solved; AND Introducing the BLOCK-OFF

The borders of Brooklyn neighborhoods possess the fluidity of a drunken octopus (Eastwilliamgreenbushwickpointbedstuyburg, anyone?).

Where the hell Park Slope begins and ends is anyone's guess: the borders often spill into Prospect Heights to the east, Gowanus to the west, Boerum Hill to the north and Sunset Park and Windsor Terrace to the south.

The obvious choice would be to just blame this expansive phenomenon on the realtors, but I also place some blame on those who blur the lines by incorrectly claiming Park Slope as their hood, those who frame Sunset Park as “South Slope,” those who just don’t know any better and have turned Park Slope into a brand.

In short, I choose to blame everyone.

I first moved to Brooklyn back in April of 2001, into a basement-level apartment in a largely Hasidic Jewish swath of Midwood on Avenue N & East 3rd St, near the Bensonhurst border. If I wanted to interact with other twentysomethings, I left the neighborhood. In my first six months there, I twice found, abandoned on the sidewalks of the neighborhood, fake beards. It made me wonder just how many Hasidic men were faking it…this was not Park Slope.

After two years living there, I moved up the F line to the fancily-named Kensington neighborhood. The park was now a quick walk away & the police station was blocks away (key for when I got mugged at the front door to my building!) and I lived on the same street as the Kensington Stables. Having the stables right down the street meant both increased interaction with horses (awesome) & increased interaction with horse poop (anti-awesome)...this was more Park Slope, but still not Park Slope.

Now I’ve moved up to 4th Ave and 21st St.

When I originally found my current apartment on craigslist, it was advertised as being in “Park Slope/Greenwood.” I have to give my landlord some credit: most real estate listings aren’t even frank enough to include the “Greenwood” designation. In the two years I’ve lived here, new bars & new restaurants & new coffee shops & new wine stores & new Park Slopey establishments have made their way down 5th ave all the way to my street. When I tell people where I live, they often say “oh, Park Slope” & I nod & smile because it’s just easier that way…but I know it’s technically not Park Slope & by technically, I mean that Wikipedia defines Park Slope’s borders as:

“…roughly bounded by Prospect Park West to the east, Fourth Avenue to the west, Park Place to the north and 15th Street to the south, though other definitions are sometimes offered.”

…closer still but still not Park Slope.

Why does this matter to me or more importantly, to you? Actually, no…more importantly to me…but you’re still important in other ways. Over the coming weeks, I will be spouting out block-by-block rundowns of every single business in Park Slope, in two block chunks. Each rundown will pit two blocks against each other (12th to 11th vs 11th to 10th, for example) & through the use of a vague & complicated rating system based on qualities such as…

- name hilarity
- usefulness to a male in his mid-thirties
- conduciveness to hanging out
- storefront awesomeness
- clusterfuckness
- misspellings
- empty storefronts

…each time I will declare one of the two blocks the winner, honoring it with a coveted BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK award…so clearly, I needed to establish some borders.

Beyond Park Slope
With my borders now clearly defined & the Celtics-Mavericks game now long over (although it was clearly over early in the 1st half), I got bored & decided to go to my most frequented bar-of-the-moment, Buttermilk, located on 5th Ave just outside the clearly defined Park Slope border, for an early Sunday evening pint of Brooklyn Lager.

While there, I asked the bartender if she felt we were in Park Slope.

Her initial answer spoke to the general uncertainty surrounding the Park Slope borders—“well yeah…South Slope.” We chatted briefly beyond that & when I explained to her my reason for defining the borders & that Buttermilk fell just outside those borders, she questioned my methods with something that amounted to “so you’re going to talk about Blockbuster but not us? Blockbuster but not Sidecar?”…& she has a point on some level. I feel like this is how a lot of people determine what is Park Slope & what isn’t. If it feels like Park Slope, it’s Park Slope.

Of course, Blockbuster doesn’t actually feel like anything, but sitting beneath the low lights of Buttermilk with seven or so people, it felt like Park Slope, even though it technically isn’t within the boundaries…unless somebody goes onto Wikipedia & pulls some Ted Kennedy/Robert Byrd shizz...which I, for legal purposes, totally don’t endorse.

Buttermilk, 577 5th Ave (corner of 16th), 718-788-6297
Sidecar, 566 5th Ave (btwn 15th & 16th), 718-369-0077, sidecarbrooklyn.com

(Stay tuned for our first official Block-Off...it drops tomorrow)