YOUR BEST FIPS COMMENTS: JUNE/JULY

Perhaps one of the most entertaining things about writing for FIPS is reading all of the passionate (read: rude, misspelled) comments from our readers.  Who knew that a topic as simple as hamburgers could result in a threats of physical violence?  Everyone is SO MAD ALL OF THE TIME.   

So, we did a round-up of the best comments from the month of June and July.  They made us laugh, they made us cry, they made us question whether or not we should call the police, etc, etc.

Take a look!  Note that the comments were posted as-is.  We didn't fix grammar or spelling.  Normally, bad grammar makes us [sic] (see what I did there?  A NERD JOKE), but we wanted to make sure that the commenters were represented exactly how they represented themselves, caps lock, spelling errors and all!

JUNE:From Park Slope Says Enough is Enough: Baby Doll Genocide (June 8, 2011)

One of our readers sent us a particularly terrifying photo of a bunch of babydolls being thrown away, so we had to write a post about it.  "Sqam," always one to tell us what's what, commented on what a great news story this was.  Hey, I come from a town so small that it's breaking news when a new litter of puppies is born down at Tom Tower's Orchards, so babydoll genocide is VERY interesting to me.   

From Who Gives a Shit: Do You Hate on Businesses That You've Never Stepped Foot in? (June 13, 2011)

"Don't judge a book by it's cover," ugly people often tell you.  But goddamn, sometimes you're justified in hating someone you've never really gotten to know, am I right?  The same thing can be attributed to places you've never been to.  For example, I've never been to a methadone clinic, but I'm pretty sure I'd hate the shit out of it there.  It's all relative.  The big question asked in this post was, "Are we a bunch of dbags for hating places we've never been to?"  The answer is obviously yes, and "Thomas" pointed it out for us.  Thanks guy, looks like you've read this book already.   

From Who Gives a Shit: Take-Out Delivery Tipping (June 14, 2011)

If Sex & the City has taught me anything (it hasn't), nobody in New York City knows how to cook, everyone uses their stove to store shoes in, and waiting YEARS for a douchey guy who looks vaguely like The Joker and ultimately marrying him is "romantic." 

Anyway, NYC bitches order a lot of take-out, right?  We sure do!  We were asking if we should tip delivery guys 15-20% which, I must say, is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.  I could order $100 worth of sushi from JPan and my tip would still clock in right around $3.  Thanks for the memories, delivery guy.

Female deliverypersons (?) were also called into question, declaring them rarer than unicorns.  Appropriately enough, "I Love Unicorns" told a tale about how she overtipped just because her food was delivered by a woman.  You chicks always stick together, don't you?  I see how it is.   

From Round-Up: Mermaid Parade Photos (June 20, 2011)

We posted a round-up of photos from everyone's favorite freak show, the Mermaid Parade.  What better way to indulge all of the crazy that you should DEFINITELY keep inside ALWAYS by painting yourself blue and dressing up like something out of The Little Mermaid?  "Life would be better if we all lived under the sea," you find yourself thinking as you're applying starfish-shaped pasties onto your nipples.  YOU'RE RIGHT, IT WOULD BE.

My favorite line from this entry was: "if anyone's dying to know who won the giant condiment mascot race though, it was RELISH. You're welcome." Sounds like quite a party.  "Anthony" let us know that our special brand of condescending humor is getting to him.    Here's a question I find myself pondering when I'm not trying to figure out what exactly the appeal of Angelina Jolie is: what did we do before YouTube?  Think of all of the hilllllllllarious videos you've seen of random crazies on public transportation.  They didn't exist up until like 10 years ago, before you could take a video as easily as you could do something inappropriate on the F train. 

Thank GOD for this new generation of muckrakers out there, getting the scoop.  You know why they call it "Yellow Journalism?"  Because yellow is the color of PISS, and that's what all public transportation smells like.  So this crazy bitch starts going off on a bus driver, he says she has a fat ass, and "Thomas C." drives it all home with a much-needed Speed reference. 

From Who Gives a Shit: Trusting Someone to Watch Your Laptop While You Pee (June 30, 2011)

One time, I was being the epitome of a whiny white girl, which is to say that I was complaining about my job while wearing pearl earrings and drinking Chardonnay.  My friend, who is a 4th grade teacher, let me complain for a solid 20 minutes before quietly telling me that his student's father was murdered.  TALK ABOUT PERSPECTIVE, LOL.  The only problems I have are white people problems.   

Speaking of white people problems, here's a big one: what should I do with my $3,000 laptop while I'm sitting in a douchey coffee shop working on my douchey screenplay?  I dunno.  The first thing that comes to mind is GET A JOB.  "Drankin' the Haterade" pinned this as a "First World Problem," saying that he was going to go vigilante and snatch up unattended computers.  He's a middle-aged white guy, so no one will suspect him, he said.  "Mike," much like me, is automatically suspicious of middle-aged white guys, as we all should be.  On a good day, they're douchey businessmen.  On a bad day, they're John Wayne Gacy.  Watch yourself out there.      

JULY:

From Cool or Not Cool: Taking a Shower on the Subway (July 5, 2011)

Because we’re a bunch of dicks who think terrible poverty is hilllllarious, we posted a video of a woman taking a shower on the subway.  Most of you acknowledged the fact that we’re a bunch of assholes for making fun of a very sad situation, but at least "ImJustBetterThanYou" saw the humor of the situation.

From Open Post: The Casey Anthony Verdict (July 6, 2011)

LOL everyone, Casey Anthony murdered her daughter and got away with it!  Everyone's up-in-arms, but think about the positives.  Now, any time your kids are pissing you off, you can say, "Hey, listen, you little brats, you better behave!  If you don't, I can murder you and get away with it JUST LIKE CASEY ANTHONY!"  The best way to raise very well-behaved future serial killers is to make them terrified of you.  

Also hilarious?  Casey Anthony's trial wardrobe.  "McLovin's Mother" criticized her pink tuxedo shirt, and I can't say I disagree.  Someone should have called Joan Rivers and her daughter Melissa Rosenberg to do trial fashion commentary.  SOMEONE SHOULD PAY ME FOR THESE IDEAS.

From Cool or Not Cool: Calling Me "Sweetie, Cookie, Hun, or Love" (July 8, 2011)

The topic of this particular post was whether or not it's okay for people in the service industry to call you pet names, such as "Honey" or "Sweetie."  The general consensus was that, once again, we're a bunch of jerks.

"Sayitsam" provided my all-time favorite blog comment, which is the one that declares how much they hate the blog.  "I HATE YOUR BLOG WITH THE HEAT OF A MILLION BLAZING SUNS," they say.  "I HATE YOUR BLOG SO MUCH THAT IF I SAW IT BLEEDING IN A GUTTER, I WOULDN'T HELP." 

Really, guy?  You hate our blog so much that you took the time to read it, register to write a comment, write the comment, and then subscribe to the thread to read other people's comments?  You know what I think?  I think that you LOOOOOOVE us.  

From What You Should Order At... Los Pollitos II (July 8, 2011)

Oh look, it's my second-favorite blog comment.  The one where everyone bitches at us for not painting this rainbows-and-sunshine picture of everything in the neighborhood.  Newsflash, nerds: there are a lot of places in Park Slope.  Some are good, some are bad.   If you’re looking for reviews that paint a rosy picture of every business in the area (ie: “Their food is terrible, but they have delicious water!”) then do us all a favor and get the fuck off of this site. From Show Me Yours: Our Photog Will Snap Sweet Pics Of Your Park Slope Pad (July 19, 2011)

We've recently started a recurring column that indulges our love of home design and voyeurism.  Called "Show Me Yours," we literally post pictures of other people's apartments, where it's located, and how much it costs.  "Yourstuff" pointed out that this column is a great way to let the burglars know exactly what you've got in your apartment that's available to burgle.  This person is absolutely right.  Pair this information with your FourSquare check ins, and robbing and pillaging has never been easier.  You're welcome, thieves. 

From Park Slope Massage Therapist Uses Half-Naked Photos to Sell Services (July 26, 2011)

I'm sure there are legitimate massage therapists out there.  Strapping women named Olga, perhaps.  But whenever I hear that someone is a "massage therapist," my mind automatically goes to "PROSTITUTE" which then automatically leads to "LAW & ORDER: SVU" which automatically goes right to my embarassing crush on Detective Benson (circa seasons 1-4).  Never play word association with me, it always goes awkward places.

Anyway, some dumb slut in the neighborhood is advertising her massage "services" by posting photos of herself in her underwear.  Of course, the neighborhood creeps came out in full-force, making Dad jokes about having to "investigate."  COOL, LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR WIFE THINKS ABOUT THIS (hint: she's not happy with you).    

For more obnoxious and offensive commentary, follow Amanda on Twitter @amandawaas