Wipe that grin off your face, cheshire cat—Alice in Wonderland kind of blows

I know that every formerly (currently?) depressed goth teenager and stoner vet is pissing their pants in excitement for this Friday's premiere of Alice in Wonderland, but sorry to be the bearer of bad news—you'll probably be disappointed.

Here's why...

1. While it was visually stunning (as to be expected), the rest of the film falls flat, no small achievement considering the thing is in 3D. 

2. It's kind of obvious now that Tim Burton makes films pretty much so that Johnny Depp can star in them.

3. BREEDERS: don't even think about bringing small children to see this nice little children's story.  Shit is fucking SCARY, and unless you want to stay up all night reading If You Give a Mouse a Cookie to your kid over and over again until they're not terrified to be alone in their bedrooms, don't take them.  

The only redeeming part of the movie (aside from the visuals), is Helena Bonham Carter's performance as the Queen of Hearts.  Other than that, Johnny Depp is mediocre, Anne Hathaway is fucking IRRITATING, and the girl who plays Alice doesn't even deserve the time it would take me to do a Google search to find out her name. 

The Pavilion has a midnight screening tonight.  After you see it, get your asses back here and let us know what YOU thought. 

And now, I'll leave you with my personal favorite interpretation of Lewis Carroll's classic story, Disney's live action, Adventures in Wonderland TV show:

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb as breakdancing black guys in hammer pants?  YES PLEASE.