WHO GIVES A SHIT: Park Slope Sex Survey

I have a question: why is NYC SO god damned slutty?

Since I've moved to Brooklyn from the Boondocks of Mars, Pennsylvania I have been baffled by the massive amounts of strange ass this city seems to partake in on a nightly basis.

I feel like NYC is the geographical equivalent of some 12-year-old boy who discovers jerking off for the first time. The difference being, 'grown' New Yorker's aren't confined to hiding under their sheets or in the bathroom. As a matter of fact, it seems most NYC dudes have been with Jen, Brenda, Laura, Aubrey, Felicia, Bridget, Gertrude, Becky, Sabrina, Amber (insert some weird Brooklyn name) etc. They've been with so many chicks that they often can't remember names, or even the number of women they've been with.

And, ok: guys--don't think I'm just picking on you. You're obviously not sleeping with yourselves. The leftover Carrie Bradshaw wannabes of the world are just as slutastic as you are.

Sure I get it. People in the city lead very different lifestyles than those in the sticks...the difference in population size alone obviously plays a large factor.

NYC Population: 8,391,881  (2,567,098 in Brooklyn alone).

Mars PA Population: 1,746  ( I can’t even think of 10 people in my home town I would want to bang).

Other things to take into consideration when comparing a big city and the country:

• General number of people you’re in contact with on a daily basis.

• Age that people generally get married.

• Accessibility to creating new relationships and meeting new people.

• Attractiveness...ok I’m shallow whatev...peopleofwalmart.com...

I understand that people are different and have varying sexual desires, whether you are from bumfucknowhere, Arkansas or Chicago, but I just can't help my curiosity when it comes to this trend and drastic change in sexual tendencies between those who live out in the country and big cities.

Since this topic has been rolling around my brain for quite some time now, I took matters into my own hands and did some investigative research here in Park Slope this weekend.  I started out on the interwebs, asking friends and acquaintances from all over the country (and a few international) some extremely personal and hefty questions. I then took to the streets and hit up a local Park Slope bar to ask random strangers these same questions.

1.)How many people have you slept with?

2.)How many people would you prefer your partner to have slept with? What is an acceptable number?

Holy shit did I open up a can of worms. Here are the results from my scientific study drunken weekend.

Non-NYC Interviews

(FYI, I let participants choose their own names for the post...perhaps a few are pet/sex names?)

Steph – 21 years old – Manatee, FL

1.) 0

2.) 0..ok I know that’s unrealistic, I guess 2-3 is a non-slutty amount.

Brian – 23 years old – Central NY

1.)  3

2.) Honestly I’d rather not know..I mean if it’s a MILF I meet at a bar then I obvi know what I’m getting myself into. If it’s a girl my age the less the better right?

Jantje Lulhannes (he said the Dutch would find this funny?)– 28 years old – Haarlem, Netherlands

1.) 10-15

2.) If the girl I’m with is in her 30s..then anything under 30 is good. I do think it’s important for people to have a lot of sex and to learn about being sexual and sensuality.

Naked Asian – 22 years old – Clarion, PA

1.) High 40s (I went to college with this kid and I’m almost positive he couldn't get 40 girls)

2.) Well every guy is going to say he hopes the girl they’re with has been with fewer people than they have.

JM – 45 – Baltimore, MD

1.) 5

2.) Doesn’t really matter to me. As long as she’s clean when I meet her and is only sleeping with me. I guess I would say from 18 +2 a year is acceptable.

Paul – 34 – Erie, PA

1.) 19-23

2.) It doesn’t matter. I don’t judge people on that sort of thing because I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life too. <- (So even though you don’t judge, you’re saying that sleeping with a lot of people is a mistake?)

Meat Wallet – 24 – Adelaide, Australia

1.) 25 (mostly American)

2.) Shit if I really liked him I wouldn’t want to know if his # was over 10.

Picasso – 19 – Cordoba, Argentina

1.)  4

2.) The acceptable # depends on if we are just fuck buddies or if we’re in a relationship. If we’re in a committed relationship then around the same # as me.

Me – well if you’ve only been with 4 people I guess you haven’t had that many fuck buddies?

Picasso – hmm  I haven’t had one in a while but would like one..know of anyone?  ; )”

(gives me his phone #)

Me – dear lord..

Focker – 23 – Willow Grove, PA (alright I realize even though I attempted to get a bevy of opinions most of the participants are my age and from PA..whatever..fuck you.)

1.) 3

2.) Depends on if the person is your fuck buddy/girlfriend/pretend doctor, but I generally prefer the clean slate approach that way you don’t dwell on knowing exactly how many other people’s body parts have been in the person your with. Sorry I gotta go play with my bearded dragon now...(huh?)

Ian – 20 - Dunkirk, New York

1.) 4

2.) No more than me

Drunken Interviews at Mission Dolores in Park Slope

Julius Maximus – 46 – somewhere in Manhattan

1.) I think like 40 or so, I know gross.

2.) When I was a kid it was a huge deal, nowadays it’s like everybody’s slutting it up. My fiancée has had 10 guys, but numbers are not an issue with me.

Rosco P. Jenkins – 25 – Park Slope

1.) Something like 30+, I used to count but once I got past my fingers I didn’t really care to know.

2.) I could care less, as long as they are disease free and it’s not a hotdog in a hallway kind of situation. Practice makes perfect right?

Chris – 25 – Prospect Heights

1.)  10 give or take a few

2.)  I don’t think it matters that much. It’s not a question I usually ask. Maybe 15 over the course of a lifetime? If I fell in love with a girl and if she was with a lot of dudes I wouldn’t be thrilled with it but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Paco  - 33 – Park Slope

1.) I have no idea, too many to remember. 40 at the lowest and 75 at the highest.

2.) I hope they never tell me. I would never ask that question I just hope I’m not their first.

Side note -  I talked to this dude for an hour – the two points I made a note of - “I really like when a chick decks me in the face right when I’m about to cum. You should try punching guys in the face.” And “If you want to fuck a Puerto Rican, then fucking fuck a Puerto Rican!”

Hooker (male) – 23 – just moved from Oregon to Park Slope

1.) 0 (that’s right ladies, the only 23 year old virgin left in Park Slope! )

2.)  I don’t know if there is a certain # that is acceptable, I think for anyone the fewer the better.

Avery – 26 – Park Slope (was with the virgin dude)

1.) 3

2.) Not that picky. The number honestly isn’t a big deal.

Me : So if your chick has slept with 150 guys, that’d be cool with you?

Avery : Ok..I was thinking more of like..2-5 partners.

Roxy Carmichael – 36 – Park Slope

1.)    42.5

Me: umm point five..? Did you sleep with a midget?

Roxy: Well he wasn’t in all the way.

Me: . . .

2.) It doesn’t really matter as long as everything looks good under the hood.

Max Diamond – 22 – Parkslope

1.) Ballpark 20

2.) The number doesn’t matter. I mean if it’s hundreds that’s kind of obscene, but as long as she’s clean and honest I’m ok with it.

Pissed off Boy who looked like Steve from Blue’s Clues and his GF

I accidentally asked these questions to a guy in front of his girlfriend. I’ve never met someone who instantly had such a deep hatred for me. Steve’s face got beat red and I could tell every fiber of his being wanted to lash out and punch me in the face. He yelled at me profusely and it looked like his eyeballs were going to explode out of their sockets. I apologized. The girlfriend looked terrified and I wanted to say “holy shit this boy has a lot of anger issues and obviously has a lot to hide, GTFO while you still can girl!”

Luke Vivian – 26 – somewhere in NYC

1.) Exact number is 84

2.) Under a 100, it’s just sex. Look I may be a slut from the city, but at least I didn’t fuck 2 chickens like my cousin from the country did, I mean yea they were some sexy chickens, they had beautiful cloacas but still…

Me: what’s a cloaca?

Luke: “Google it” 

Jen – 36 – Parkslope

1.) Around 25 or 31 right now. I’ve been engaged twice.

2.)  I don’t even know what’s acceptable anymore. I don’t like who I am or how I look. I take medicine to feel alright. Some nights it is empowering and makes me feel good knowing I can take home any guy I want. If you want to take someone home in NYC you can, it’s that easy.

So what did I take away from this drunken night of deep thought and sexual contemplation? Nothing really, other than an awful hangover and a sad disposition.  I suppose people are capable of being monogamous or slutty regardless of their geographical location.

What surprised me the most:

• There were so many people that had "ball park" answers for the number of people they've slept with. How could you not know this? We aren't talking about something as insignificant as the number of times you've eaten at Burger King. We're talking number of people you've gotten naked with and boned.  If you don't know this #, you're either a fucking mornon, or fucking gross: take yo pick scumbags.

• I am shocked that so many people prefer to not know how many people their partners have been with. I think that is fucking absurd. For instance, when I buy a used car, I like to know how many miles are on it so it doesn't kill me the second I drive it out of the lot. Oh, and lets not forget about HERPES.

Call me old fashioned, but if my nether regions are going to come in contact with another's, I prefer to have a deeper connection with that person other than just penetration. But hey - that's just me.

So what's a girl to do?

I'm afraid of freakishly religious people that fantasize about fucking jesus and feel the need to wait to bang until marriage and then realize on their honeymoon that they aren't sexually compatible with their wife/husband, but I also don't want a man whore that sleeps with anything that has a vagina (or cloaca for that matter). I guess I can be Asexual, but that really blows..or I can just jump onto the slut wagon like everyone else.

At the end of the day, the person I have to sleep with every night is myself, and I really don't think I could do that if I turned into a huge slutasaurus.  The world is my oyster, and it looks like everyone is down to shuck.