Who Gives A Shit: Do You Eavesdrop On Your Annoying Neighbors?

Last week, I spent a good 45 minutes listening to my neighbor's phone conversation. No, I wasn't tapping into her phone line or placing my ear up to her door. I was sitting on my couch reading a book, minding my own business. I had the window open to air out the place when Chatty Cathy decided to pace outside our buildings while catching up with her friend. She was talking as if she were in a wind tunnel: "So I  said, no, we're not going to your mother's house next weekend. It's Memorial Day and we're not sitting in all that traffic to go to New Jersey. Do you believe him?" And next thing I knew, I had placed my book down and listened to her entire conversation, as if I was tuned into some 1920s radio program.

It's not the first time this has happened. I know way too much about this lady and her family without ever having actually spoken to any of them in my life. The weekend before last, I heard all about the plan for daughter Suzy's fourth birthday party. I was cleaning my kitchen and they were in their backyard. I couldn't escape it. Every goddamn party detail - from the guest list to decorations to the food - was described in excruciating detail. Worst of all - Chatty Cathy felt the need to run everything by Suzy first in her most obnoxious baby voice. "What do you think, Suze - would you like Doritos AND Potato Chips?" KILL ME. 

It's not like I'm on the first floor either. My apartment is on the top floor of a three-story brownstone. These people are yapping so loud, I can hear them from all the way up here. Luckily, all is quiet when they're actually in the house (thank jebus for thick walls). But they just moved in a few months ago, so they're taking advantage of the new space and spending a ton of time outside. This is going to be my entire summer. Hearing about "precious Suzy" and all the rest of these fucks. 

You probably think I'm exaggerating but you don't know how bad it is. I saw Chatty Cathy's husband, Captin Loud-Talker, the other day while I was taking out the trash and couldn't even look him in the eye. It's because he was talking to his brother in the backyard three weeks ago while I was doing my dishes. I heard all about how he's been having problems with Chatty Cathy and they're in counseling and they're thinking of exploring an open relationship. And all I could think about when I saw him was, You're probably already posting pictures of your dick on Craigslist. I SHOULD NOT BE THINKING ABOUT THIS ABOUT MY NEIGHBORS. Since when do I live on Wisteria Lane?   

So here's a lesson to all of you out there: When you're outside, keep your voices down. Because there's probably someone like me, listening to your every word, and ready to bitch about it on the internet.   

Anyone else want to share a good eavesdropping story? I can't be alone here.