WHAT'S ON TVVVVVVV!?

As some of you may know, I watch more TV than ANY human being ever should. It's kind of a problem...except that I love it and can't won't stop.

Every so often, all of my TV thoughts, theories and opinions build up in my head to the point that my brain is about to explode. That's when I'm thankful that I have a blog to unleash it all on. Today is the day of that unleashing. 

BREAKING BAD
AMC
Season 5 to begin Summer 2012 

Let me start by saying, I'm currently in an official period of mourning. This period of mourning was brought on by the fact that I am now finished watching all 4 seasons of Breaking Bad--HANDS DOWN, this was the best TV show I think I've ever seen in my life. I feel like I need to re-study some SAT vocabulary words in order to better express how knock down, drag out, fan-fucking-tastic this show is. I was literally on the edge of my seat during pretty much every single episode. The acting is mind-blowing, the cinematography is stunning, and the story and characters are all so goddamned compelling, I want to buy each of the writers a car...or a hooker...or some fantastic thing that could kinda, maybe even a little bit bring them a teenth of the deep down dirty pleasure that they brought to me with every single ep. 

I want to give Jesse a hug and tell him that he's not worthless after all. I want to punch Walter in the dick...and then chest bump with him. I want to be Saul's temp assistant and then tell off Skyler when she calls with some retardo request. I want to tell Hank that he's the most brilliant fucking DEA agent in the history of DEA agents. Lately I've taken to downloading Breaking Bad podcasts...lurking in Breaking Bad forums. I CANNOT STOP.

Since finishing the series, I've literally been trying to fill the gaping hole that's been left in my TV life and I just can't get past it. It's like I know deep down inside that there will never, ever, ever be a show as amazing as BB and I've now just resolved myself to a lifetime of mediocre TV.

I took to Twitter and Facebook to try to remedy the situation, and everyone was like "WATCH HOMELAND! IT'S AMAZING! BEST SHOW ON TV" blah, blah, blah. Well, I just finished the season, and for the record: I'm not sure I'm buyin' it.

HOMELAND
Showtime 
Season 2 to begin airing in late 2012 

Ok, so Homeland was a great show, for sure...and if I hadn't just watched Breaking Bad, I might say that it's really, really, great. But I didn't think it was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. Mostly because the story was semi-predictable AND because Claire Danes is so flesh scratchingly annoying, I find myself veering off from the action of the show in my head in order to fantasize about different ways to murder her. I'm not sure that there has ever been a more annoying character in the history of paid TV. She's more annoying than Meredith from Gray's Anatomy, and that's next to near impossible.

I think the premise is killer, and I'll definitely watch Season 2, but I totally called the Brody "I'm not really a terrorist, see!" fakeout. But more than that, I just so do not buy Brody's Al Queda alliance. I mean yeah: the US govt lies, bombs schools, yadda yadda yadda, but is this really a surprise? And also, just because the USA is a gigantic asshole, does that mean you'd be willing to COMPLETELY ABANDON every single belief and thought regarding your country that you had previously held true to your entire life?! To team up with the blood thirstiest terrorist on the planet?! Because you witnessed someone ELSE'S kid being killed? (I mean, maybe I could buy it more if his own kid was killed).

Anyway, Mandy Patinkin is amazing as Saul, and again, I *do* find the premise intriguing, but based on the shitshow that 24 eventually became, I'm not sure I'm totally confident these same producers can pull it off again in season 2. We'll see. 

DOWNTON ABBEY
PBS
Season 2 to begin on January 8th (though you can illegally download it if you are desperate like I was--it's already been shot and aired in the UK)

Gay sex, blackmail, stalking and out of wedlock pregnancy...no I'm not talking about an ep of 90210. I'm talking about Downton Abbey (which, sidenote: for the longest time I thought it was "downtown" abbey). 

I was def sucked into this period piece from BBC about a wealthy English family and their staff. It kicks off in 1912 and takes us through the first world war via the exploits of the Crawley family: Lord Grantham and his kicky, American wife, their 3 daughters, and various other family members who come in and out (including Granny, who is by far my fave and played by the wonderful Maggie Smith). The action is equally divided amongst the lives of the Crawley family and the lives of the large staff that helps them run their beautiful, gigantic old house. Basically this is General Hospital in period costumes. But it's lots of fun to watch, and features some fantastic acting and interesting story lines. 

I mean, the Thomas/O'Brien thing is getting a bit old (I wanted to reach into the TV and beat the shit out of him when he went to go hide Isis) and the Mr. Bates thing is getting beyond ridiculous (how could one human being have THAT much bad luck!?). But I still had a blast watching. 

*NOTE: there was also a 90 minute Downtown Abbey Christmas special that just aired. Not sure if it is coming to the US, but again, if you are resourceful, you can find that shit online. 

THE WALKING DEAD
AMC
2nd half of Season 2 starts on Feb 12th

The Walking Dead was another one that I kept hearing people rave and rave about, so I gave it a try and watched the first season (which is only 6 episodes). In fairness, I don't give a shit about zombies, so perhaps I was going in with a bit of a handicap. However, after sitting through the whole season, I'm still feeling kind of meh. Here's why:

*I could care LESS about every single one of the characters. The Asian guy is kind of cute, but only kinda. If season 2 ended with them all being set on fire in a crazy zombie pyre, I pretty much wouldn't care.

*WHY HAS NO ONE EXPLAINED WHY THE FUCK THE ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE HAPPENED!? OR HOW IT WILL BE SOLVED!? NO ONE IS EVEN ASKING!? This one annoys the living shit out of me. You're telling me that some dude wakes up from being in a coma to find that the zombies have completely taken over the world, and he doesn't take two seconds to try to figure out why!? He spent days in that fucking house with that nice black dude and his son. They taught him about how to kill zombies, and what the zombies do, and how they're attracted to sound and the whole nine yards. But never once were they like: "hey. so, uhm...FYIzers, this whole zombie apocolypse started because a meteor hit the earth and threw off the balance of the universe, and now we're trying to cool the icebergs in antarctica enough to get everything back in tip top shape." I mean, I don't fucking know...SOMETHING! Otherwise, I don't just get why all these people don't just commit suicide and get it over with.

So yeah: I'll catch up and watch season 2, I guess, but I'm not really excited about it.  

PORTLANDIA
IFC
Season 2 starts on Jan 6th

Holy fucking shit, this show is hilarious. 

Created, written by and starring Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, Portlandia presents a ridiculously funny portrait of the people, places and things in Portland, Oregon. It's hard to believe, but this place seems even more annoying than Park Slope. All of the shorts from show to show are not always connected from week to week, but they all sort of work together to help you understand what life's like out there. Or at least what fake, hilarious life is like there. 

I pretty much can't stop laughing from the moment this thing starts till the moment it ends. 

THE BACHELOR
ABC
Season 16 starts on Jan 2nd

I'm always confused by commenters on FIPS who come back day in and day out when they HATE THE SHIT out of my motherfucking blog. I think to myself "this is like if I hated a TV show, and then I just decided to sit there and watch it every week. How crazy is that!?" Well, I just had an aha moment ppl...get Oprah on the goddamned phone. Cause that is pretty much what I do with the Bachleor and the Bachelorette. I hate the show. I haaaaaated the last Bachelorette Ashley, and her stupid little fucked up neuroses that were so hard to keep track of, I felt like I needed to hire an Indian personal assistant just to manage the documentation of them all. And if I ever hear the motherfucking word Bentley ever fucking again, I'm gonna cut a bitch soooo hard. 

She was needy, and whiny, and so fucking clueless about what she wants or deserves in life, she made me wanna pop a Wellbutrin every time she opened her mouth. If I had a daughter I would take that entire last season, burn it onto a DVD, and when she was old enough, make her watch it from start to finish with the following message: BE THE OPPOSITE OF HER. 

Every. Single. Time time I finish a season I say to myself: "I hope I have the strength to never watch this shit again." And yet here I am, looking over new cast members-n-shit as I get ready to watch Ashley's castoff Ben as he begins his Bachelor journey to find true love. 

I just threw up in my mouth. 

MOB WIVES
VH-1
Season 2 started Jan 1

Anytime you have a reality show where the women get into actual, real-life fist fights on almost a weekly basis, chances are pretty strong that I'm going to enjoy said show. Mob Wives takes place on Staten Island and follows the lives of women who claim that they want to leave their mob pasts behind (most were either married to mobsters, or the daughters of mobsters), and yet every opportunity they get, they act like Tony Soprano after he snorted some cocaine and got drunk at Bada Bing (i.e. very fucking stupid). 

Still, I like to watch women punch other women. Sue me. 

UPDATE: I watched last night and shit did not dissapoint. But almost better than the show itself, is following all these chicks on Twitter as the ep airs and watching the "conversation" unfold as they scream and curse at each other in all caps. Here's a small sampling: 

I mean, wtf does ,,,,,,!,,,,,, even mean!? I will be up nights thinking about this. 

And I swear to you: this is just a tiny sampling of what goes on. I realized last night that Twitter action is *almost* better than the actual show. Though I did fear for my life during a couple of choice retweets when I was making fun of these chicks. If I ever send out a #mobwivessos tweet, you'll know I'm tied up naked in my apartment with duct tape over my mouth, and then you can send some help. Ok?

THE LYING GAME
ABC FAMILY
2nd part of Season 1 starts Jan 2

ABC Family has fast become one of my favorite channels. Why? Because I have the taste of 14-year old girl. But, no...really! The shows on this channel are actually all kind of killer, and also don't let the word "family" throw you off. These kids are drinking, having sex, and getting arrested--it's kind of a free for all. It's also one of the best looking channels on TV...like EVERYONE on every single show is super hot. ABC Family is like what the CW would be if they actually had any money. Anyway, Lying Game is their new show about a set of Identical twins who trade lives. It's kind of the same premise as Ringer (see below), except it's done way the hell better. I was completely hooked on the first half of the season and have been DYING for this show to come back. So if you like sexy teenagers, a bizarro adoption story mystery, bad boys, mean girls and video chatting, this show is totes for you.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
ABC FAMILY
2nd part of Season 1 starts Jan 2

This show rules my face so very HARD. Again, it's another ABC Family title, and this one is about the mystery surrounding the death of the most popular girl in high school. No one knows why, or how this bitch got killed, except for this mysterious character named "A" that basically just exists to harass the friends of the dead girl in all sorts of freaky ass ways and then text them about it. I swear to you, there are more twists and turns in this show than there were in Lost. I can honestly barely keep track of what's going on, and yet I can't get enough. Their seasons seem to be split up into two parts, and the second half starts TONIGHT right before The Lying Game. In the meantime, if you've never seen it, catch your ass up and take notes so that you can help me figure out wtf is going on...I need a tutor. 

RINGER
CW
2nd part of Season 1 starts Jan 31

This show is supposed to be Sarah Michelle Gellar's big comeback, and that my friends makes me very, very sad. Why? Cause RINGER seriously sucks a big, gigantic, hairy dick. Anyway, this thing is also about two identical twin sisters (sidenote, if you are an actress who plays TWO characters on the same show, do you get paid double? Cause that would kinda rule), one of which was the witness to a murder. The other one is just rich and bitchy and hates her husband. Through some ridiculous series of events, poor murder witnessing sister takes over rich, bitchy sister's life and intrigue is supposed to ensue. It does not. This show appears to be written by an 11-year-old as the plot points are so ridiculously stupid, you just end up sitting there screaming at the TV the whole time. Also, I never realized this as I was 11 (ish) when Buffy was airing, but SMG happens to be a pretty shitty actress...made all the more apparent now that she's playing TWO fucking characters. I've already put in my time, so I'll continue watching this shit, but if this show doesn't get canceled after season 1, there genuinely is no justice in this world. Sidenote: this show is also the winner of the single worst green screen scene I've ever seen on network television: 

REVENGE
ABC
2nd part of Season 1 starts Jan 31

Oh my GAWD is this show good! Nine Daves gave this show the "juiciest guilty pleasure award" for 2011, and I could not agree more. Amanda Clarke (played by Emily VanCamp) seeks revenge on her enemies 1 by 1 as she attempts to right the wrongs her family endured when her father was accused of a crime he didn't commit. Let's just say you do NOT want to cross this bitch, cause she's pretty much a mastermind at figuring out how to fuck your life up beyond all recognition. Needless to say, that makes it pretty damn fun to watch. I love this show like a fat kid loves cake. 

JERSEY SHORE
MTV
Who cares when it starts 

Totally over it.

I've been wondering how long this would take, and apparently the answer is: 4 seasons. It is now season 5.

Also, Sammi and Ronnie have pretty much ruined reality TV for me. 

What else? 

• It's a Brad Brad World: CANNOT. WAIT. 
• Project Accesory: Beyond horrible. No words. Throw in the towel, Molly Simms. Shit ain't happenin' for you.
• Top Chef Texas: Bored out of my mind. 
• Dexter Season 6: got halfway through first ep and I was falling asleep. Pretty sure my love affair with Dex is dead and buried, no pun intended. 
• Vampire Diaries: AH-MAZE-BALLS. Love this show so hard. Though wasn't really crazy about Stephen being on the dark side this season. Comes back on Thurs, Jan 5.
• Real Housewives of New Jersey: Last season was epic. Thank you Jesus for Melissa Gorga. 
• Real Housewives of Atlanta: this shit has fizzled out big time. You need to put us out of our misery on this one, Bravo.
• Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Please get Taylor into a mental institution. Please get Kim into rehab. Please tell Dana to STFU. Season was a lot less interesting than I expected it to be when one of the cast mates husbands committed suicide. 
• Watch What Happens Live: 5 fucking nights a week!? Gawd, get the hell OVER yourself, Andy Cohen. 
• American Horror Story: LOVED! Until the final ep...still not sure how I feel about that. And I'm very worried that in classic Ryan Murphy style, it's all gonna get fucked up next year. 
• Game of Thrones: A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Cannot wait for Season 2.
• Gossip Girl: It's actually *kinda* good this year! Which has been beyond shocking. I'm also bizarrely intrigued by nice Chuck. Though Nate is getting waaay the hell too much screen-time. But at least Little J is still dead! gone!
• Glee: almost unwatchable these days.

Told you I have a problem.