WHASSUP: WELCOME NEWBIE EDITION

Whassup, FIPSters?  I find it a propos that, on this first day of spring, I greet you as the new writer of WHASSUP.  I couldn’t be happier to take the reigns. You likely have no clue, but I’ve been writing for FIPS for a couple years now and am so happy to take over this established, well-respected column. Do I smell a Pulitzer?

I’ll be hitting you up each week with suggestions for cool, unusual, self-fulfilling, community driven, and sometimes downright shameful goings on…s.  My curated collection shall by no means be the be-all-end-all—there’s way too much shit to weed through for that. It will instead offer cool happenings that I discover through tireless research, colleague suggestions, and referrals from you fine people.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but please don’t hesitate to share your reactions to my weekly lineups. If I’m giving you way to much ponies and ribbons, but you’re more into ball gags and pie eating contests—you better fucking tell me. If you go to an event that I suggested and it fully sucks balls—I want to know.  If you’re pleasantly surprised and want more of the same — send me a smile; it’ll last for a while.

Without further ado, here’s Whassup:

* Thursday, March 20, Salvage Secrets Design & Decor Talk+Tour, Build It Green!NYC : I admit it—I’ve been bitten by the DIY bug.  HGTV is the guilty pleasure that gets my blood boiling and inspires me to do stupid shit around the house that I am decidedly not qualified to do. I once c-clamped a piece of wood to my coffee table and chewed through it with a Sawsall to give my wife more counter space in our 3ftX3ft kitchen. Instead, go get some expert advice on taking your old shit, fixing it up, calling it “reclaimed,” and selling it for a fucking fortune.  They’ll even throw in a glass of wine!  5:30pm, $34.95    

* Thursday, March 20, DJ ?uestlove Presents: Bowl Train, Brooklyn Bowl (Williamsburg):  YEP! I had to toss this in the mix. It’s bowling meets Soul Train. Need I say more? Sure, you have to take the uncomely G.  Yes, Brooklyn Bowl is always packed beyond capacity. Fine, you’d rather order in from Zito’s. Listen, it’s ?uestlove spinning to vintage clips from Soul Train. Get with it, jive turkeys.  Doors: 10:30pm, Show: 11pm, $7 on YPlan

* Friday, March 21, Karaoke Killed the Cat, Union Hall:  You may already know about this shitshow of canned band proportions, but it’s worth a mention. Chris Goldteeth and Lord Easy mix it up real smooth-like with music that’ll make you want to shake dat ass. My favorite drunk karaoke song, you ask?  “Night of the Rising Sun,” of course!  My grand finale is generally burping just a tiny bit of vomit. 11:59pm, FREE 

* Saturday, March 22, Revolutionary Snake Ensemble, Barbés: I’m going to throw some random shit at you and see if it sticks.  These cats dress up in costumes and partake in improvisational jazz.  Yes, this shit is way out there.  Experience it all, folks.  You don’t know you hate it until you choke down a piece. That’s what she said? 8pm, $10 suggested donation     

* Sunday, March 23, Our Princess is in Another Castle: NBA JAM Madness, Union Hall:  Mega dunks, giant heads, and being “on fire”—sounds like a bad episode of LOST unless you were a child of the 90’s.  This promises to be a slice of brain-rotting nostalgia for any SNES enthusiast. Study up on all those cheat codes for a chance to win big in this bracketed tourny. Here’s one to get you started:  “Juice Mode”- at the match-up screen press A 13 times, then press and hold B+X until tip-off.  Boom shakalaka! 7pm, FREE

* Monday, March 24, Ask Me Another, The Bell House:  There isn’t a ton of cool shit to do on Mondays, but this seems like a viable option. When I road trip I listen to the greatest hits of the 80’s and 90’s, Howard Stern, and NPR—in that order. It’s a tried and true progression that always gets me from point a to point b.  Comedienne, Ophira Eisenberg, hosts this live NPR taping, which aims to be an hour of trivia, laughs, and hopefully more than a couple pints. Yeah, the road trip thing was an anecdote to get me to NPR. Deal with it!  Doors: 6:30pm, Show: 7:30pm, $15

* Tuesday, March 25, The Rise of Chocolate, Littlefield:  Get ready to channel your inner fat kid because you’re about to be schooled in chocolate. Seriously, The Masters of Social Gastronomy will walk you through the history of this decadent, cellulite-inducing treat. Pretty sure this stuff gave me man-boobs until I was 22. Find out why a wise man once said, “life is like…” fuck it, you know the rest. 8pm, free

* Wednesday, March 26, Shouting at the Screen, The Bell House: I assume you’ve had the unique pleasure of a night at the cinema in NYC. That is to say you dragged your ass off the couch to see Katniss deliver some angst-driven whoop-ass in 3D. Did you notice that some audience members saw fit to take an active role in the movie-going experience, meaning they talked to the movie?  Generally not encouraged, Shouting at the Screen, allows you the poetic license that is considered taboo at The Pavilion. Doors 7:30/Show 8:30 $10