Whassup: Brand Fucking New Year Edition

via scrawnywod.com

The most important question this time of year is not "What are your resolutions?" (because those are bullshit), but "How long is it appropriate to keep saying 'Happy New Year'?" I don't have an answer for you. I do know that the time to make jokes about the Mayan apocalypse is definitely over. (But making META-jokes about apocalypse jokes? Never gets old!) Anyway, whatever, happy new year. Enjoy the briefly long lines at the elliptical machine! Welcome to Whassup: Brand Fucking New Year Edition: 

* Wednesday, Jan. 2-Saturday, Jan. 12: Nightmares, Brick Theater (Williamsburg): Get yourself some creative, hilarious and potentially terrifying independent theater at "Nightmares," which takes inspiration from the tales of Lord Byron and Mary Shelley, along with the painting by Henry Fusel with the same title. It's ok, you can go see Les Mis the next day to feel more normal. 8pm or 3pm, $18. 

* Friday, Jan. 4: 50 First Jokes, Bell House: Sometimes, I like shows with the simplest concepts best. This is one of them: it's 50 comedians, each telling his or her first joke of the new year. Some favorites among the 50 include Brooke Van Poppelen, John F. O'Donnell (host), and Matt Koff. Personally, I'd kind of like to see everyone do a knock-knock joke. (Probably won't happen.) 8pm, $10.

* Saturday, Jan. 5: Breakfast Taco Kick-Off, 359 Bedford Ave: The meat-genius behind Delaney BBQ and BrisketLab wants to inject hot beef into you in the A.M., too. Thus, we have Breakfast Tacos, serving up the amazingness of brisket tacos, made morning-appropriate with eggs, and pulled-pork bacon tacos. Jesus H. Christmas, I must say that some things are probably worth the eventual heart attack they will cause. 8am-3pm.

* Saturday, Jan. 5: G-Train Petitions, 2nd Stop Cafe (Williamsburg): Here in Park Slope, we're (thank God -- or G-d, for you native Brooklynites) not so beholden to the G train as are those Billyburg suckers. However, sometimes we do want to go to the 'burg for a show and/or to ironically drink shit beer with a cute trust funder. So, improvements to the most exasperating of NYC subway lines would be welcome. Join the cause by helping gather signatures for more frequent trains and other improvements. Because, admit it, gentrifiers, you think city money should go to the hip, pricey neighborhoods instead of, say, the Rockaways. Anyway, hey, you'll get a free lunch out of it! 12pm, FREE.

* Saturday, Jan. 5: Michaela Ann and Alex Battles, Jalopy: Two of my favorite local roots performers hit the best stage for that sort of thing in the area: Jalopy. You may know Alex Battle's joyful country baritone from the Johnny Cash Birthday bash and CasHank Hootenanny Jamboree. And Michaela Ann will alternately charm your Rustler jeans right off, chaps and all, and make you weepy: "That Winter," off her album "To Know Where," is seriously perhaps the saddest, most terrifying thing I've ever heard. I mean that in a good way. Oh, and they're playing in support of Stephanie Jenkins, whom I don't know, but the opening acts speak well of her. 8pm, $10.

* Sunday, Jan. 6: New Sunday Comedy Show, Union Hall: With Eugene Mirman's ascendance into the rarefied space of Bob's Burgers voice acting and Comedy Central specials, his long-time Slope comedy institution "Pretty Good Friends" (nee, "Tearing the Veil of Maya") is no more. Fear not, however, as the show's talent booker, Caroline Creaghead, will keep the Sunday standup going with "Creaghead & Company." Dave Hill, and his musical, understated weirdness, head up the first show's billing. By the way, in the photo for the event, Caroline is wearing a big, fake mustache. So, I already like her. 8pm, $7.

* Tuesday, Jan. 8: PunderDOME, Littlefield: If you've read this post before, you know I love this show. So much unabashed, dorky, pun-loving fun. Come see one of the weird ways in which people can become local celebrities in Park Slope -- in this case, by writing puns to make the audience shout, and winning joke prizes. 8pm, $6-7.