Whassup: All the Ho's Edition

via lolglobe.com

I don't know if you've heard, but Sunday is a big holiday -- one perhaps rivaling Black Friday in importance. Yep, Christmas is upon us; the time of year when New York cloaks itself in the imagery of classic movies and apartment after apartment of lonely single people cry into their overly-spiked eggnog. Your friendly Whassup writer finds himself in the heartland awaiting snow, but for those of you still in the Slope, prepare to jingle your bells: It's Whassup: All the Ho's Edition:

* Through Christmas: Dyker Lights, Dyker Heights: If you've got some sturdy retinas, a tolerant Holiday-cheer-gag-reflex, and preferably access to a car, trek out to the further reaches of Brooklyn for Dyker Heights' extravaganza of Christmas lights. It's all the glowing Christianity you'll need until Christ appears before you on your death bed in all His glory. And, if that doesn't happen, well, you will have peaked in Dyker Heights. Best viewing, 7-9pm.

* Friday, Dec. 23: Hanukah-X-Mas Beerdown, Southpaw: If only all religio-cultural conflicts could be settled this way: via beer. The chosen brews from Shmaltz Brewing and He'brew Beer take on the gentile suds from Smuttynose. The conflict will be boozily fueled by drink specials, musical performances, prizes -- and the featured beers. 8pm, $8.

* Saturday, Dec. 24: "Coincidental" Klezmer, Barbes: Christmas Eve, when jolly elves take to the skies, and atheists and Jews take to the Chinese restaurants. It's also, "by chance," an annual Klezmer party with Barbes' "Purely Coincidental Night of Klezmer." Come acknowledge that Jesus was probably a pretty nice guy, but Christ, what's with all this fuss? Sets at 7 and 9pm, $10 SUGGESTED.

* Monday, Dec. 26: Sex Stories, Union Hall: The day after acknowledging, if not celebrating, history's most famous unplanned pregnancy, come hear some tales of un-miraculous non-virginity at Bare. The monthly sex-share brings comedians, story tellers, and sex educators to the stage for recountings of all the naughty bits. This month, you'll hear from Andy Christie of the Liar Show and Mollena Williams, the sex educator behind The Perverted Negress blog. Plus, one lucky listener heads home with something spicy from Babeland. 8pm, $8.

* Thursday, Dec. 29: '99 New Year's Eve Eve, Bell House: Remember New Year's Eve, 1999? Back when we had to dream up shit like Y2K to be scared about, before we got attacked, went to war (a few times), and crashed the economy (a few times)? Good times, yes? Relive those days with Party Like it's 1999's New Year's Eve Eve party. DJ's will be spinning '90's rock, hip hop, R&B and etc. Pick out a Blossom outfit. It couldn't hurt. 9pm, FREE.