There's Carnage in Park Slope

Do you hope and dream for a movie that will unite Park Slope Breeders and Ballers together in a fit of mutual hatred towards parents and kids? Because it's TOTALLY HAPPENING, people.

Roman Polansky’s new film Carnage tells the story of the Longstreets and the Cowans, two couples who gather in a Park Slope brownstone as they search for a resolution to their kiddos' recent fistfight at the Brooklyn Bridge Park. The encounter quickly falls apart as characters struggle to ascertain who is to blame for an assault that left one child with a loose tooth and a busted lip. So, basically it's 3 full hours of middle aged yuppies talking about the fruit of their looms in a fancy apartment.

Sounds...totally unwatchable.

As far as we can tell from the above trailer, Carnage is a completely inaccurate portrayal of Park Slope parenting for the following reasons:

1. The pile of wood by the non-working fireplace would be way bigger in real life.
2. No one is wearing crocs.
3. There are zero lesbians.
4. Kate Winslet is too pretty to be living in Park Slope.
5. Replace the jar of tulips with some $20 “wild flowers.”
6. Park Slope kids are too tree-hugging to be violent.
7. Who the hell goes all the way to The Brooklyn Bridge Park with their kids when Prospect Park is up the hill?

Then again, how can a movie starring Jodi Foster, Christoph Waltz, John C. Reilly and Kate Winslet be bad?

Sigh, my emotions.