The BQE Is Going To Suck Forever

Photo by Afrim A. on Foursquare

The New York Times recently wrote an article telling us what we already know: the BQE sucks balls, and construction on it will last until the sun goes supernova and engulfs us all in flames.  I mean, c'mon, New York Times!  Really?  Can you imagine the end of that editorial meeting, with some random Sulzberger pounding his fist and saying, "Let's go out there and scratch that surface!"

Okay.  Actually, that's not fair, because there's really a lot of solid information in the article, even though the basic gist of the whole piece states the obvious.  For example, it turns out that the construction that's been going on on the BQE for the past few decades is just interim construction.  This isn't even the permanent fix to the problem.  And since they just canceled the environmental studies for the permanent fix, there will never actually be a permanent fix.  Just think about that.  There couldn't possibly be anything that's worse for the environment than decade-long road construction.  But they can't end that road construction with a permanent fix, because they can't find the money to do the environmental studies to determine whether the permanent fix would fuck up the environment.  So, the interim construction and maintenance will just continue indefinitely, because as long as the repairs are just temporary, you can fuck up the environment all you want, and the temporary repairs will last forever without actually fixing the problem!

Jesus H. on a broken ski.  That's fucking ridiculous.  I may have had an aneurysm writing that paragraph. Seriously.  Like, I think I smell burning toast, now.

Also, the Times interviewed an 85 year-old woman who lives right next to the expressway--the improbably-named Lucille Plotz. And I'm sure she does.  I'd plotz too if I'd had 30-some-odd years of horror stories about construction going on right outside my window.  The construction has ruined her butter cookies and dislodged her radiator cover, and she's been living with a window on the expressway since BEFORE THE EARLY 80's. That kind of stress would break me in half like a twig.  I would have forfeited whatever security deposit or down payment I had on that hell-hole of an apartment within ten minutes.  But Lucille Plotz did not move.  Ooooooh, no.  Not Lucille Plotz. Instead, she joined a group to protest the shoddy maintenance of the BQE, and stayed in her apartment!  Since Lucille Plotz is still alive after all of that, I think it's safe to assume that she's immortal.  We should all find her and ask if we can drink some of her blood.

So, with that kind of crack reporting, what does FiPS have to add to the story?  A couple of things actually.  

For one, the Department of Transportation has a  web page with Frequently Asked Questions about all of the different construction contracts for the Gowanus Expressway.  When you read the questions they think are "frequently asked", it becomes clear that there's something wrong at the DOT.  I don't want to know any of that crap.  But I've got a whole shitload of questions I do want answers to.  Like, what was the whole fucking point of splitting the westbound BQE down the middle so that the ramp to the Prospect Expressway is in the center two lanes instead of the left two, like it was three months ago?  And, how come there's a dedicated off ramp for Costco, but no corresponding on-ramp?  I wanna know stuff like that.

Another thing that you're not going to read about in the New York Times is that the construction project is so bad, that you can actually check into it on Foursquare.  Yep.  Traffic is so back-ed-up on the BQE between the Prospect Expressway and the Battery Tunnel, that someone had the time, while sitting in traffic, to use their mobile phone to register the "Gowanus Nightmare" as an actual location on Foursquare using their mobile phone.  And then a bunch of other people who were stuck in that traffic have become so bored waiting for the fume-spewing truck in front of them to move, that they've discovered that you can get Foursquare points by checking into a construction mess, so they've done just that.

People have taken photos of the traffic, and posted them to the location page.  And at press time, a guy named Jason S. from Staten Island was actually the Foursquare mayor of a traffic jam.  Jason S., if you're reading this, I just want to congratulate you for being the coolest guy on Staten Island.  You can put that on your Facebook page or something.  Fucked in Park Slope has made it official.  You're the man.  Everyone else on SI can go get bent.

Okay.  That's about it, I guess.  There's really no good way to end this post, except to say that it's all a huge fucking disaster and anyone who's ever tried to get from Windsor Terrace to LaGuardia is hopelessly and permanently screwed.  Sucks to be us. Boo-fuckin'-hoo.