STFU Parents

Welcome to our new fave blog: STFU Parents.

They've jumped head first with a bang,  into an issue that we at FIPS touched on many months ago: Facebook = Babybook

You used to be fun. Now you have a baby. If you're being driven crazy by your friends' baby updates every time you check your status feed, please feel free to contribute to this blog. stfuparentsblog@gmail.com Also on Twitter: twitter.com/STFUParents *submissions can be text, screen capture, anonymous, etc.*

Come on, people! So far, Park Slope is severely UN-represented on this site.  Step it up!

Park Slope Breeder Kills It on Jeopardy

If the topic of our BREEDER vs. BALLER column this week was trivia...and if BREEDER's column was guest written by Justin Bernbach, BALLER would be totally fucked.

Bernbach, a Park Slope resident, has so far won more than $80k on his recent winning streak on the popular gameshow Jeopardy.

I was totally impressed with this information...until I read about this: the dude got confused between Twitter and Facebook!?

F-A-I-L.

(via NY Daily News)

A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: You Are Not My Facebook Friend, Mom

Dear Mothers, Fathers, Mothers-in-Law, Fathers-in-Law, Most Aunts, Most Uncles, Godparents and Friends of Parents,

I think its great that many of you are embracing technology, texting with your kids, using digital cameras and, perhaps, even video chatting with your grandkids. In fact, I encourage to you to continue exploring the dub dub dub with reckless abandon. Set up an RSS reader for yourself! Start a family blog! Make your own greeting cards! Download some foreign language podcasts!

There is much out there on the web for you to enjoy.

But, here's the thing (and I'm sorry if its hard for you to hear this) but this is the honest truth that many of my Generation X, Y and We comrades are not quite sure exactly how to tell you is this: WE DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS.

Click to read more ...

BALLER Special Report: Facebook = BABYbook

Breeder vs. Baller will return with a bang, next week. This week we bring you a special edition, from the trenches report from our favorite resident badass: BALLER.

WASSUP, bitches? Happy Christmas, Merry Chanukah, Kicky Kwanzaa and blah, blah, blah. I've been nursing a killer eggnog buzz for the past few days, but I'm officially outta weed now, and there's just something I gotta get off my chest.

Facebook: embrace ur own fate and just go ahead and change your name to Babybook.

I fucking hate facebook now...HATE IT. Not because of all the annoying apps, and not because of the retarded new design. I hate it because its been totally and completely overrun by babiez.

My front page feed looks like a fucking yearbook for the pre-natal unit at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital. "Oh my gosh, he's sooooo adorbs!" "Little Beth is just as precious as her big sis!" Or my fave: "Alex looks like he loves his mommy and daddy very much!"

Right.

That's exactly what Alex looks like.

Wanna know what I think Alex looks like? I think Alex looks like "GETTHEFUCKOFFMYFACEBOOKFEED, you little fucker."

And you know what, I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. I really do get that you are super excited to be a new mommy and a new daddy, and I really really AM happy for you. I would love to see a pic every once in awhile of little Cooper or little Maizy tooling around the city or going to the pumpkin patch.

But when literally every single item in my feed is related to the comings and goings of the under 36 mos set (and every single comment, that every single friend needs to make about every fucking new pic posted of the under 36 mos set), it almost makes me wanna go back to myspace (and I HATE myspace with the fire of a thousand hot burning suns).

And Dubya Tee Eff with this new practice of putting a pic of your child *instead* of a pic of yourself?? Have you people ever heard of child predators?? Kidnappers?? If I am your friend, I am more than happy to click on your little photo album button and look there for pics of your precious offspring. I'm friends with you...not your little bebe.

And not only am I forced to deal with all the real world baby bullshit, now I have friends (*yes, actual people that I KNOW) making facebook profiles for their unborn fetuses (just like this asshole).

And its not just facebook. I read about some fucking dude the other day who has literally invented a contraption that twitters everytime his unborn baby kicks? It's called the kickbee!

I get that this is not really facebook's fault...it's my own fault for not having enough straight up BALLER friends like myself. And I guess I just really felt the need to write this as a reminder to all you self-important new parents: this is *exactly* the sort of shit that makes it so fucking annoying to be around you.

This notion that it is impossible to focus on/discuss/highlight/celebrate ANYTHING in your lives now that does not revolve around your kids is very fucking boring and tedious for EVERYONE except for:
*your spouse
*certain members of your family (though not all)
*other new parents who want to partake in this incessant, self-involved narcissistic mind fuck.

And sidenote: how is that we have, as a society, collectively anointed the act of becoming a parent as the penultimate, no holds barred, "hooray for me!" exercise worthy of a 24/7 liveblog/facebook/friendfeed/twitter fest over all others? Can you imagine ANYONE, ANYWHERE spending this much time and/or energy on facebook talking about their cat? Or their ceramics class? Or their cure for cancer research?

My guess is: no. You wouldn't last one week before you "unfriended" the annoying SOB's.

R U Facebook Friends w/PSlope?

So check this out: earlier this month, the New York Times wrote an article about the Facebook group "Thirty something and grew up in Park Slope."

a. This is why I love Facebook.
b. Not to get all self congratulatory on day fucking two, but this *totally* proves my Paris Hilton point about Park Slope.

People c-a-n-n-o-t stop talking about it.

Currently at 815 members (!), the article details the group's attempts at capturing the nostalgia of this innocent time in BK's history with charming slice of life anecdotes like this one: "the great break dancing battle (took place) in the playground of Public School 321 between Alfie, a black kid with relaxed hair and a Michael Jackson jacket, and Adam, a white kid who supposedly got his eyebrows singed when Alfie lit a piece of highly flammable paper for pyrotechnic effects."

There's a "whatever happened to" thread (where R U Seyin Cubucku??), some cool photos from back in the day and a few vids.

Uhm...ok.

While Alfie does, admittedly, sound like a total fucking rock star, mostly I'm just utterly fascinated by the fact that the NYT wrote this story in the first place. I mean, there is *literally* no story here...except, that, [yet again] Park Slope rules and whatever stupid town you're from sux.

Am I missing something?

No wonder everyone hates the shit out of us.

Anyway.

As a selfless gift to everyone else who has a hard on for Park Slope, I did some research and unearthed a number of other Facebook groups that might grease ur wheels:

*PARK FUCKING SLOPE (1,186 members)
*Park Slope is Dead (24 members)
*New Park Slope Ladies Funtime Goodtimes Group (8 members)
*You Know You're From Park Slope When... (426 members)
*Park Slope Ultimate Frisbee League (PSUFL) (54 members)
*The Inevitable Damnation of Park Slope (25 members)
*Ive (sic) Burned in Park Slope dis Summer (17 members)
*I Am Suspended from The Park Slope Food Coop (7 members)
*Get the NY Times To Shut Up About Park Slope Already (4 members)
*Dem Slope Boyz (a Park Slope Frat!!!) (request to join)

Right.

So, I guess I'll see all your asses in 20 yrs in the "yuppie wannabe douchetards who lived in da slope in oh to the 8" group (email me if you want admin privileges).