A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE: You Are Not My Facebook Friend, Mom
Effed in Park Slope | Friday, January 30, 2009 at 6:51AM 
Dear Mothers, Fathers, Mothers-in-Law, Fathers-in-Law, Most Aunts, Most Uncles, Godparents and Friends of Parents,
I think its great that many of you are embracing technology, texting with your kids, using digital cameras and, perhaps, even video chatting with your grandkids. In fact, I encourage to you to continue exploring the dub dub dub with reckless abandon. Set up an RSS reader for yourself! Start a family blog! Make your own greeting cards! Download some foreign language podcasts!
There is much out there on the web for you to enjoy.
But, here's the thing (and I'm sorry if its hard for you to hear this) but this is the honest truth that many of my Generation X, Y and We comrades are not quite sure exactly how to tell you is this: WE DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FUCKING FACEBOOK FRIENDS.
Like not at all...not even a little bit.
And also, its a little weird that you're even asking and putting us in the position of having to make this choice, but make it we will.
So here's some specific advice from us me: do not send me a "friend request," because it will be ignored. Do not ask me to join your Mob Wars team or play scrabble 2.0, and do NOT waste a "good karma" request on me...really.
I am sorry...but that's just how it is. Cause newsflash: even if you're "friends" with your children (nieces/nephews/God children/DIL/SIL), you're not in the same category as their friend friends.
In case you're confused about the difference, here's a little reminder of what we do with our friend friends (feel free to print this out if you need to):
* bitch and moan about you
* smoke weed
* drink
* talk about our sex lives
* look at porn
* bemoan our fucked up childhood
* play wii
* watch Sober House
* go to bars
* go to restaurants
* go to house parties with Bill Murray
* etc
Are you noticing anything here? Any patterns at all?
If you picked up on the fact that there is little to no crossover between the above activities and things we do with you (with the exception of "go to restaurants" and maybe "wii"), then you're maybe/kinda/sorta starting to get it.
And so, if we say "yes" to your friend request, that will mean that we're mixing things up big time...and worlds WILL collide...and that will not be cool. Cause we don't want to mix-up any of the stuff on that list above, with any of our stuff with you. And if you're our friend, we will.
Bonus round: Jewish mothers, in particular, you are all (mostly) way too nosy and way too up in our biz in the first place. Why in the FUCK would we want to literally roll out the red carpet and give you a front row seat into the world of us me, whereby you could more easily: snoop, judge, stalk our friends and judge some more?
Good question, right? Well, I've got the answer: we WOULDN'T.
So, no....in summary, we will not be accepting your friend request.
[Ignore]
[Click]
Love,
FIPS
Facebook, ongoing beefs 
-->
Reader Comments (8)
genius. in total agreement. moms, stay away!!!
And double ALL of that if your child has already told you to piss off, moved, and rather pointedly NOT given you the address or phone number! (Yes, this happened to me. After all that, my mom tried to "friend" me on Facebook!)
Trust me, no good can come of being friends with your kid on Facebook. All it took was a drinking binge on her part and an errant vibrator on my part to engage in a picture war that made us eventually unfriend each other.
Dear Facebook: please place this in your FAQ
effed in park slope, I want to have sex with you. Your eloquence reduces me to mere horniness. If you were a woman I would hate you for your pithy economy of language, but you are a man, and a depraved/deprived one at that. So can you please tell me how we can hook up and make sure you don't write about it here? email me. find out my ip address. i mean it.
maybe you just need to grow a sac/vag. if you were self confident and independent why would you give a fuck about that? you feel the need to hide your double life from the people that care most about you? i dunno, maybe i'm lucky to have an open relationship with my parents who i can pretty much tell anything to. my condolences on you crappy childhood, maybe airing the laundry out might save you from repeating the feat should you choose to reproduce.
http://facebookforparents.org/
here's a little reminder of what your parents do with your friend friends (feel free to print this out if you need to):
* bitch and moan about you
* reminisce how fucked up you were as a kid
* bemoan how raising kids took away all the good times
* smoke weed
* drink (a lot)
* talk about everyone's sex lives (or lack thereof)
* look at porn / buy sex toys
* go to house parties with Bill Murray
* etc