Berg'n: The Great Takeover?

Full Disclosure: I've yet to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I couldn't care less. I know. Amazing Marvel adaptation. Bradley Cooper plays a Raccoon. Vin Diesel revisits the role he's become famous for...a talking tree. I get it. The Guardians are a ragtag group guardianing our galaxy or some shit. There's an orb. Somebody wants to take over. There's always somebody who wants to take over.

Google wants to take over the internet. Transplants want to take over Park Slope. ISIS wants to take over pretty much everywhere. In the Brooklyn culinary sphere, the boom of hipsters & depression over the past decade has led to beer halls taking over the Brooklyn landscape. It's no ebola-sized infection, but in terms of square footage that I'm not willing to research & calculate, it's still notable.

I think back to 2008. Lil Wayne's The Carter III was about to sell a million copies in week one. WEEZY TAKING OVER. In this climate, Jonathan Butler & Eric Demby decided to start some thang in Ft Greene called the Brooklyn Flea. They added food. Locals flocked. Hipsters flocked. Six years later, they've become the guys behind a flea empire that expanded to Williamsburg & DUMBO, added "Smorgasbrewery" events at Brooklyn Brewery, expanded to D.C., failed in Philly & took over the Park Slope market at PS 321. Now, a half year after the initial anticipated March opening date, they've joined forces with the beer hall movement to open Berg'n, a Crown Heights beer hall on fuck you guess which street.

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Goldilocks & the Artisanal Porridge

Non-GMO. Gluten-Free.

Ok, great. Now that we've got that out of the way, it's time for a fairytale.

Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Breukelen, there lived a late-thirty-something male named Goldilocks. One weekend night, he found himself out wandering the streets of the posh Breukelen neighborhood of Parke Sloppe, imbibing & imbibing & imbibing.

Come the morn, aforementioned late-thirty-something male awoke to find himself famished, his mouth as dry as a wench's vagina and his head heavier than that same wench.

He left his home in search of sustenance and against all his instincts, made his way to Brooklyn Porridge, a month-old pop-up café in the space that's typically occupied in the non-winter months by Uncle Louie G's. Hyper-focus: Porridge. Slogan: "Comfort food redefined."

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I Hope Nothing's Fishy With This Pickle, Dog.

Once upon a time, in a mystical, magical land called Park Slope, craft beer was kinda Yeti-like. There was The Gate. There was Bierkraft. There was...well...pretty much nothing else. These days in the area around the Slope, there are plenty of places to grab a craft beer or two or six. That's great and all, but when it comes to bars, it's often the same beers over and over again: A Sixpoint on tap. A Brooklyn Brewery beer on tap. Perhaps a Founders or a Victory. MAYBE one unique beer...not usually though...

...and at the same time, throughout the NYC’s twee-est borough, the artisanal food & drink movement has been booming. Just ask The NY Times...and ask them again...and then ask them one more time, because they really have a lot to say on the subject.

Did you hear that pickles are in? It's true! I'm not jus' talkin' bout yer annual LES Pickle Fest. I'm not jus' talkin' about Gus's or even Brooklyn's own The Pickle Guys. I'm talking pickle-producing, up-and-coming whippersnappers. Brooklyn's McClure's Pickles has been making a name for themselves for a few years now. Thirty-something Shamus Jones, of Brooklyn Brine, has gone from making pickles and selling them in dark alleys to making pickles and selling them out of a Parkwanus storefront.

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Artisanal Vodka's OK, Right?

Oh, vodka. Pal of tonic. Warmer of Russians. Slayer of sorority girls. In college, you ruined me over & over again in shoddy Smirnoff form and, as a result, I now shun you. HARD. I mean, you’re just…blecch…difficult to…gag…BARF…get down.

That's why this past Sunday afternoon, when I headed to a block away from Gowanus Bay in Sunset Park to check out Industry City Distillery, producers of that aforementioned evil alcohol, I had to retch a little bit on the inside...for old times sake, obvs.

Industry City first became a reality ten months ago, when five dudes—Max, Dave, Zac, Peter & Rich—began The City Foundry, a "research and design group focused on improving small-scale manufacturing processes through the blending of science and art." The basic idea is that they figure out ways to help small businesses succeed.

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