Stupid Cupid: What To Do on V-Day If...

Our National Day of Disappointment and Obligation is upon us. Since you’re probably going to do something or go somewhere on Feb 14, FIPS has prepared a guide to meet the varied needs of our diverse readership. In other words, something for the Ballers, something for the Breeders.

Where to go/what to do on Valentine’s Day if… 

1. You want to Get Laid (yes, we know, everyone wants to get laid. Put it this way: If You Have a Halfway Decent Chance of Getting Laid and this could seal the deal)
Grand Central Oyster Bar Brooklyn
According to the recently-opened restaurant’s press release, “The oyster is heralded by many as nature’s ultimate aphrodisiac” and "Legend has it that the true Roman orgy had thousands upon thousands of oysters.” Indeed, we learn, even Casanova, in those dark pre-Viagra days, turned to the oyster to boost his libido. So slurp those gelatinous globs, if that turns on you and your date. If you prefer, they also have a lobster prix fixe, if you want to get all Flashdance; wear a tuxedo jacket with no shirt, and break into a lobster claw with your teeth. Hot! And crunchy!

2. You are on a first date. (First of all, are you fucking nuts? A first date on Valentine’s Day?)
Terroir Park Slope
Tapas. Less pressure, somehow, than full-on dinner. And you can cut out in 25 minutes, or linger indefinitely, depending on how this ill-advised outing shapes up. For example: “So hey, thanks for the bruschetta; my dog needs her yeast infection medicine.” Or “My good sir! Bring us another platter of your finest Wild Boar Cacciatorini and 2 more steins of mead!” (Seriously, they have mead there.)

3. You and your date are parents of children under 25. (Mostly you just want a fine meal in a restaurant without paper placemats and crayons.)
Stone Park Café
grown-up and unfussy, offering a V-day menu, but doesn’t make a big to-do out of it; or,
Rosewater
if you’re after something a little more “in the mood,”  features romantic flowers and flattering lighting. Its website claims: “studies indicate that dining at RW promotes longer, healthier, happier relationships,” so skip the couples therapist this week!

4. You can’t find a babysitter want to bring the kids.
Lakeside Rink.
Evening ice skating is romantic for the grown-ups, a fun novelty for the kids. Since one of you (grown-ups) can barely stand on skates, you and your other can hold hands and the kids won’t totally gag at the sight of your clasped mittens. On the way home, hot chocolate and s’mores at Winter Warmers keeps the family-friendly vibe going. The kids will be all wired, and you’ll be exhausted.
 
5. You’re crafty. (You didn’t make a dinner reservation; everything’s been booked for weeks.)
The Painted Pot.
No, you can’t do that thing like in Ghost with the clay and the potter’s wheel, but you can BYOB and be cute and make matching espresso cups, or doodle sweet nothings on heart-shaped ceramic boxes, and exchange them in week after they’ve been glazed and fired.
 
6. You like romantic movies (and don’t feel strongly that bed bugs and Valentine’s Day have to be mutually exclusive)
The Pavilion.
There’s a romantic drama playing, Endless Love, which is definitely a remake of Endless Love (1981), and a romantic comedy playing, About Last Night, which may or not be a remake of About Last Night (1986), which was definitely a movie based on the play Sexual Perversity in Chicago.
 
7. You’re a pop culture junkie
House of Cards 2^nd season premiere
As Park Slope denizen Christie Smythe told the New York Post: “We’ve discussed no plans for Valentine’s Day otherwise…We’re going to come home and be like, ‘Uh, it’s Valentine’s Day on a Friday night. It is a hassle.’ Why would we do that when we have ‘House of Cards’ to watch?” Damn right, Christie!
 
8. You believe Morrissey is God
The Bell House
Have a pint with or without a paramour, and flavor your pint of stout with your own salty tears as Smiths’ tribute band, The Sons and Heirs, break your heart. If they’re any good.
 
9. You want to ignore the whole thing, but don’t want to stay home
Mr. Won Ton.
Make like a Jew on Christmas and go out for Chinese food instead of ordering in.