Park Slope Craigslist Blotter: Valentine's Day Edition
Jim | Friday, February 14, 2014 at 7:10AM 
It's a special, Valentine's Day edition of the Craigslist blotter this week. While I'll be eating a heart shaped pizza alone and drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle it's not all sad times in Loverville. Our first story is a set of found keys. We've all lost keys. This post might really make somebody's day.
This person waited a week to post that they found a kid's stuffed bunny. Best guess: they've been getting up in them plush guts. You know how it is. You find a child's most cherished possession. Well worn from all the hugs and snuggles it's gotten over the years. And you spend a night jacking off into it. Then you wake up and go at it again. Hare of the dog that bit you. Tale as old as time really.
We don't put them in the blotter but there are always a lot of modeling gigs on Craigslist. I don't know. I think this one seems more legit than the others. It details very specifically what you will be doing; handing out roses to strangers for Valentine's Day. Also it pays terribly. Nobody is trying to lure you to your death with the promise of $10 an hour.
I told you we had a theme going this week! Man, we're cooking. These people are making a documentary on online dating and they need people to interview. If you're already putting yourself out there what do you have to lose? I hope this goes well because terrible online first date stories are the best.
MISSED CONNECTION: ONLINE DATING
BANG!! Another one. This girl got a perfect OkCupid message from a man…January 8th. She tried responding today and **poof** he's gone. Keyser Soze? Convince me. Convince me. Nah, you're just terrible. We all deal with the indignities of online dating and this man puts himself out there because of a society that demands he make the first gesture. You know just to earn the opportunity to buy you a drink and hear your theories about the plot arc of BONES. And then you wait 5 weeks to respond to a guy and wonder where he is. What a tragedy. If you need the number for a pizza place doing heart shaped pies today send us an e-mail here at FIPS headquarters.
MISSSED CONNECTION: HOG TATTOO MAN
I wish there were some ages for this post. I can't get a visual without ages. I've just got nice eyes to go on. I'm picturing the guy from Prison Break and that just can't be right. Lady, go back and talk to him. If he rejects you, fuck him. He's got some terrible hog tattoo anyway.
This one provides an age but nothing else. To a 54 year old cab driver. "Let me know if you change your mind. I enjoyed our time together!" Ugh. Maybe it's because I drove a taxi for 6 months but that sounds hot right? And that's it. Sometimes the best way to tell a story is not to tell one at all. A provocative setup and let imaginations run wild. We're learning so much today.
The post lady always rings twice? This is similar to the cab driver story in that it's short. However, it lays everything out. Guy thinks his mail lady is hot and wants to treat her like a plush bunny rabbit. I was also a mail carrier for awhile so guess what? Yeah, this is doing it for me too.
That's it for us here. We hope you all have a fantastic Valentine's Day! I'm going to dump the rest of my NyQuil in this half pint of Jim Beam I've got.
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