[ROUND-UP] Bike Lane Gift Guide

I knew the issue with the Prospect Park Bike Lane had reached epic proportions when my father called me to inform me of two things:

1. The Buffalo Evening News had reported on the shit that was going on with the the bike lane.

2. I must live in the stupidest goddamned neighborhood on the planet.

It's always nice to know that no matter how old you get, your parents, as long as their dialing fingers remain in tact, will always call you up and inform you how you're doing everything wrong.  I don't even care about the bike lane, but somehow I'm lumped into this douchey group of people that MUST have an opinion just via our proximity to the issue.

So, since everyone in this neighborhood HAS to be one one side of the yellow line on this issue, we've put together a Bike Lane Gift Guide for both sides.

Put on your helmets, dbags.

1. I Heart My Bicycle Bell ($10, Urban Outfitters): As a bicyclist in the city, it's common for you to have a complete and total disregard for anyone walking anywhere.  But for you rare few who pay attention to pedestrians and would like to either avoid hitting them or warn them 15 seconds before you actually do crash into them, this bicycle bell is for you. 

2. Cycle Care Kit ($15, Uncommon Goods): While you may leave your bike chained up outside of a bar in the rain for 35 hours during your last whiskey bender, you still CARE about your bike.  You want to keep it in good condition! Pick up this kit and oil the gears or something.  I don't really know what goes into bicycle maintenence.  I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU PEOPLE LIVE.

3. Brain Helmet ($120, Etsy): True story: when I was 8 years old, my mother and I went shopping for a bike helmet. I wanted this really cool helmet that had a rainbow flame design on it, but my mom wouldn't buy it for me. I wasnt mad, just confused, because this was the first time I had been denied anything. We got home, and the truth came out: she wouldn't buy the helmet for me because the retarded kid on Barney and Friends had the same helmet. She figured I'd see it and want to take it back. What's worse? That she thought I was this much of a jerk at eight years old, or that she was right?  WHATEVER, GUYS.  PROTECT YOUR BRAINS. 

4. BK Fixie Sweatshirt ($58, Brooklyn Industries): Think about all of the shirts you wore in college: "I like it dirty," accompanied by a martini glass; "I'd hit that," accompanied by a pinata, etc.  The usual signifier of youth is that you always want everyone to know what you're thinking or what you'd like to associate yourself with.  You like thinly-veiled sexual innuendos!  You love bikes!  You want the whole world to know! 

All of this is fine for awhile, but then you grow up, get bitter and tired, and realize that all of the energy you spent on having opinions about things would be better spent inside: drinking beers, watching Mad Men, and avoiding any and all natural sunlight.     

5. Bike Underwear ($18, Etsy): There are a million "ride me" jokes I could make here, but I'm going to try to keep it classy.  Okay, that was a lie.  "Ride," "dismount," "spokes": they all imply copious amounts of sexytime, so why don't you just cut right to the chase and get it emblazoned on your underwear?  DONE.

1. Seat Buckle Belts ($20, Uncommon Goods): Yeah man, you love cars so much you never want to take off your seatbelt.  If you're not talking about your love for Henry Ford (did you know that he invented the assembly line?), you're dragging several unwilling parties to classic car shows.  You're always "strapped in," as they say (I don't know who says that).  Pick up this seatbelt belt to let everyone know that you think cars are GREAT.   

2. Hi-Tech Key Cap ($8, Urban Outfitters): It happens to you at least once a week.  You have 1/4 of a panic attack because you think you've lost your keys.  You empty your bag on the hood of your car, trying to find them, mumbling to yourself the way homeless people on the A train do.  Surprise, surprise: your keys are either in your pocket or in your fucking hand.  Key-free bicyclists whiz by, laughing at you.  LAUGHING.  

3. Moustache Wall Clock ($16, Urban Outfitters): Let's face the facts.  If you are really, really, intensely opposed to the bike lane, that means you have nothin' but time to spend, petition in hand, at pointless town hall or city council meetings.  Keep track of the next time-wasting meeting with this handsome moustache clock.  It'll remind you of your arch rivals, the moustachioed assholes who support the bike lane.  

4. One Less Bike Bumpersticker ($5, Lord Rex): Why have an intelligent discussion about your political views when you can say it ALL via a snarky bumpersticker?  This sticker is a direct attack on the self-righteous bicyclists that always talk about how, in riding a bike, there's "one less car."  Following that logic, me staying at home means that there's "one less d-bag" rolling around town.  I guess it works.     

1. I Piss Excellence T-Shirt: Yes, sir.  You piss excellence. While lesser people are worrying where they're going to pedal their bikes or park their douchey hybrid cars, you're more concerned about how many dollars you're going to make today and what bitches you're gonna fuck tonight.  You are a champion. 

2, 3 & 4. A pack of Marlboro Lights, a bottle of whiskey, and a case of Bud Light: Sounds like any party worth going to, right?  Helllllll yeah!  You don't sign petitions, you get drunk and light them on fire!  You don't canvass the neighborhood, trying to get people to see your side of things, you slam 20 Bud Lights and call your ex-girlfriend.  What a life!  

Here's a fun idea: drink a bottle of whiskey and go to a council meeting. Bust in the room to the tune of Queen's "Bicycle Race" and recite the pivotal speech found in any trite sports movie.  If anyone asks what your problem is, just blame your speechwriter, Jack Daniel's. 

For more insensitive comments, gift suggestions, and general douchebaggery, follow Amanda on Twitter @amandawaas, or visit her website, You're Welcome.