[Review'd] Sea Witch

When I last lived in the vicinity of Park Slope, it was 2008-2009, and I resided in a 4th floor walkup on 4th Ave & 21st St. As far as stuff worth going to on 5th Ave past 21st street, there was basically nothing until you hit Sunset Park. Since then, the selection of bars and restaurants past 15th has grown & voila! As of this past December, there's finally something worth going to past 21st Street.

I'm speaking of Sea Witch, the bar on 5th Ave between 21st & 22nd Street with a name that evokes the nasty-ass Ursula skank from The Little Mermaid. Since its opening back in December, I've grabbed food and drinks there on a number of occasions, and every time, there've been a good amount of people hanging out in the bar: a crowd but nothing too crazy. A few weeks back, I finally got the chance to sit down with Andy Hawkins, the owner of the place.

The bar gets its name from the Sea Witch, a clipper ship that used to embark out of NYC for China as part of the booming tea trade. At the time, rich NYC fuckers were trying to get their hands on tea POST HASTE, so people tried designing the fastest ships to make tea runs to China. The Sea Witch was the fastest of these ships, setting a round trip record to Hong Kong of 74 days. In later days, the ship’s captain went on to helm another boat called the Challenge. His crew mutinied against him somewhere around Rio, stabbing him a bunch of times. So yeah…Andy is essentially the captain of Sea Witch.

After working in restaurants & bars for years, it's the first establishment that Andy's owned. The process of opening has been a long time coming for him, as he bought the building way back in 2008 and did an entire gut renovation of the place, ending up with the unique environment he has today.

When you first walk in, you're instantly drawn to the huge-ass ovalesque fish tank behind the bar.

Featuring ridiculously blue LED back lighting, the first time I went in I thought the fish were a friggin digital projection. Turns out the fish are real…& there's this one big one (pictured bottom left) who's a real bastard, always picking on the littler fish. The bar itself has seats that are basically shaped like old-timey saddles.

In the back, there's an expansive painting by this dude named Paul Brainard on one wall...

...& a little nook across from it.

In the spring they're going to open up a large patio out back as well. While it's not built up yet, when it finally is it'll have its own fish pond, so that'll be pretty rad.

A big focus of the alcohol is the relatively impressive beer selection, which features a regular dozen-or-so craft beers on tap and a few rotating selections.

Along with craft beers like the Lagunitas Sumpin Sumpin and the Greenport Harbor Porter, they've got flavorful, high ABV beers like the Allagash Curieux & the Smuttynose Gravitation. For the non-beer snob, there's even stuff like Miller Lite & Guinness.

Then there's the food.

Andy stressed that he'd much rather have a small, focused menu where everything's well done than have an expansive menu where drunk people stand at the bar confused about what to order. Personally, the first thing that I ever tried was their Steve's of Greenpoint Wedding Kielbasa Sandwich ($6), which comes with barrel-cured kraut, onions & mustard on a toasted hoagie roll.

The kielbasa itself is smoky & garlicky and if you like spicy mustards with visible mustard seeds in them, the one they use will be right up your alley.

What keeps me coming back though is their burger.

I'd put it on the same level as Shake Shack (Fire away, jack off commenters!). Andy's originally from St. Louis, so just like Shake Shack's Danny Meyer, he's a huge fan of Steak 'n Shake, the Midwest-based burger chain that just recently opened its first location here in NYC. Steak 'n Shake's burgers are relatively thin, cooked medium & made with a higher fat content, so the fat renders better & grills up with a nice, crisp outside & a juicy inside. Sea Witch follows this formula, with a burger that's equal parts brisket, short rib & chuck. It's the top-selling item on their menu & for good reason. It's affordable ($5.50, $8 with fries) & simple, made with fresh tomato, lettuce & onion.

...& if you're getting the burger, you might as well get the fries too. They're thin & crispy & not too greasy. Damn good.

Though I've yet to try it, their clam roll is another one of the more popular items on their menu. It's made with tartar sauce & lettuce and while it's a little bit pricier ($11), they get their full-bellied clams straight from Ipswich, MA, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's probably tasty.

Anyway, the place has a pretty cool atmosphere with music that's curated by Andy, who's played guitar in the hardcore instrumental band Blind Idiot God since the mid-80's. While the bar's playlist is sort of all over the place--with everything from salsa music to Zeppelin to Pat Benatar--it's usually great music to drink to. In the future, they'll even have one of them new-fangled computerized jukeboxes that you'll get credits for when you buy a drink. The more you drink, the more you can subject the rest of the bar to your TOTALLY AWESOME taste in music!

In short, if you don't at least stop by to try the burger and stare at the fish tank, you've completely failed as a human being. They're currently open from 4pm-4am on the weekends & from 5pm-4am Sunday through Thursday with happy hour til 7pm. Once the weather gets nicer, you'll have even more opportunity, as they're planning on being open for lunch at least on the weekends.

Seriously though. Check it out, punk.

Sea Witch, 703 5th Ave (btwn 21st & 22nd), 347-227-7166

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.