Park Slope: Home of Adam's Atomic Dustbin

When you think of the word "atomic," what do you think of? Do you think of "atomic lasers falling from the sky?" Do you think of the 1992 Ned's Atomic Dustbin #1 hit "Not Sleeping Around?" Has Joe McCarthy got to you and your brain instantly goes to death and destruction and "BOMB?"

I bet decades ago, when Atomic Wings founder Adam Lippin fell in love with Buffalo wings and decided to turn his love of said food into a franchised chain of wing joints, he was associating good thoughts with the word "atomic." I bet he loved hotass wings but had absolutely no idea that there'd be a seriously sad incarnation of his winged vision holding down prime real estate in Park Slope...in 2014.

Flashback: In the summer of 2011, when the world was coming to an end, I declared that my "FiPS End of Days Meal" would be "as many Jerk BBQ Chicken Littles from Atomic Wings as possible and 7-8 growlers of beer from Bierkraft." Almost three years have passed since then and, looking back on that decision, I can't help but wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Atomic Wings for a last meal? C'mon now.

Seriously 2011 Shawn? The world is being consumed by various chimeras and brimstone and you're going out like that? I mean, I get the 7-8 growlers of beer from Bierkraft. "Something, drink & be merry. For tomorrow we die." I get it. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Black out. You're going to die anyhow...craft beer? Shit...might as well give heroin a try, for what it's worth.

Picture it: End of the world. Seth Rogen is by your side and you and your buddies are fleeing varied apocalyptic obstacles. You frolic about, looting as many kitchens of as many quality Park Slope restaurants as possible. You're gluttonous. You make your way down 9th St and come upon Atomic Wings. You stop for a sec, and though Rogen's a f'n stoner who will probably eat any goddam thing you put in front of him, he peers into Atomic Wings and makes a really clever joke incorporating both Last Supper imagery and the Wayne's World "not worthy" phrase. You high five and have a hearty chortle and spark a J and eventually move on…that is, unless you have an "end of days" prisoner with you. In that case, you drag said prisoner past the "Now Serving Beer" sign and around the corner into Atomic Wings' basement bathroom. It's the perfect place for you and Rogen to torture the shit out of that prisoner.

In short, last night I had my final Park Slope Atomic Wings meal. FOR REALZ THIS TIME. 'Twas a small order of Jerk BBQ Chicken Littles. In case you're wondering, I did ask for extra wing sweat.

At least once a week for about a year or so, Atomic Wings' Jerk BBQ Chicken Littles (their "boneless" menu item) were my go-to meal. I have a habit of frequenting places within a block of the subway and Atomic Wings fit the bill. Their chicken was always satisfyingly white & relatively healthy looking.

The Jerk BBQ sauce satisfied my every craving for protein delivery through sweetness and spiciness. I loved it so. Yes, I admit that I'm sort of doing it wrong by ordering boneless wings. In the end, the shoddiness of the Park Slope Atomic Wings customer service and the reality of the sliminess of their Jerk BBQ sauce and the fact that I stopped by early last week and they were out of boneless wings and the general "semi-but-not-really-upscale fast food" vibe of the place kinda outweighs my addiction. I just shouldn't go there...and don't even get me started on my half-cocked theories about the random dudes who're usually lounging on the couch near the front.

Some time last year, I tried to stop stopping by but I've since tried to rekindle the love on multiple occasions. I really have. Last night, I went there after a string of times where I'd brought my Jerk BBQ Chicken Littles home and dug in and thirty minutes later, swore to myself that I'd never again walk through Atomic Wings' doors.

I keep coming back though. Maybe there's CRACK COCAINE in the jerk sauce. Maybe I'm addicted. I can't be sure. I keep coming back though. After going back last night, I once again found myself wondering what I'd done. Why didn't I just bring my shame to KFC or Popeye's?

In short, Atomic Wings is seriously weak.

I'm going to give Adam Lippin the benefit of the doubt. Based on this 2007 NY Times piece on gay couples adopting, he seems like a normal, family dude...the kind of guy who'd buy a Park Slope brownstone. He'd have a nanny. His kids would go to Montessori school. As is likely the case with 90% of Park Slope parents, I'm going to assume he'd never step foot inside the Park Slope Atomic Wings. In the off chance that he did, he likely wouldn't go back.

I swear I won't go back. I really mean it this time.

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com and eatdrinktaco.com.