PARK SLOPE CRAIGSLISTING: Friend Without Benefits

Occasionally, I peruse the Craigslist personals section in order to gain insight into the minds (genitals) of Brooklyn-ites in their progressive pursuits of relationships (genitals).

Like many of the folks who solicit strangers online, the author of this ad attempts to appear laid-back and practical in her request for a "friend without benefits". Unfortunately, while her lengthy list of irrational requisites rise, her casual credibility proceeds to plummet.

Greetings,
Right away I'm sure since I'm posting this ad particularly in the "strictly platonic" (friendship) section, that many of you assume that I'm just looking for a friend to hang out with. When in fact, my intentions are far more intricate, hence the "engage in platonic relationship." I am specifically looking for someone who is interested and willing to become a platonic companion. What that basically means is that we would be forming an affectionate attachment with the intellect of an opposite sex with no intentions of physical romance or sexual pleasures. In other words, I'm basically looking for a sexless marriage, though of course we don't actually have to get married.

Personal preferences: Has to be male in the 25-40 age range, and I could care less about his sexual orientation (gay or straight). In order for this to work the connection between us should be very strong, therefore we should have alot in common, which will probably and preferably be defined through our astrological signs. I particularly get along mostly with water signs, (e.g. Second Decan Scorpios, Pisces, First and Third Decan Cancers) but I'm also open to Virgos, Libras, and Aquarius'. Leos, Aries, and Capricorn especially need not apply. I don't really need any financial support, but do expect my future other half to be responsible with their own finances. If you've passed my criteria so far, and you're in any way addicted to drugs, then please just go, I have no time to support or rehabilitate junkies. Other than that, I really don't mind race, religion, height, weight, looks, etc.

The previous paragraphs remind me of the ice-breaking banter exchanged during a blind date. However, once "a lot" is misspelled, and the phrases "Third Decan Cancers" and "junkies" arrive, it's time to scour the bar for emergency exits, and check your Gin and Tonic for small, powdery pieces of GHB.

If you're still a bit confused with what exactly a platonic relationship entails:

Platonic form of love is nurtured only by affection with the eternal spirit and not by the physical bodies, for example loving one’s heart, soul, and mind more than his or her physical appearance. In a simpler narration, as writer, critic, and journalist Thyra Samter Winslow places it, “platonic love is from the neck up.” Platonic lovers are characterized by the notion that they are non-impulsive; feeling fulfilled and pleasured by each other's company itself. They believe that love exists in the intellect and not in the outer-self. In a platonic relationship a person need not be a boyfriend or girlfriend so as to be a companion, but opposite sex individuals can share laughs and tears to develop lifelong platonic friendships. Such friends should have high respect for each other and must keep their feelings in check in a timely manner. Hugging and kissing often is not an ingredient of a platonic friendship. A platonic relationship doesn't mean one can ask a friend for favors and expect the friend to calmly accept them. Taking each other's problems seriously is very much important. Platonic relationships stay alive in the workplace, in social groups and in any gathering of single and married people who are integrated in a sole interest. Developing a valuable platonic relationship will summon excellent communication by the two. It is to be well understood that platonic friendships carry value but do not pertain to a sexual contact. Platonic relationship shouldn’t be tagged with any sexual meaning. Touching or talking inappropriately with a platonic friend may ruin the beautiful bond and using words with sexual nuance should be strictly avoided.

After reading this puritanical poster's definition of a platonic relationship, I wonder if:
A) Her current companions consist of cats named Bella Swan and Edward, plus anything with its ass signed by Xavier Roberts.
B) Stephen King's "Misery" is her favorite love story.
C) She fails to realize how ironic it is to quote “platonic love is from the neck up", from a woman who died from complications of physical paralysis.

Compensation: I am willing to give an allowance, if that would by chance irk more of your interest and initiation towards a platonic relationship. You would also of course, be compensated with room and board at my townhouse. Meaning we would be living together, and you would have your own room. Of course, there will also be guidelines that both of us will have to make and agree upon.

Nevertheless, in order to sweeten this already delicious deal, the author will provide (the victim) with free living quarters in posh Park Slope AND cash money! Perhaps I'm a  pessimist, but there is something uncommonly unsettling about this entire scenario. Unfortunately, I cannot put my finger on it.*

*The placement of an appendage, limb, or any flesh-covered canal within the proximity of the Master, would be considered a vile violation of the "no touching guideline", and subsequent sacrifice of the living quarters in the crawlspace and/or basement of her townhouse would ensue.

A little about me: I will not publicly disclose many details of my personal life here, for fear of scrutiny from my colleagues and consideration to that of the institution I work for, but I can acknowledge that for my age (28) I am quite successful. Quite successful enough to afford the cosmopolitan lifestyle of NYC which includes a lovely place in Park Slope, Brooklyn, authorization to Gramercy Park and Hotel, and easy access to some the most exclusive restaurants in Manhattan. I also have a Toyota Prius that I would be willing to share. I enjoy really kitschy cult movies, so we could go to B-horror movies or campy Kung-Fu film festivals. My musical taste is quite extensive, I enjoy Brazilian psychedelic rock to Led Zeppelin to even current rap music. I genuinely love to stay fit myself, and you can often find me either running or playing tennis. I don't necessarily enjoy boring superficial conversations, so the weirder the better. Even though, yes, this ad is quite superficial and boring. In all, I would like a person who I can relate to on a deep emotional level, I want to laugh to with you, I want to have fun with you, I want to break my back going on the Coney Island rollercoaster with you whilst we clench our nails into the foam lap bar of the coaster car and pray to the Lord that he let us survive this ,"how did this pass inspection" ride. Now that I think about it, if you ride a fixed gear or in anyway have locked your shitty 10 speed to a random person's iron gate entrance in BK, then you need not apply aswell. You guys are just as much as assholes as the drivers of New York. P.S. Obviously by dispelling the aforementioned most of you will probably contact me with ulterior motives (i.e. money), but hopefully I can sniff the bullshit out, and find that one genuine person who is also looking for something other than just physical love :).

As I neared the end of this long-winded listing, I realized that the most distressing detail of this post was how ridiculously this woman presents her plea.  No, it's not because she redundantly repeats the word "quite", as though she's a British nobleman. No, it isn't because she speaks so flippantly about breaking her back, after carelessly quoting a dead paraplegic. And it certainly isn't because she drives a Toyota Prius, yet looks down upon people who ride well-worn 10-speed bikes.

It's simply because she actively abhors Capricorns, and I'm a Capricorn*.

*According to Parke Kunkle, I'm really a Sagittarius, but whatever, she's a bitch.