Park Slope Craigslist Blotter

1. FREE: Shit

We had a garden this year at FIPS headquarters. Things popped up but nothing grew big. We were all disappointed. And when it came time for the harvest share people were fighting over the big ear of corn. Come on ya’ll! Even at Union Market it costs less than a dollar a piece. This poster might have what our little garden was missing. Real, pungent, chicken shit. Hot out the chicken! It’s free. You just need to pick it up in Bushwick.

2. FREE: Introduction to Dianetics

Dianetics are the rules or religion or whatever that Scientologists practice. Scientologist are known for being rich and quick to head to court over insults. They are similar to the boxing manager in Rocky V who keeps saying “touch me and I’ll sue.”

3. MISSED CONNECTION: Breastfeeding

My aversion to breastfeeding has been documented here before. I find it to be unnatural even though it’s actually the most natural thing in the world. Have I oversexualized the female body? Am I what’s wrong with the world? Maybe. Or maybe it’s residual psychological trauma from watching an 11 or 12 year old kid get breastfeed while I was waiting to catch a red eye to Chicago. This kid had facial hair starting to sprout. It was disturbing. This fellow though, our horny Craigslister, he wouldn’t have been grossed out at all. In fact, he finds it quite arousing. So if you breastfeed your baby near a waterfall in the park this week drop him a line. I’m sure he’s not a dangerous sexual deviant.

4. MISSED CONNECTION: Falling for you

This is a bit of a weird one. For starters, she’s 23. It’s rare we see young folk cluttering up the Missed Connection feed. She wrote a pretty long but not incoherent post. So that’s rare too. Um. And her missed connection took place 3 falls ago. Is she a time traveler? Did she quantum leap to that day? I’d like to think so. She welcomes any and all leads and she asks if you think you’re her guy to please send a pic! That’s a dangerous game to play. She could be flooded with sexts now. Unless that’s all she wanted in the first place. Then she’s a damn genius.

5. MISSED CONNECTION: What’s so funny?

This massive creep asked a lady for a pen that he was planning on using to write his number down with. On the subway. To give to a total stranger. Fortunately, he was interrupted by somebody grabbing the pole while holding a book. Which he found hilarious because people read? I don’t know. I guess print is dead. He ends it by saying he has a beard and a hat, because of course he does. And he calls Craigslist an outdated forum. That’s all I can stands. Sir, your pick-up technique is so aggressive it borders on predatory, your sense of humor is incomplete to the point that I wonder if you are an extra-terrestrial playing at being human and you know nothing about Craigslist. Also you probably look shitty and stupid in that hat. 

6. MISSED CONNECTION: Asian Massage Therapist

I guess my personal favorite Missed Connections are the ones that use filthy language. I just really like dirty talk. This poster knows his massage therapist isn’t gay. But he has a big crush on him anyway. And all he wants in this big crazy world is this Asian dude to top him. Tail as old as time? Little gay Disney humor, ya’ll. If that’s too much to ask for he says he’ll settle for some inappropriate touching during the massage, ending with a vigorous face fucking.