Park Slope Absolutely Needs Its Own Line of Soups

Did you guys know that Campbell's Soup is coming out with a whole new line of soup for hipsters? (or "restless spirits with adventurous tastes," as Campbell's refers to them.) It's true. The soup company is going to market in hipster hotspots like Portland, Austin and San Francisco, and recipes will include things like coconut curry with chicken and shiitake mushrooms, and creamy red pepper with smoked gouda.

Can you imagine the meeting that sparked this idea? Picture it: those little, fat, rosy-cheeked baby chefs are sitting around applying sunscreen to each other and speaking in high-pitched squeaky voices, when one of them says, (in a widdle baby voice), "Why don't we twy to sewl soop to hipstews?"  Then they both go, "Yaaaaaay!" and wave their arms in the air while soup and sunscreen flies everywhere.

Well, as long as those fat baby people are developing new products to cater to stereotypical lifestyles, we here at FiPS would also like to contribute. Here's our pitch for a line of Park Slope-specific soups:

1. For Lesbian Softball Teams: Organic lentil and kale soup, packaged in a sports drink bottle.

2. For People Who've Lived in the Slope for 40 years and Can't Afford to Stay, but Also Can't Afford to Move:  Old school minestrone, with chunks of brownstone and kale.

3. For Patrick Stewart:  A’ shall answer it. Some pigeons, Davy, a couple of short-legged hens, a joint of mutton, and any pretty little tiny kale kickshaws, tell William cook.

4. For Some Food Co-op Members:  Matzo-ball soup with kale and Israeli couscous.

5. For Other Food Co-op Members:  A bowl of kale and slow-cooked anger. 

6. For the Army of Toddlers at the Tot Lot: Chicken nugget soup with grilled cheese chunks and homemade fruit leather.  Perhaps some kale hidden in there, for nutritional value.

7. For Day-Drinking Moms:  Vodka, with puréed olives as a sort of thickener.  And kale.

Hmm.. What else did we miss?