Obnoxious Asshole Needs A Roommate

Oh fuck, everyone, I need a roommate starting May 1.

When considering potential roommates, here are my options:

A.) Men—No, too messy.
B.) Gay Men—No, too dramatic.
C.) Women—Yes, but probably crazy.
D.) Gay Women—Maybe, but definitely crazy.
E.) Someone I know—Preferred.

Posting an ad for a room for rent on Craig’s List seems like the appropriate thing to do, however, anyone who has read any of the “Missed Connections” on that very same website, knows that the people perusing Craig’s List range from normal people looking to buy or sell a couch, to deranged psychos that have a questionable grasp on reality.

Personally, I’d prefer to live with someone who doesn’t chop prostitutes up into tiny pieces for fun on weekends. However, finding friends and acquaintances that want to move to Brooklyn and can afford to fork over a boatload of money in rent (all on my specific timeline) is proving to be difficult.

This means that I have to resort to posting an ad on Crazy Craig’s List, and will be forced to personally weed out the whackjobs.

Here is the first draft of the ad I’m planning to post:

Dear Potential Roommate,

From the description of the apartment (spacious, furnished two-bedroom apartment with a large living room, full bathroom, separate storage room, and office area in a beautiful Brooklyn brownstone, only a 10 minute walk from the subway, two blocks from Prospect Park, near all the amenities, from award-winning restaurants, lively bars, to Rite Aid, large grocery store, Laundromat, and dry cleaners), you either think I’m embellishing or full-out lying. This is a reasonable assumption, but let me assure you that I am not doing either of those things. This is an amazing apartment.

Because of how amazing it is, I would like to keep it amazing by not living with certain types of people. If you find yourself reading any of the following descriptions and thinking, “Hey, that’s me!,’ please look elsewhere. It’s nothing personal. Okay, it’s totally personal. Read on:

1. Drama Queen from Long Island: The majority of your wardrobe is covered in sequins, and most of your friends are obnoxious guys with nicknames such as “Beef Roast” or “Stacked” who wear gigantic diamond stud earrings and backwards baseball hats. Although you live in Brooklyn, you refuse to go out anywhere but nightclubs in Manhattan, where you are willing to pay $20 for a cover and $15 for a tiny mixed drink like a jackass. You have one volume (loud), and you never clean up after yourself or have any sense of personal responsibility because your rich parents have always done everything for you all of your life, thus rendering you a scary adult-child with real bills and rent to pay, yet no idea how to deal with it.

2. I Love My Boyfriend!! I Hate My Boyfriend!! We’re Back Together!! Girl: You have been dating the same guy for years but you have broken up and gotten back together about 700 times. You have talked about marriage extensively but you can barely get through a week without a big, blow out fight that involves tears, tantrums, and the throwing of your cell phone across the room. All of your friends are secretly sick of hearing about your little on-going soap opera and wish you would just break up already, but you are sooooo in love.

3. I’m Not Slutty, I’m Confident Girl: You are an independent woman, or so you keep saying. There is an endless parade of gentlemen callers streaming in and out of your bedroom each weekend. You make sure that every outfit you wear showcases your cleavage, you get blackout drunk and bring strangers home, but it’s only because you love sex, and what’s wrong with a lady enjoying sex? You call yourself a feminist even though the notion of actually respecting yourself and body has never occurred to you. Past roommates have considered installing a toll booth not unlike the ones at the entrance of the subway to help offset the costs of buying gallons bleach and Lysol to clean the bathroom because they’d prefer not to contract STDS from you and your assorted Romeos after you’ve used the toilet.

4. Irresponsible, Activist Hippie: There is no sense of urgency in anything you do, from showering to paying your bills. You stock the fridge with soymilk and tofu, leave socialist propaganda on the coffee table, and lecture anyone who eats meat about the atrocities committed by the cattle industry. When you are drunk, all of this goes out the window and you order a gigantic cheeseburger with bacon from the diner and then cry all day when you wake up and realize what you’ve done. You tell people who would like you to be on time for work or pay your bills before they’re past due to “relax.”

Ideally, I would like to live with someone who will take out the garbage occasionally, will enjoy passing conversations with me about how much we hate everyone/everything, pay the rent on time, and has a job that requires them either to go to bed at a normal time, or at least make them retreat into their respective room for some quiet activities that will not disturb me.

In short, I’m looking to live with a very polite, courteous mute person. Although, I’m sure that my past roommates would have a less than wonderful description to give of me:

Obnoxious Narcissist: Everything that happens to you is the most important thing in the world and you need everyone around you to stop what they’re doing and listen if you need to talk. You will clean your dishes and take out the garbage, but you will never even think about doing maintenance cleaning, such as dusting, or sweeping, or cleaning the bathtub. You will make a suggestion about what we should do about anything from dinner to painting a room and say that you don’t have a preference, but really, you have a definite preference, and will do anything in your power to make sure that your preference is the one that is ultimately chosen.

I am so fucked.

Comments

[neighbor]

Take out the "10 min walk to subway" that sounds longer than it really is, esp. when considering the shitfaced seventh avenue pre-dawn march

Overall, I've had good roommates from Craig's List. And the stories of the ones who didn't make the cut are just as fun.

[claire]

how much is the rent?

[cash]

What if you happen to (know) a gay man who needs an place?

[Nick]

ditto Claire - I know plenty of folks who are looking, but what's the rent?

[Mernneell]

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