NYC's Most Annoying Pedestrians: A Call To Action

Photo via Picasa user Wiktor WojtasRecently, the Village Voice Blog featured the 15 worst kinds of pedestrians in New York City. Some of their picks are totally obvious ("The Creeper," "The Abrupt, Indiscriminating Stop-and-Gawker").  Others are incomprehensible.  ("The Singer?"  Really?  People walk around the city and sing? When did that start happening?). And yet, they left off the most egregious type of pedestrian of all: The dude who thinks it's appropriate to carry a golf umbrella on an urban sidewalk. 

I'm pretty sure that there is a special circle in hell reserved for people who carry huge umbrellas on a crowded city sidewalk. In fact, I think it's a circle where offenders are forced to lie in stinking slush for all eternity. But knowing that the golf umbrella turds will meet their just punishment in the afterlife doesn't do anything to fix the problem for those of us who have to share the sidewalks with these assholes in the here and now.  And with all of the rain we're having these days, we need an immediate plan of action. 

So, here's what we're going to do, everybody:

You will be on the sidewalk with your reasonably-sized umbrella that you bought at Duane Reade.  Your umbrella is so unobtrusive that it doesn't even cover both of your shoulders, because you are a GOOD PERSON who knows how to walk on the goddamned streets of New York City like a civilized human being.  When you pass someone on the sidewalk who has a giant golf umbrella, you'll just give the handle of your umbrella a quick twist.  The centrifugal force of that little spin will cause any water that's accumulated on top of your umbrella to splash anyone you might be passing-- hopefully in the face. So, even though they've got an enormous umbrella, they still get wet!

Or, you could just punch them in the nose.

UPDATE: @thisisjendoll kindly pointed out that the Village Voice DID run this handy guide on how to use an umbrella in NYC after this week's armageddon rainfall. Read it, read it again, and then read it again some more.