Hey, Nerd! You Alright : Park Slope Pick-Up Lines

A few nights ago I joined my friend Courtney for a walk to get some frozen yogurt. While walking home, we passed a man standing on the sidewalk outside of a restaurant. He was smoking a cigarette and called out as we passed by.

"Those glasses don't fool me, nerd!" he catcalled. "You and I both know that you're beautiful underneath them!" 

Since I was the only bespeckled one between us, I knew he was not offering this sage advice to Courtney.

"Thanks," I called back. "But I don't actually think that my glasses make me less attractive."

The man crushed the cigarette on his shoe, but said nothing more.

"Hey nerd!" Courtney yelled after we'd turned the corner, imitating the man's gruff cadence. "You alright!" 

We laughed the whole way home.

But later, as I replayed the moment over and over, I realized that I'd never been catcalled in such a way before. There were a lot of layers in this man's carefully chosen sentiment. He wasn't just telling me I had a fine ass or sweet tits. Anyone can come up with unoriginal material like that. He was actually recommending how I might look HOTTER. Lose the glasses and the men will come running to you, he was saying. This meaningful advice was offered FREE OF CHARGE. And on top of that, he offered a compliment by inferring that I was as smart as him. "You and I BOTH know that you're beautiful underneath them."

Well, sir. Your good deed has not gone unnoticed. I'd like to return the selfless favor in the manner of "eye for an eye." The next time I pass you walking down 6th avenue I shall offer the same, precisely chosen catcall that can hopefully help you to become a more attractive individual as well:

"Those pit stains don't fool me, man who smells of feet." I'll purr. "You and I both know that you're only slightly repulsive underneath that wiry unibrow and face spattered with asymmetrical moles. We both know that you're tolerable past the yellow teeth, receding hairline, and tacky silk shirt soaked with the aforementioned pit stains. 

Man with the hideous pinky rink whose fly was down the night we met --- you alright."

FiPS readers: What's the lamest pick-up line you've ever heard?