'No Erotic Meaning Is Implied'

So recently I've embarked on this mission to make my fat ass, well, less fat.

Thus far this has mostly involved me bitching, moaning, and complaining while Ben from Priority Fitness makes me run around and do all sorts of shit that I swear I can't do. I've lost 10 pounds so far, so guess it's working.

One of my weekly assignments is to do cardio 3 times a week. And so, lo and behold, I've joined a gym. S Club to be specific, on Union and 7th Ave.

Here's why I love this joint:

• it's so unbelievably expensive, practically no one can afford to be a member, so it's never crowded.
• it's located approximately one block from my apt.

We got a tour when we joined...and a free massage (which was AMAZEBALLS, by the way), and even an offer of a free training session. But while this gym is happy to hold my hand through all sorts of fitness related journeys, apparently they don't want me fucking anyone in their sauna.

Behold the pic above, which is posted right outside the sauna's entrance. Here is the text (which I'm happy to translate for all y'all):

There is no one right way to take a sauna.

REALLY? I thought the right way to take a sauna was to sit there, STFU, and don't stare too hard at anyone's tits?

Above all, you should be in good company, so that you can enjoy the experience in peace.

Ok, fair point. But maybe if you stayed more on top of not letting any losers join the gym, this wouldn't be an ish?

One usually goes into the sauna naked, but you can wear a bathing suit or a towel if you feel more comfortable.

Or if you're a total prude.

NO EROTIC MEANING IS IMPLIED

Just because you're naked, and in our sauna, and gettin all hot-n-bothered, don't pull any lez shit in there, cause then we'll have to send in some chick from the front desk, or the girl who washes down the exercise machines after you sweat all over em, and trust us when we say that will be ALL KINDS of awkward.

Any questions?