Mo Problems, Mo Problems [Puffy-n-Biggie at the Meatup?]

Behold: our brand spankin' new advice column from my favorite dead rap superstar and yours, (Not) Notorious Big.

BOOM! [you're welcome]

Each week, coupla weeks, whenever the fuck he feels like it, Twitter Biggie is gonna answer your most burning questions about life, love and the pursuit of big booty bitches. If you've got mo problems, Biggie's got mo money answers.

In honor of Valentine's Day, we had Big Poppa tackle all of your burning questions about sex-n-dating.

Check it:

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Dear Big Poppa:
How do I know if I'm really in love? I like this girl I've been seeing, but I'm not sure she's the one?

Confused

yo, you gotta ask the three questions: do she help bag up your nickels? when she catch you fuckin around, do she beat a bitches ass? and the most important: how good do she look? do she looks so good you gonna suck on her daddy's dick? in my experience, you gonna need 2 out of 3. otherwise, get up in them draws and get the fuck out. 

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Biggie,

What's your secret? You've always got chicks all up in your jock and shit, and let's be real: you could afford to lose a pound or two. What's with you being such a ladies magnet?
J.

yo, to be honest, i dont know. i mean, honeys *do* call me "bigga the condom filler" or whatever. Poppa gifted in the bedroom, but at the end of the day, i guess the honeys just want a good man. somebody they can talk to about they hopes and dreams, and pick out wallpaper and shit.

nah, i'm just playin! all you hos know i can hit you with the dick & make your kidneys shift.

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Christopher,

I have no clue what to get my boyfriend for Valentine's day. He's kind of an emo dude and sometimes plays the guitar (eventhough he's not really that good). Any suggestions?
Lola P.

oh HELL no. you fuckin with mario winans? yo, that dude gonna keep you up till 5 in the morning, cryin bout his career, sleep on your couch, and THEN he gonna eat all your gotdamn corn pops. get that crabby ass motherfucker a private shuttle to laguardia. and tell him i want my 50 bucks.
 

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Hey Biggie,
What do you think of this whole Meatup singles event thing next week? I mean, will I actually be able to meet any chicks there? Are you gonna come, cause you would be a killer wingman.
M.

first of all you got my girl E, she the finest honey up in the spot. and you KNOW she rollin with some bitches with ass like TADOW. me & puffy thinkin bout comin through, he got a pedicure that night but we gonna try.

 

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Big Poppa,
What do you wear to bed? Are you into pajamas?
Rebe

faye got me these fly gucci silk pajamas, but they aint fittin that good lately, mad tight. i guess they got shrunk in the laundry or whatever. she probably gonna end up cuttin em up or throwin em out the window with the rest of my shit, so i guess it dont really matter.

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Big,
how do I find a girl who's into the freaky shit...like in the bedroom?
P.P.

yo, i dont know, i aint never looked. church maybe?

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Biggie,
Do I seriously have to get this girl I've been dating flowers for Valentine's Day? We've been together for 3 mos and I think she expects it now. I think its retarded...
Sheldon

what the fuck is wrong with you? flowers = dropped panties. you aint gotta hold nobodys hand or nothin, shit. get that ass to the bodega, they got them 5 dollar jammies.

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@NotNotoriousBIG,
What are you getting Faye for v-day? How bout Lil Kim?
Jus wonderin

thinkin bout gettin faye this leather jumpsuit she been checkin for, probably flowers, moet, chocolate. tiff left me a valentines day list sayin she wants a ring from Jacob and a trip to japan, so ill probably get tickets for that. kim's my artist, not my girl. she can get her own damn chocolate.

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Puffy-n-Biggie at the Meatup?! Daym, you heard it here first.

Yo, so Twitter Biggie knows what the fuck he's talking about, ppl. If you gotta question, send it to effedinparkslope[at]gmail.com, and I'll pass it along. Also, follow his ass on Twitter (@NotNotoriousBIG) for non-stop hilarity.