HOW TO USE YOUR CHILD FOR FREE METROCARDS!

via New York Newsday

So. Apparently, Mayor Bloomberg gave a radio address where he went all postal on the union that represents school bus drivers.  And by "postal," I mean "passive-aggressive." He asserted that the union is making demands that the city can't, legally, meet. And then he warned that they may strike over these so-called illegal demands that can't be met.

This makes total sense. Unions are stronger than they've ever been, these days.  All it takes is for a union to make an illegal demand, and then Mayor Bloomberg (who has only managed to get what little money he has by virtue of kow-towing to unions right-and-left), well, Our Dear Mayor has his hands tied!  Poor thing.  This is probably why we don't have that express train on the F line that he promised us last time he was up for election. Because of unions!

Now, this may or may not affect parents in The Slope. I don't have kids (and I don't particularly care for yours), so I don't know whether your snot-nosed brats ride the bus to school or not.  Maybe it only affects the parents of kids who are disabled?  Or kids who live on Staten Island?  (Yes, I know the difference, asshole.)  If that's it, then the impatient people who normally line up behind the bus and honk because your kid in a wheelchair needs an education are going to be thrilled if this strike ever happens!  Thrilled!

But what about you?  The speed demons on your block will be happy, but what will you, oh poor, sad parent, DO in the face of not having someone with a GED or its equivalent drive your kid to school? Well, here are your options, as I see them.

1. The strike (if it even happens) won't last forever. And in the meantime, Bloomberg is promising you free MetroCards for your kids!  If your kid is in Kindergarten to 2nd Grade, you can get an extra MetroCard so that you can actually accompany your child to school!  If you're kid is in 3rd grade, though?  S/he'll have to take the subway alone. That's right. Mayor Bloomberg expects eight-year-olds to ride the subways and busses without their parents. What could possibly go wrong?

2. Start home-schooling. Sure, it might seem like a bad idea, seeing as how you don't live in Kansas. But you don't have to be a religious nut to prevent your child from developing social skills with his or her peer group! Give it a shot!

3. Sell your child to someone else. Now that gay marriage is legal in New York, there are probably lots of well-heeled gay and lesbian couples who would be more than happy to buy your child, and when you mention the free MetroCards (see point #1) you can probably off-load your kid in no-time flat. Assumings/he's relatively cute, that is.  

4. Take your kid to work and give him or her a real lesson in life. I used to work with this woman who treated every school holiday as "Take Your Barely-Presentable Child to Work Day." And she never got fired. (Not for that.) So, find a spare office and some post-its and bic pens and let your kid entertain himself.

5. Pedi-cabs would be great in Park Slope. Every time I'm coming out of a Broadway show, and I'm fighting some old lady with a cane for a cab, and a smiling rail-thin lightly-bearded pedi-cab driver rings his little pedi-cab bell and asks if I want a ride, I say, "YES!" And he pulls over, and I get in, and then then when he finds out I'm going to Brooklyn, he refuses to pedal over the bridge. So, just in case you've never tried this, it turns out that pedi-cabs don't have to abide by the same laws as yellow cabs.  My point is that if we only had pedi-cabs in Brooklyn, your kids could go to school in a chariot driven by a guy with a full sleeve of tattoos and a serious affinity for body odor.

Okay, truth be told, since I don't have kids, I don't really care what you do with yours if the bus drivers go on strike. Just keep them off of my front steps.