Hey, Park Slope Parents: Bebes LURVE Satan

Park Slope Metalheads rejoice! This past Friday, Black Sabbath, the veritable fathers of heavy metal, announced that the original line-up is reuniting for their first tour in almost 15 years, which will be accompanied by their first album in 33 years --- an album to be helmed by super-producer Rick Rubin. Given that Ozzy Osbourne's ability to stand, let alone survive a world tour is questionable at best, it could either be the rockinist shit ever or an absolute train wreck.

Regardless of the eventual outcome, I was SUPER PSYCHED about the announcement. On Friday night I was at a friend's house & in charge of the music, and decided I was in the mood for a lil' Sabbath. Since "War Pigs" is my jam, I started up Spotify & searched for it. To my surprise, I couldn't find a straight-up version of the song. There was a "basement tape" version, a live version, an Ozzy-only version and the badass Faith No More cover. Black Sabbath's Paranoid, which leads off with "War Pigs," was curiously absent.

That wasn't all I found though. I also came across an album with a version of "War Pigs" that’s PURE GOLD for metal-loving breeders -- Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Black Sabbath.

That's right. If you're the owner of a cranky-ass Park Slope bebe who won't fall asleep or has night terrors or some shit, torch that useless sheep mobile you've got hanging above the crib & pop on a candy cane-sweet version of "Children of the Grave." Before you know it, your spawn will be off in dreamland.

If Black Sabbath's a little too satanic for you, that's okay. Fret not. It turns out that the Rockabye Baby! folks have taken dozens of artists, from Nine Inch Nails to The Cure to The Flaming Lips, and crapped their songs up with xylophones & flutes & bird chirps & junk like that. As a certified baller, I think the Rockabye Baby! concept is absolute blasphemous nonsense, but you Park Slope breeders can easily fulfill that longing for your former life by playing some wussed-up AC/DC for your progeny.

There you have it, breeders. My random discovery is your reward. In the words of the great Amanda: YEAH YOU'RE WELCOME.

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.