Hands Up if You've Ever Had Dirty Nasty Freaky Monkey Sex Behind the 5th Avenue Key Food!

Photo via Flickr User threecee

People.  People.  PEOPLE!

It has come to our attention that certain denizens of Park Slope have been shooting up and having sex on a dirty mattress behind the Key Food on 5th Avenue.  And, to add insult to injury, certain other denizens of our neighborhood have started to blog about the fact that you're on their block shooting up a bad bundle of antifreeze and turning tricks to pay for it.

Really, Park Slope?  Really?!?  Do you think that we have time to write FiPS posts about your sloppy drug and dirty sex habits?  We do not.  We're busy trying to save the world from people like you, if you must know.

In case you're not one of the nasty freaks shooting eight balls behind the grocery store, let me 'splain what's going down.  Gregory Place is that dead-end street behind the 5th Avenue Key Food, and while it's always had a reputation for a great place to spark up a doobie and get laced, the people on that block have started to notice that the sitchy-ay-shun has turned south in a big way.  Addicts are shooting up, people are making secksie time, and there are used condoms everywhere.

Also, people have been dumping their garbage and recycling there.

Here's the thing, though.  No matter how much Park Slope pretends to be above all of this, we still live in New York City.  Many of us moved here precisely because we knew that getting seriously fucked up and having sex in a dirty alley was more possible here than anywhere else in the United States.  New York is a beautiful, magical, horrible, awful, frothy, pink, moist, sweaty, disgusting, dangerous, awesome place, and if you live on Gregory Place, you should count your blessings because you've got a full-service grocery store right across the street.

So: anyone here wanna 'fess up to hitting it and quitting it behind the grocery store?