GOODBYE WORLD: Get A Jump On Your Weekend Rapture Schedule

Here at FIPS we've obviously been a little obsessed with this rapture bullshit and it's hard not to be with these mofos walking around the hood with signs on their shoulders. On Monday afternoon my crusty friend Dot called me and said she saw 3 trucks on 3rd Ave heralding the end of the world...and then, of course, she instantly wondered what that would mean for property values in the North Slope.

Needless to say my interest was piqued. Since I'm the kinda guy who needs the deets I did a little sniffing around to see exactly what the schedule looked like for this rapture jobbie. And it's jam packed!

Now for a little front matter... I'm working off of the assumption that I am NOT going to be chosen to go with Jesus. Here are just a few reasons why:

1) I write for this blog.

2) I'm a deist with Buddhist tendencies.

3) Every time I think of Jesus, I think of Jeff Bridges (which could be blasphemy/false idolatry).

4) I talk shit about everyone (which I believe is thoroughly unchristian right?).

5) I don't think this thing is really going to happen.

But still, like the Royal Wedding--which I had no intentions of partaking but still wanted to know the broadcast timeline just in case--(I ended up watching it from start to finish), I like to be informed. And now you will be too.

Here it is:

YOUR OWN FIPS GUIDE TO THE RAPTURE: Saturday, May 21, 2011

FIRST COMMON MISCONCEPTION: This Saturday is NOT the end of the world. It is merely Judgement Day (hipsters will love this). Meaning that Jesus will come down and sift out all the well-dressed men from the poser boys. The rest of us will be left to fend for ourselves until October 21, 2011 when the entire world will be destroyed by fire.

Here's the scientific proof of why this makes perfect sense (provided by ebiblefellowships.com):

11,013 BC—Creation. God created the world and man (Adam and Eve).

4990 BC—The flood of Noah’s day. All perished in a worldwide flood. Only Noah, his wife, and his 3 sons and their wives survived in the ark (6023 years from creation).

7 BC—The year Jesus Christ was born (11,006 years from creation).

33 AD—The year Jesus Christ was crucified and the church age began (11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).

1988 AD—This year ended the church age and began the great tribulation period of 23 years (13,000 years from creation).

1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the great tribulation came to an end and the latter rain began, commencing God’s plan to save a great multitude of people outside of the churches (13,006 years from creation).

2011 AD—On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the rapture (the taking up into heaven of God’s elect people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation. On October 21st, the world will be destroyed by fire (7000 years from the flood; 13,023 years from creation).

I'm not too sure of their police work there. Perhaps you're thinking to yourself, "But what about the shift to the Gregorian calendar? In Medieval times wasn't the new year in March or some bullshit?" Or "Hey my life has been pretty rad since 1988, I don't get it." Or more obvious, "The world is 13,023 years old? That's much older than I had previously thought."   

No worries, ebiblefellowships.com has an answer for that as well and it should serve to shut you all the hell up:

"The Lord has opened up His people’s understanding to the “Biblical calendar” found on the pages of the Bible. The genealogies of the book of Genesis, primarily in chapters 5 and 11, can be shown to be a precise calendar of the history of mankind in this world. The Bible’s calendar of history is completely accurate and trustworthy."

So I guess I've been told where it's at. Worried about what to do with your pets once Jesus adds you to the A list? Again, not a problem: Check this shit out. It's pure genius!

Little nuggets from the eternal pets' FAQ page:

Q: Is this a Joke?
A:  No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

Q: Do YOU believe in the Rapture?
A: As atheists we do not hold beliefs in the supernatural or a divine being.  Thus, we do not believe in the Rapture.  However, we respect the beliefs of others and are open to the possibility that our perspective could possibly be wrong.

Q: What if one of my family members are left behind. Will you still take posession of my pet?
A: That depends. When the rescuer arrives, if your loved one wants to retain possesion of the pet, the pet stays in the home. We expect in these circumstances that the pet will offer the family member some comfort and stability given the trauma of what has occurred.  If the family member prefers, we will adopt the pet per our contract.   

And according to ABC news they've had 258 accounts so far. Unfortunately their services do not extend to Park Slope but you still have time to bring your pets to Connecticut which is their closest service area. Get crackin'? 

See y'all on the flipside.