Fit and Still Fucked: Brooklyn Half Marathon, the Asshole Parade

It's almost Brooklyn Half Marathon Time, and I'm going to pop a big hole in that balloon and say The New York Road Runners should keep their fucking mega races of 5000 mostly snotty Upper East Siders to Central Park where they belong. The Alliance can barely keep Prospect Park from going to shit without the additional mess caused by dudes pissing in the bushes and hundreds of energy gels getting tossed in the first 3 miles by fatties who can't hold out to the finish to claim their enormous bagels. I'm still stepping on that shit a year later.
 
Don't get me wrong, I think the park should be used for local races put up by clubs like Prospect Park Track Club and Brooklyn Road Runners, races that don't require that you wear body armor to fight off the swarms of assholes out to set a blistering 10 minute mile. But the white-people running corporation that is New York Road Runners, with their entry fees up to 50 bucks, their seething corrals of the eating-disordered at front at the over indulged at the back is just a sneakered parade of gentrification and privileged leisure. "Well, I don't have to be at the cafe do work on my sitcom for another hour so I may as well impress my facebook friends with a photo of me in a half marathon."
 
After all this bitterness, if you do choose to support the New York Road Runners and have already entered the (of course, sold out in 48 hours) Brooklyn half marathon, here are some Dos and Donts.
 

• DO wear your Vibrams Five Fingers. If you don't have a pair or don't know what they are, you're fucking ignorant and are not up on the latest barefoot running phase. If you don't have a shitload of money to get them, run the whole fucking race barefoot.

• DON'T run while black or hispanic, unless you're Mexican or Ethiopian in which case you're going to fucking win the whole thing anyway. They'll check your bib and request I.D.

•  DO bring an Ipod so you can piss me off by not knowing where the fuck you're going.

•  DO bring your Garmin to see how fucking slow you're running, and that the distance is exactly what they said it would be.

• DO bring a cell phone so you can take pictures and text while you're running. You won't be moving for the first 5 miles anyway.

• DON'T pump your fists at the finish. You've got to take the Q train home to your UES apartment in time for yoga.