FIPS Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Oh fuck, it's almost Valentine's Day and you have no idea what you're supposed to get for the love of your life.  Newsflash: you're pathetic.  Don't you think you should know what to buy the person you spend all of your free time with?  This is the person who sees you naked and holds you when you cry when you're drunk like a little baby, for Christ's sake.  

FINE.  You're not alone.  None of us know what to get our significant others, either.  So, we've put together three choose-your-own adventure gift guides, featuring items you can pick up in the neighborhood (you know, on your way home from work on February 14).   

The easiest way to romance anyone is to cook them dinner, so break out of your rotation of ordering JPan four times a week and make an effort for Valentine's Day.

1. Stop by Valley Shepard (211 7th Ave between 3rd and 4th Sts, 347-889-5508) and pick up a few cheeses and a baguette.  You can barely shower regularly, so your girlfriend will pass out when she sees you assembling a cheese plate.

2. Take it from Lady & the Tramp—Italian food is ROMANTIC.  But don't attempt to make your own pasta or make your own sauce.  Valentine's Day is a week day, and the last thing either of you wants to do is wait until 10pm to eat because you tried to get fancy.  Instead, pick up some fresh pasta and sauce from Russo's (363 7th Ave between 10th and 11th Sts, 718-369-2874).  

3. Pick up wine from Big Nose, Full Body (382 7th Ave at 12th St, 718-369-4030).  On Valentine's Day, they'll be open until 9pm, so when you're running around frantically trying to save the evening because you "forgot," you'll still be able to get booze.

SEX!  Even if you have the world's worst sex life, you usually have to muster up the energy for sexytime on Valentine's Day.  This time, rather than doing what you normally do (which is drink a bottle of tequila, turn the lights off, strip naked, and lie on the bed), try to romance it up a bit.

1. Pick up some Rhode Island Bath Salts from A Sterling Place (352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800) and draw a bath.  Women LOVE baths and she is sure to be surprised that you're spending your time drawing a bath rather than playing Wii.  

2.  No matter how ugly you are, it is undeniable that you look great in candlelight (you look even BETTER in the dark).  It makes you more attractive and it sets the m-o-o-d.  Buy a couple of decorative candles from Goldy & Mac (219 5th Ave between President and Union Sts, 718-230-5603) and you'll be in like flynn.  

3.  If you've ever sat through one of those ridiculous Lindt Chocolatier commercials, you would know that chocolate is SEXY.  Get some fancy chocolate from Blue Apron Foods (814 Union St at 7th Ave, 718-230-3180) and feed it to each other for approximately 30 seconds before you get serious, break the bar in half and stuff your own faces. 

Of course, the easy, cheap way to do this exact plan is to pick up some tealights, a couple of Hershey's bars, and a bottle of Epsom Salts at Rite Aid.  Good luck out there.  

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, BEYONCE!  Being single isn't so bad—you don't have to worry about anyone's feelings and you don't have to buy anyone presents.  You can go out with your friends and get as drunk and stupid as you want and wake up the next morning, unafraid to look at the text messages in your phone that you sent to your significant other, which inevitably caused an argument.   

1. First, pick up a bottle of Whiskey from Prospect Wine Shop (322 7th Ave between 8th and 9th Sts, 718-768-1232).  An occasion such as this calls for hard liquor, right?  Drink it down!  You are young and wild and free, like that Bryan Adams song.  

2. The, stop by Lumiere (238 7th Ave at 4th St, 718-369-1082) and pick up a flask.  A flask is how economical you can get shitfaced in bars without spending money—buy yourself glasses of mixers and add the liquor while standing in a bathroom stall. Girl, you so classy.  I don't know WHY you're not married yet. 

3. So, now you're good and drunk and in the mood for love.  You're not about to troll Craigslist for a quickie because you don't want to get murdered and end up as an ironic Valentine's Day headline in the Post.  Pick up some toys from Babeland (462 Bergen St between Flatbush and 5th Aves, 718-638-3820) and your night will probably be better than the last Valentine's Day you had with that jerk ex-boyfriend of yours. 

Happy Valentine's Day, jerks.  Hope you get lucky.  

For more gift suggestions for Valentine's Day, visit You're Welcome.