FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 5: DORKS

Every day for the next week, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for those lovable dorks that you can't get out of their Superman t-shirts.

It used to be that dorks were the lowest common denominator.  Steve Urkel had to event this elaborate machine to transform himself into the smooth-talking Stephan Urkelle, just so that snooty bitch Laura would give him a shot.  But something has shifted—mega-nerd Mark Zuckerberg is Time's Person of the Year.  Our hero worship of bazillionaire genius nerd Steve Jobs has gone off the charts (you paid more attention when he died than when your own grandmother did).  Tina Fey still pretends she's the dork she was in high school even though she's a rich, powerful, and HI-LARIOUS multiple Emmy-award winner.  Who run the world?  Dorks. 

That's why this particular Dork is still clinging to his Steve Urkel ways.  He hangs onto his comic books and is constantly glued to his computer, coding some super-secret future revolutionary program that he hopes will transform him into Stephan Urkelle (with the bank account of Mark Zuckerberg). 

1. Chillbots Ice Cube Tray ($9.59, Tarzian West, 194 7th Ave at 2nd St, 718-788-4213): If we're talking about dorks in terms of old stereotypes, they are required to like comic books, pocket protectors, and robots.  Most of the dorks I know like Glee and the History Channel.  This dork is somewhere in the middle.  He likes cheesy movies and TV shows, wears cardigans, listens to NPR, and holds onto the action figures he had when he was a kid (which is why he hasn't gotten a promotion at work—who wants to put someone who plays with a wind-up robot when he's on a conference calls in charge of the department?).  That's why he'll love this Chillbots Ice Cube Tray, where he can create robot-shaped ice cubes to put in his mixed drinks.  Oh, who are we kidding?  He'll put them in his glass of Orange Fanta that he drinks out of a plastic cup with Superman on it.        

2. Typewriter Thermos ($32, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): A lot of dorks are writers because rather than having to get up and move their limbs and interact with people, they just have to sit behind a keyboard and be judgmental.  Think about some famous writers:  Stephen King, Truman Capote, Edgar Allen Poe, Noam Chomsky.  All writers.  All DORKS.  None of those guys ever would have gotten laid if they hadn't written books.  In fact, the only author in history that wasn't a dork was probably Ernest Hemingway, who arm wrestled with lions in his spare time before he shot himself.  This Typewriter Thermos will help this dork writer feel like an old-timey writer, which is all he ever really wanted.  Follow it up with a fedora with a press card in it and he'll be guaranteed to get the scoop.           

3. Get on Board Recycled Motherboard Pen ($4.99, Little Things, 145 7th Ave between Garfield Pl and Carroll St, 718-783-4733): Back in the day, only nerds were into computers.  Now, we're all tech-obsessed, and the ones who got in on the ground floor (ie: Bill Gates) are millionaires.  People like you who ran high school track and made fun of the pale, vaguely anemic Bill Gateses of the world now just pay hundreds of dollars for gadgets you don't really understand.  Life's a bitch, isn't it?  What better gift for a computer obsessive (or, for Nick, your company's computer guy) than this pen made out of recycled motherboard?  It says, "Sure, you've seen the inside of a computer, but I've seen the inside of a WOMAN."  ZINGGGGG.    

4. Pewter Ray-Gun ($175, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): If we take a minute to delve into the psychoanalysis of why dorks like comic books so much, it could be attributed to the fact that most superheroes were ordinary losers, but all of a sudden, they had this amazing superpower that made them special and unique.  "Call me a loser all you want Joe Carminera," your dorky friend would say.  "I'm gonna crush you with my bare hands like The Hulk."  It's solid logic, people.  Same thing with futuristic gadgets—they want to believe that they have access to things that other people don't, especially if they're things that can smite their enemies.  This Pewter Ray-Gun will serve as a testament to those creepy little fantasies this dork had in his childhood bedroom.   

5. Empire State Building Lego Architecture Set ($29.95, A Sterling Place, 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): Puzzles and model sets aren't just for old people biding their time before they finally die.  They're also for dorks, too.  While you're partying away your Friday night, he's sitting at home, reading his copy of Wired or watching that Pixar documentary.  Give him something to wile away the hours, like this Empire State Building Lego Architecture Set.  Once he's done, maybe you can lure him out for a Diet Pepsi on Saturday night.  

6. A Bunch of Nerd Crap (Prices vary, Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., 372 5th Ave between 4th Sts and 5th Sts, 718-499-9884): If you're like me, you walk into the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. and you're instantly confused.  Why would a store exist only to sell imaginary things?  Nerds understand.  You can pick up a gallon of "Immortality" or a bottle of "Anti-Gravity" for him and he'll think it's the most hilarious, clever thing in the world.  Remember, much like hoarders and magpies, nerds love shiny, impractical junk. 

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.