FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 4: FOODIES

Every day for the next two weeks, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for those Food Network-loving, self-righteous menu item-ordering foodies.

You know the type.  While she whips up picture-perfect souffles and roasted Cornish game hens, you're standing slack-jawed in front of your stove, crumbling under the pressure of having to make a box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese.  Regardless of your jealousy, you never miss one of her dinner parties, and you can always depend on her for the best restaurant recommendations.  She's a foodie through and through, and lucky for her, you live in one of the best neighborhoods for foodie acoutrement shopping.  Let the gluttony begin!   

1. Oh Snap! Mousetrap Cheese Slicer ($22.95, Loom, 115 7th Ave between Garfield and President Sts, 718- 789-0061): As any self-respecting foodie knows, a great meal always starts with a good cheese plate.  You were totally fine with your white trash Pepperjack and cheddar variations until she introduced you to Whole Milk Goat Brie and Marieke Gouda.  Your taste buds exploded like that scene in Ratatouille.  Don't worry—she'll make sure that her cheese trays are delicious, but you can help her ensure that they're HILARIOUS with this Oh Snap! Mousetrap Cheese Slicer.  What better way to start a delicious meal than to call to mind the gross mice that are crawling all over your kitchen counters when you're at work?       

2. Russo’s Fresh Raviolis ($7.99, 363 7th Ave between 10th and 11th Sts, 718-369-2874): So, your foodie friend invites you over for "spaghetti."  What you're expecting is the type of spaghetti you would make: dry pasta, Prego jar sauce, Kraft Parmesan cheese (no shame in that; that's what lazy moms have been serving to their kids for decades).  What you get is something a little more elaborate.  And when I say "a little more elaborate," I mean INCREDIBLY elaborate.  She's serving fresh pasta she bought at a specialty market, homemade sauce, freshly grated cheese, and warm garlic bread.  "This is how women get husbands," you think to yourself, before you admonish yourself for thinking in with such an antiquated mentality.  "You've been watching too much Mad Men on Netflix, young lady," you'll continue.  HELLO, STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF, CRAZY.  Let her know you understand her appreciation for food by picking up a bunch of fresh ravioli's from Russo's.  They come in a ton of different varieties (spinach, pumpkin, portobello mushroom, etc), and here's the main plus: if you buy these for her, she's almost required to invite you over to eat them.  You win.

3. Whole Beast Butchery ($40, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): You're afraid of raw skinless, boneless chicken breasts, but she's comfortable dismembering whole ducks or rabbits.  She does it so well that you wonder if she's actually a serial killer.  "Hold up, Dexter," you say.  "Why don't you just let the butcher do his goddamned job?"  Calm down.  She's [probably] not a serial killer.  This foodie is interested in it all: eating, cooking, and now butchering.  Whole Beast Butchery is the ultimate guide on the subject, and gifting it to her says, "Hey, why don't you do us all a favor and make sure you keep your butchering exclusively with animals?"     

4. Bandit Wine Box ($5.99, Big Nose, Full Body, 382 7th Ave between 11th and 12th Sts, 718-369-4030): There's nothing that foodies love more than taking their love for food "on the road."  Around summertime, she's grilling up marinated kabobs and fresh oysters in the great outdoors, or packing a ridiculously tricked out picnic lunch.  Do her a big favor and introduce her to the Bandit Wine Box, which is essentially a grown-up juice box filled with delicious wine.  The big draw is that there's no heavy glass bottle to cart around and no corkscrew to forget at home.  Her picnics just got a whole lot better (or, boozier, at least).  She'll thank you later, via a rambling drunk dial.       

5. Saucy by Nature Jams ($5.99, Valley Shepherd Creamery, 211 7th Ave between 3rd and 2nd Sts, 347-889-5508): Let me say this: when I'm busting on foodies, I'm basically busting on myself.  I'm that dbag.  I told my girlfriend that I was going to make a "spicy aioli" when in reality, I added cayenne pepper to mayonnaise.  Foodies love sauces.  Why eat something plain when you can add something extra delicious with a hint of self-righteousness?  These Saucy by Nature Jams are incredible, cheap, and they have a clever name.  They come in various flavors, like Spicy Pumpkin Ginger and Tomato Apple Chutney, and you can buy them at the newly-opened Valley Shepherd Creamery, which is a certified foodie's playground anyway.

6. Grow Bottle ($34.95, Lumiere, 238 7th Ave between 3rd and 4th Sts, 718-369-1082): You sit down to eat at this foodie's table, and you say, "Is that fresh basil in here?"  OF COURSE IT IS, STUPID.  She wouldn't DREAM of using anything other than fresh herbs.  They just give a better flavor, you know?  Then, she'll show you her fire escape herb garden and give you a horrified look when you tell her you buy that pre-minced garlic that comes in a jar.  Hook her up with this Grow Bottle that allows her to grow fresh herbs right on her kitchen's windowsill.  Isn't that quaint?     

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.