FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 3: BALLERS

Every day for the next two weeks, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for the Ballers who act like scary adult-children; spending their money on whatever they want, being responsible to no one.  What a bunch of jerks they are.  

This Baller has little to no responsibility to anyone but himself.  If he wants to stay out until 4AM drinking grain alcohol and walk home yelling the lyrics to Vanessa Williams' "Save the Best for Last," he can do it.  If he wants to spend money on stupid shit like iPads and Wiis and $400 t-shirts, he can do it. 

The life of a Baller is an awesome one—so awesome that it is 100% certain that haters gonna hate.  His boozy, fun-loving, spontaneous life might seem amazing to someone who is tied down by a nagging wife, whiny children, and a soul-crushing mortgage payment, but if that stupid switcheroo movie The Change-Up has taught us anything, it's that a meaningless life of drinks and vacations and beautiful women isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Just kidding, it's awesome.  Don't let that fucking lucky Baller bastard know how much you hate him.  Get him these gifts instead.    

1. [ONLINE] City Map Flask ($18.95, Liquid Courage): Perhaps one of the best things about being able to be irresponsible all of the time is the fact that you also have the ability to be falling-down-drunk all of the time.  You have to stay sober because you don't want to be the guy that shows up drunk to his daughter's ballet recital, but this Baller isn't even paying attention as you prepare to leave.  He's already taking shots with the stranger next to him at the bar.  Help him keep his buzz going as he frolics from venue to venue with this City Map Flask.  Remember: when you're getting loaded, you can't waste a moment.      

2. Restaurant Gift Certificate (to any goddamned restaurant you want): "Can I get another bottle of the Pinot Noir," the Baller will say, not caring that 50% of his tab for dinner is tied up in booze.  This Baller loves to go out and "paint the town red," as your Grandmother would say, and even though he has a disposable income wholly devoted to wining and dining, he would surely appreciate you helping to take the edge off of that crazy-expensive dinner he's about to have at Stone Park Cafe or Al di La.  Why not use this gift certificate to get a third bottle of wine, Baller?  Yes, this WAS the best idea you ever had.  You're a genius.

3. Crystal Head Vodka (Price varies, Red White & Bubbly, 211 5th Ave at Union St, 718-636-9463): Sure, the main theme here has been booze, but what do you think about when you think about unbridled irresponsibility and mayhem?  That's right.  ALCOHOL.  Vodka always sounds like a good idea mainly because it's not Tequila.  WRONG.  Whatever—the reason why this vodka is packaged in a skull (which is made by Dan Aykroyd, no joke) is because you will inevitably feel like death the next morning, right Hamlet?  What makes Crystal Head Vodka the perfect gift for a Baller is a.) he loves frivolous purchases, and this vodka is much more expensive than most run-of-the-mill vodkas that are contained in mere bottles; b.) he loves boozing; and c.) he loves a chance to look badass and dangerous.  Pop quiz: you get a girl in your apartment: what's more attractive?  A crystal skull or a potted fern?  You know the answer.  He'll thank you later.  

4. Zippo Blu Lighter ($39.95, Tip Top Gifts, 436 5th Ave between 5th and 6th Aves, 718-965-4386):  Smoking is bad for you, and shouldn't you stand as a good example to all the little children in your life?  This Baller don't give a fuck.  As Natalie Portman said, "All the kids looking up to me can suck my dick."  Pick up this Zippo Blu Lighter for your Baller and let him know that you don't give a fuck about second-hand smoke or emphysema. 

5. Paul Smith Jeans Shawl Neck Cardigan ($345, Bird, 316 Fifth Ave between 2nd and 3rd Sts, 718-768-4940): No reasonable person would spend $345 on a sweater, but no one ever said a Baller was reasonable.  Diapers and private liberal arts colleges are expensive, and the fact that he has to worry about neither of those things leaves him wide open for stupid, extravagant purchases.  A whirlwind trip to Paris for the weekend?  Why not?  A diamond-encrusted toilet bowl brush?  SURE!  This Paul Smith Shawl Neck Cardigan will let him feel extra luxurious while he's drinking a million beers and watching Top Chef.           

6. [ONLINE] Dirty Word Cards ($18, Walk Up Press): Even the most liberal hippie parenting expert will agree that you probably shouldn't swear around children.  Ask my mother about the time I called the Dallas Cowboys "dickheads" when I was seven years old—we were from Buffalo, and there was an intense rivalry brought on by a little thing known as the Super Bowl—it was extra hilarious and incredibly inappropriate.  But Ballers don't give a fuck about your kids and their precious ears.  They're going to swear however the fuck much they want, and they're not going to apologize for it.  These Dirty Word Cards feature all the great swear words: "shit," "piss," "fuck," "cunt," "cocksucker," "motherfucker," etc (those are also lyrics to a Blink 182 song, which you would remember if you had immature friends like I did in high school).  Just wait until you get the "Fuck" card from this Baller when you ask him to babysit so you can go out for your anniversary dinner.     

7.  Brass Knuckles Meat Tenderizer ($9.99, Bubblez, 347 Fifth Ave between 4th and 5th Sts, 718- 369-7477): A true Baller knows all about beat downs, but maybe his ass kicking days are over.  Maybe he's matured and doesn't try to smack everyone that looks at him the wrong way from across the bar.  Maybe he's on parole and one fight could land him back in the "slammer," as Cagney & Lacy would say (FYI, I don't really know what Cagney & Lacy would say).  All of the past aggression he had pulsing through his veins didn't just go away, though.  He needs a place to channel it.  These Brass Knuckles Meat Tenderizer will allow him to punch the shit out of a strip steak, all without the consequences had he done it to someone's face.    

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.