FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 2: BREEDERS

Every day for the next two weeks, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for Breeders and their bitch-ass kids.

Breeders in Park Slope have a bad reputation, mainly because of their inability to control their annoying, scooter-riding children, choosing to parent them with a general indifference to basic manners and volume levels.  But not ALL Breeders are bad.  Your parents are Breeders, right?  Okay, maybe that's not a good example.  The point: some Breeders are totally fine and cool and always down to drink because the pressures of raising a tiny person who reminds you of yourself, contradicts everything you say, and spends all of your money would drive anyone to hard alcohol.  This year, get your Breeder friends the following gifts, along with unlimited amounts of booze.     

1. Travel First Aid Kit ($6.50, Loom, 115 7th Ave between Garfield and President Sts, 718-789-0061): Any person with a vagina can have children, so you often find yourself terrified when you hear that some dumbass you went to college with is now responsible for the safety of a child.  Here is a person that you found passed out on a toilet with all of her money scattered around the bathroom of a bar in college, and now she's a "mommy."  Moms are always expected to be prepared for every ridiculous situation their kids get themselves into, and this woman was never one to be prepared for ANYTHING (as evidenced by the fact that she got pregnant in the first place).  All of that has to change, pronto.  Pick up this handy Travel First Aid Kit so she'll at least have something at her disposal when her kid does something stupid.  It includes band aids for "boo-boos," tweezers for slivers, and a pocket knife to threaten the kid with when he's not behaving.   

2. [SPONSORED] Personalized Photgraphy Session (Starting at $400, To Be a Kid Photography) Does a Breeder love anything more than photos of their child?  Obviously not, as evidenced by the 15-minute slideshow your boss showed you when she cornered you in the elevator last week.  Get in good with this Breeder by booking a personalized photography session with To Be a Kid Photography. A 90-minute session in-home or on location will produce 48 high-res images on CD, pulled from a web gallery of 300+ images.  FIPS Holiday Deal: Mention FIPS when you set up a session and you'll receive a free 5x7 soft-bound photo book OR 15% off of a chosen photo package (if you book a session between 1/1 and 3/31).

3. Rhode Island Soapworks Bath Salts ($12, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): Remember when your mother locked herself in the bathroom for 3 hours, declaring that she was taking a bath and that no one better bother her or she's going to drown you all in the bathtub?  Even if your mother didn't have shades of Andrea Yates, Moms LOVE to take baths, not really because they love sitting in a tub of dirty water, but because it's an excuse to have quiet alone time.  Your Breeder pal will love these bath salts, mainly because each bottle contains a minimum of six baths, which means she has nearly SIX HOURS of quiet time where she can fantasize about her previous childless existence, where she slept in until noon and didn't have to use the sleeve of her sweater as a Kleenex.  

4. The Marriage Plot ($28, The Community Bookstore, 143 7th Ave between Garfield Pl and Carroll St, 718-783-3075): One time, my father asked me why the gays are fighting so hard for the right to marry.  "Why do you gays want to be as miserable as the rest of us?" he asked.  It's the classic self-denial thing.  I may not want a 14th beer, but if you tell me I can't have anything else to drink, WATCH OUT.  Whatever—marriage, it's so important!  A wedding ring says, "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and, perhaps most importantly, you're fucking stuck with me, so don't try anything stupid."  The Marriage Plot won a Pulitzer Prize, and even though I've done some research, I can't seem to figure out what the hell it's about.  HOWEVER, it has wedding rings on the cover, so I'm sure your Breeder friend will be able to relate to it.  If not, pick up a copy of Prospect Park West and call it a day.      

5. [ONLINE] Park Slope Stroller Mafia Onesie ($25, FIPS Online Store): Having full control over an infant means that you can put them in "hilarious" clothes because they can't do anything about it.  Did you really want to wear that sailor suit when you were a kid?  Probably not (unless you were a tiny gay baby).  In any event, whether they like it or not, Breeders living in Park Slope are automatically members of the Stroller Mafia.  The Stroller Mafia is just as frightening as the real mafia, in fact, perhaps it's more frightening.  Don't believe me?  If you're ever looked straight into the eyes of a mother who has been running on 4 hours of sleep for the past six months and has to fashion a ridiculous costume for the school play that her 8-year-old just told her about, you'll know what I mean.  BITCHES ARE SCARY.  Get your Breeder one of these Park Slope Stroller Mafia Onesies that will serve as an official initiation to the fold. 

6. Boogie Wipes ($4.99, Bubblez, 347 Fifth Ave between 4th and 5th Sts, 718- 369-7477): If you told a single woman that she would one day be shoving the sleeve of her moderately expensive shirt underneath a child's nose and instructing him to "blow," she'd laugh and tell you that the very idea of that is disgusting and that she will never, ever do it.  Fast-forward five years, she's got a kid, and she's in that exact same scenario.  She, like most moms, has become immune to formerly "gross" things like snot and crap.  Despite her immunity, help her make herself less of a hot mess with these Boogie Wipes, billed as—no joke—"snot your average wipe."  They're essentially wet wipes made with saline and supposedly dissolve mucus better than a regular Kleenex.  She can throw them in her purse and pull them out whenever Junior starts to sneeze.  Her sweaters (and her husband) will thank you.    

7. You Rock Mug ($12.95, Little Things, 145 7th Ave between Garfield Pl and Carroll St, 718-783-4733): Parenting is probably the most exhausting thing in the world.  Consider this: would you rather climb Mount Everest or raise three kids at the same time while still holding down a full time job and trying to maintain some semblance of a sex life with your spouse?  You are 25 and "tired" because you worked the requisite 8 hours and went out for drinks with your friends last night.  You don't know what tired is!  After 18 thankless years, all this Breeder wants is a six-month-long nap and some sort of acknowledgement that all of the sacrifices she made mattered.  This "You Rock" mug is a start. 

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.