FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 10: DOG OBSESSIVES

Every day this week, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for the dog-obssessive in your life.

Consider, for a second, the pet owner.  People who own cats are fairly indifferent to them, only because the cats could, in turn, give a fuck less about them.  But dog owners?  Watch out.  Every dog owner is at least vaguely obsessed with their dog, but this particular breed of dog owner is batshit CRAZY obssessed.  She truly considers her dog her child, dressing him up in stupid outfits and planning elaborate birthday parties for him, generally acting like a psychopath.  All Dogs Go to Heaven and Homeward Bound are her favorite movies, and she's very quick to tell you that Barry Manilow's "Mandy" is about his dog. 

You've found yourself thinking, "If I have to hear one more thing about this goddamned dog, I'm gonna choke this bitch with her Extend-A-Leash," but try to reign it in.  Ain't nothing wrong with a little puppy love, right Donny Osmond?    

1. Doggie Bath Gift Certificate (Starting at $35, Bark Slope Salon, 169 Lincoln Pl at 7th Ave, 718-246-4600): There's nothing worse than the smell of dirty dog, am I right (try to keep the sexual retorts to a minimum, please)?  While most of the things that this dog obsessive spends money on are frivolous and stupid, a dog bath at a salon isn't as ridiculous as it seems.  If you've ever tried to wash your giant dog in your tiny NYC bathroom, you understand.  The bath at Bark Slope Salon is pretty cheap and includes a bunch of ridiculous crap like the use of color-enhancing shampoos, vanilla facials, massages, nail trimming, and even ear cleaning.  If you pick up a Doggie Bath gift certificate from Bark Slope Salon, it's guaranteed that your dog obsessive friend will love you forever.

2. Dog Photo Session (Starting at $400, Brooklyn Beasts): You know how parents can't get enough photos of their kids or self-absorbed d-bags can get enough photos of themselves?  Obviously, dog obsessives can't get enough photos of their dog.  Just like every weirdo in Best in Show, they like to believe their dog is a champion, and want to give it the star treatment.  Call up Brooklyn Beasts and book a photo session.  They can be done in studio or on location, and the resulting photos are the perfect gift for someone who considers their dog the most important "person" in her life.

3. Doggie Meatloaf (Fresh ground beef from Fleischers, prices vary, 192 5th Ave at Sackett St, 718-398-6666): Most sane people wouldn't actually cook up an elaborate meal for a dog who licks his own asshole, but your dog obsessive friend isn't exactly sane.  She insisted that you watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet instead of the actual Superbowl, for Christ's sake.  Give her this recipe for Doggie Meatloaf along with a gift certificate for Fleischers, one of the best Brooklyn butchers in the neighborhood.  The good news is that the Doggie Meatloaf can be eaten by humans as well as dog, so she can sit on the floor with the dog and eat together (before she goes on her inevitable killing spree).  

4. Pugz ($19.99, Unleashed by Petco, 81 7th Ave at Berkeley St, 718-230-5059):  Putting clothes on your dog is located on the far right in the spectrum of crazy, but but if you’re going to be an asshole and buy shoes for your dog when people in Africa are walking through villages barefoot, contracting tetanus with every step, that’s your perogative, Bobby Brown.  These "Pugz" are billed as Uggs for dogs, which is doubly stupid.  I'm sure your friend will love them. 

5. FURminator ($44.99, Unleashed by Petco, 81 7th Ave at Berkeley St, 718-230-5059): While your dog obsessive friend is loves her dog very much, she doesn't exactly relish the idea of wandering around covered in his hair.  Also, you don't like going to her apartment and standing the whole time because you don't want to sit on the fur-covered couch.  Pick up the FURminator and help out both of you.  The FURminator is a grooming brush that claims to reduce shedding by 90%.  Wouldn't that be a dream come true?

Shout out to Erica for help on coming up with these gift suggestions.  There are few people who are as obssessed with their dogs as she is with Oliver, so she was the best consultant for this guide.  Anddddd... for way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out Amanda's site, You're Welcome.