FIPS HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE DAY 1: BROOKLYN SNOBS

Every day for the next two weeks, Amanda, FIPS writer and creator the douchey gift blog You're Welcome will be providing you with gift suggestions that you can buy right here in Park Slope.  Today's edition is for those Brooklyn snob jerks that you know and love/hate. 

You know this guy.  He only goes into Manhattan for work.  He's broken up friendships because he refuses to meet up "in the city" on weekends.  He's a bona fide Brooklyn snob (wait, is that redundant?).  It's fine.  Embrace the self-righteous douchebaggery and help him celebrate his Brooklyn Pride with these gifts.

1. Coney Island Coasters ($45, A Sterling Place; 352 7th Ave at 10th St, 718-499-4800): Ah, the Coney Island of yore: parasols, strollable boardwalks, sandy beaches free of hypodermic needles and used condoms!  What a paradise that was (supposedly).  Now, show up to Avenue X on a Saturday afternoon in August and you'll find yourself saying, "Hey, I didn't know you could take the Local straight to hell."  YOU CAN, MY FRIEND, YOU CAN.  You might avoid Coney Island like the plague, stubbornly wiling away hot summer afternoons sitting in cold water in your bathtub with the lights off, but Brooklyn Snobs can't get enough of the ol' boardwalk.  The theory behind this is that when something is so shitty, it automatically can be categorized as "authentic."  Also, when something has a storied history and a 700-year-old rollercoaster kicking around, people tend to get overprotective.  These coasters depict the Coney of yesteryear.  What better for this Brooklyn Snob to rest his bottle of Coney Island lager on?        

2. [SPONSORED] Brooklyn Bridge Ornament ($18, The Clay Pot, 62 7th Ave between 1st St and Garfield Pl, 718-788-6564): Question: what is more iconic to Brooklyn than the Brooklyn Bridge?  Answer: Nothing (maybe pizza?).  Yes, there's a brand-new life around the bend (and across the bridge), Tony Micelli. Oh wait, he left Brooklyn in that show.  Nevermind.  This Brooklyn Bridge ornament will help your Brooklyn Snob deck out his small, apartment-sized Christmas tree that he bought at DII last week.  Who needs to go into Manhattan to see a stupid, giant Christmas tree?  That's right.  NOBODY.  FIPS Holiday Deal: mention FIPS upon check out to receive 10% off your entire purchase by 12/15 (Note that this discount will be applied to stock merchandise only and excludes diamonds over .15cts).

3. [ONLINE] Brooklyn Money Clip ($25, CityBitz): It used to be that you moved to the outer boroughs because you couldn't afford Manhattan.  Ha, joke's on you, suckers!  True Brooklyn Snobs would rather jump in front of a G train than entertain the thought of living in the East Village or Morningside Heights.  Living in Brooklyn now says at least two things about you: 1.) You're cool, smart, and avant garde (or trying to be), 2.) You've got money to burn (unless you live in Gravesend or Mill Basin).  Give this jerky Brooklyn Snob a money clip that will let everyone know where his dollaz are spent.  Mmmmhmmm, in the 718, just like Biggie Smalls. 

4. [SPONSORED] NYC Taxi Awards T-Shirt ($20, NYCTaxiAwards.com): Finding a yellow cab in Brooklyn is like finding a four-leaf clover, but every now and then, you find yourself in a shitty Midtown bar with co-workers.  "Just one drink" has inevitably morphed into approximately 75 drinks.  There is absolutely no way you're going to take the subway.  You hail a cab, jump in, and wait until he pulls away to tell him you're going to Brooklyn.  Most cabbies are pissed off at you for making them leave Manhattan, the land of easy fares.  You drunkenly mumble, "Hey, buddy, if you didn't want to drive a drunk girl all the way to Brooklyn while she sings 'The Glory of Love' at the top of her lungs, then you shouldn't have become a cab driver."  Your Brooklyn Snob friend knows all about this dance, he experiences it each (infrequent) time he goes into Manhattan to meet his friends.  Fortunately, sometimes (emphasis on sometimes), you get a cab driver who doesn't mind the drive to BK.  You get to know him on the long drive, and it's only when you wake up the next morning that you realize you tipped your new best friend $20 on top of a $30 fare.  NYC Taxi Awards is a brand-new company that is on a search to find the best cab drivers in all five boroughs.  You know, the ones that don't pitch a hissy fit when you say the words "Park Slope."  Pick up one of these Official NYC Taxi Awards t-shirts to let your Brooklyn Snob show his pride.  It says, "I take cabs because the F train is never, ever running."  FIPS Holiday Deal: enter FIPS in the coupon box upon checkout and receive $5 off your purchase.

5. Flatbush Fighters T-Shirt ($26, Something Else on Fifth, 208 5th Ave at Union St, 718-230-4063): What better way to show your Brooklyn pride than to wear it across your goddamned chest? Back in the day (or, the 1980's), Park Slope was supposedly a tough place to live.  "Real Brooklyners" are quick to say that soft-handed cry babies like us wouldn't have set foot on the same 5th Avenue where we currently park our double-wide strollers and enjoy prix fixe brunches.  Local company Brooklyn Motors produces these Flatbush Fighters t-shirts that will make your Brooklyn Snob feel like a real-life Brooklynite who saw crime on the streets.  Forget about the fact that the only fight going on on Flatbush Avenue nowadays is about bugaboo parking and Co-op shifts.       

6. Dovetail Studio Mugs ($32, The Clay Pot, 62 7th Ave between 1st St and Garfield Pl, 718-788-6564): Every morning, this Brooklyn Snob wakes up to his old clock radio alarm.  The alarm is tuned to talk radio, because he loves nothing more than to listen to old white Jewish people have milquetoast opinions about milquetoast topics from the very moment he wakes up.  As soon as he steps out of the shower, he puts on his horn-rimmed glasses and stumbles into the kitchen for a big mug of fair trade coffee before hopping onto his bike and heading to his job at some douchey media company.  These Dovetail Studio Mugs combine the two loves of his life: bicycles and coffee.  If only the mug also included a rough sketch of Ira Glass, it'd be 100% perfect.     

7. Brooklyn Scarf ($42, Brooklyn Industries, 328 7th Ave at 9th, 718-788-5250): Bundle up, Brooklyn.  It's going to be a long, cold winter, what with all of the F and G train stops being shut down until the Spring.  Walking longer distances, waiting on the 4th Avenue stop's makeshift platform for a train that will never come, both you and your Brooklyn Snob are in the same boat (train?).  This Brooklyn Scarf will let everyone on the train know his final destination: a stop that no longer exists.  It's like that Bob Dylan song.  Or not really.    

For way more gift suggestions paired with jerky commentary, check out You're Welcome.  And while you're at it, follow Amanda on Twitter @AmandaWaas.