CHEEBURGER IN PARADISE: The FIPS Liveblog

For some ungodly reason, Amanda and I decided to go to Cheeburger Cheeburger last night and "live blog" our meal. Let me ruin the ending for you: IT SUCKED A GIGANTIC DIZZLE.

Here's why we think you'd be better off at McDonald's than at Barfburger Barfburger:

Erica: It's pouring out...I fear this is the universe sending me a message about our upcoming meal, and yet I decide to push forward anyway. CAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU BTCHZ.

Amanda: Walk into this place and you're going to feel one of two things:1.) You are on the set of a John Waters film (this isn't a good thing) or 2.) The ghost of Frankie Avalon has spirited you back in time to the days of Grease.  Danny Zucco and Sandy Koalabear (I don't remember her last name, but I do remember that she was Australian) are ready to pop out from behind the counter and sing "You're the One That I Want."  Where's Stockard Channing when you need her?

Erica: The lighting in this place gives me a headache...It's so pink and disturbing, I'm pretty sure that if I were actually an epilepitic, I'd be having a seizure right now.

Amanda: On the bright side (LITERALLY HAHAHAHA), pink lighting makes everyone look more attractive?  Or not, I don't really know.  I'm rarely attracted to anyone since the accident.

Erica: The menu is kind of gigantic. Before I left Greg asked me "what are you going to order," and I yelled at him cause: duh: I'm getting a fucking cheeseburger! But they actually have a good bit of shit on their menu. And if you wanna be healthy, you should totally order the cheeseburger salad. Only not.

Amanda: Also, the menu looks like it was designed by Ray Charles.

Erica: THEY ONLY SERVE PEPSI AT THIS PLACE, THEREFORE THEY ARE ALREADY DEAD TO ME. DIET COKE OR DIEEEEEE!

Amanda: Speaking of sugar water, "Shake-a-Soda" is a fun menu item and every parent's worst nightmare.  You can pick however many sodas you want, and they will come to your table and shake them all together.  It's a sugar smoothie—with extra sugar.

Erica: They have 12 billion flavors of shakes and I wanted to order one of each. But #myfatass decided to skip it.

Amanda: Do you think they had malts?  Would you wear my fraternity pin if I gave it to you?  For some reason, the theme song to Laverne & Shirley is stuck in my head.

Erica: We waited 7 minutes before the waiter took our order...that was like 3 mins too long, but I'm not angry. Yet.

Amanda: They served us drinks in mason jars, which is charming...if you're a hillbilly.

Erica: I ordered a Classic (the smallest burg they had) with Pepper Jack Cheese and cole slaw. I ordered it medium, even though I NEVER ever get burgers above medium rare, but that was as low as they go. Now I'm getting angry.

Amanda: Our waiter was wearing a sticker on his shirt that said, "If you finish a pounder, Andres will take your picture."  Someone named John actually finished a pounder while we were there, which is a big accomplishment if you're a shut in or can't get out of your chair without the help of two people.  Hey, HEAVY, here you come!

Erica: They have a shit ton of toppings you can pick from...but they go overboard if you ask me. Like, if you are ever ordering a cheeseburger with peanut butter on top, for examps, you may as well just walk across the street to the Emergency Room at Methodist and sit in the waiting room until your heart explodes.

Amanda: Didn't Elvis eat peanut butter on his burgers?  No wait, that was Rosie O'Donnell. 

Erica: We ordered a half and half basket (1/2 fries, 1/2 onion rings) with two dipping sauces: spicy horseradish and some zesty jalapeno.

Amanda: There was much discussion about getting the "garden vegetable" dip, which was described on the menu as "refreshing."  Also, it was 330 calories?  Sounds totally refreshing.  Just like those gross "Pouring on the Pounds" subway ads with the cups of fat.   

Erica: We waited 21 mins and 52 seconds for our food. During that time we discussed annoying people, the new season of Celebrity Apprentice, why Twitter rules, greek yogurt and its "magical" weight loss properties, as well as the fact that I'm always right. Amanda actually said those words to me.

Amanda: I'm not sure if I said "ALWAYS." Also, when the waiter served us our burgers, he said, "Bon appetit." It was a classy touch. I liked it.

Erica: Our food arrived and I dove into my burger. Here's a little insider info on me: I will order a burger over a steak every time. I fucking love burgers like fat kids love cake. It's probably my favorite food in like the history of ever. I had 5 bites of my cheeseburger and I was done.

Amanda: What she said. I'm a certified savor-toothed tiger.

Erica: Never in my life have I tasted a burger that was so lifeless and flavorless. IT TASTED LIKE NOTHING. I'm pretty sure I could have removed the meat from the bun, left on all the toppings, and had the same exact experience. If Pat LaFrieda ever came to this joint he'd probs cut a bitch.

Amanda: You can't even envoke the holy name of Pat LaFrieda in this terrible place.  I don't even think they used salt on this burger.  FAIL. 

Erica: The onion rings were very good...they were thin and crispy and I dig that a lot. Most places do fat/thick onion rings and I much prefer the petite ones. Fries were ok.

Amanda: Erica and I got into an argument about which dipping sauce was more terrible. 

Erica: I liked the Jalapeno dipping sauce, though "like" is actually a bit too strong of a word here. I like to dip things, and there were sauces in front of me that didn't make me barf, but that was really the extent of it.

Amanda: The manager stopped by to ask us how our mediocre food was.  We knew he was the manager because he was wearing argyle.

Erica: Also, there were way the hell too many crying babies there.

Amanda: Also, you can get your fries served in the trunk of a cardboard Cadillac if you're a child or a pedophile.

Erica: You would think that all of the kids eating fries out of the trunk of a cardboard Cadillac would have been happy, but NOOOO. Little baby btchz were screaming like someone just told them Elmo was dead.

Erica: Over the course of an hour and half, 3 separate people finished 1 pound burgers and got their pictures taken. How anyone in their right mind could finish one pound of that garbage I will never know, but I was kinda jelly that the manager took their pics and hung em up on the wall. You think maybe I could be an honorary one pounder and just get my pic there anyway? I deserve it.

Amanda: We both do.

In conclusion, here is a list of things we would rather do than EVER go back to Cheeburger Cheeburger:

• get a pelvic exam
• go get our licenses renewed at the DMV
• have a nice chat with a Time Warner customer service rep
• eat at Mama Rosa's

NEVER. AGAIN.