BREEDER vs. BALLER: I Get That You're Breastfeeding, But Ur Titties Are In My Face
Effed in Park Slope | Thursday, December 18, 2008 at 10:33AM 
Each week we will attempt to bring you the unbiased, unedited points-of-view of a bonafide, ginuwine Park Slope Breeder (mom/dad) and a real deal, smokin, sexin, drinkin Park Slope Baller (child free-n-lovin it) on a variety of topics. Identities will remain anonymous, of course, to protect the soon-to-be lynched.
BALLER:
Despite the fact that I'm a BALLER thru-n-thru, I *do* try to remind myself to get into the headspace of u BREEDERS when I'm writing this shit up. It's important...and makes me less of an asshole...so I step to it when I can. But, daym this week was hard.
First I had to get myself into the headspace of imagining that I had kids = nearly impossible, but if I was a bazillionaire, had many servants, and was a way nicer person, maybe.
Ok, then I had to get into the headspace of imagining that I needed to breastfeed this imaginary kid = almost entirely fucking impossible. If I ever did have a kid (which I won't), I'm pretty sure I'd want to get all Brangelina and adopt one. This, of course means that I almost definitely wouldn't have a baby. And even if I did, I wouldn't breastfeed someone else's biological baby and this whole point would be moot, but ohhhhkaaaay, I'll go there.
THEN, I had to get myself into the headspace of imagining that IF I had this imaginary baby, and IF I gave birth to it, and in some sort of Freaky Friday sitch I lost all my faculties and turned into a super caring, nurturing mom who decided I wanted to breastfeed this baby, I would then choose to do all this breastfeeding with my titties hanging out, like nothing at all was up, at Sotto Vocce, with some eggs benedict, on a Sunday morn.
And this, my BREEDER bud is where you totally fucking lose me.
Now this week's rant is not gonna be at awl about whether or not you have the right to sit at Sotto Vocce with your titties hangin out, breastfeedin your bebe, eatin eggs benedict on Sunday morn if you so choose. I fully support your right to do that...I just don't get why the hell you would *want* to do it.
I read a lot of blogs, and websites and magazines and newspapers and such, so I understand that the collective scientific and psychological opinion of all those in the know is that breastfeeding is better for the baby. No problemo. It would just be way too much of a pain in the ass for me, and the situation above is a perfect example of why. I like to go out with friends...and see exhibits at museums...and other such BALLER activities. I would literally last one day. So, I've got nothing but mad respect for women who make that commitment and decide that breastfeeding their bebe's is an A#1 priority.
What I don't understand is why on earth you would want to do this out in the open, in front of me, Pslope nonmom, haikusue, the FooL and all our other BALLER friends. I don't care how "normal" and "natural" it is, it's YOUR TIT....in MY FACE. Taking a dump is normal and natural too, but I don't do it in front of you as you're innocently polishing off your bagel and lox. Menstruating is hella normal, but I'm not popping in a new tampon whilst you sip on your chai, no whip, decaf latte.
And you know what, even if it WAS ok, I still wouldn't be doing it. Cause the only person that gets to see my tits and my cooch is my husband.
I mean, can you honestly tell me that you are totally comfortable and relaxed and engaged in normal "let's talk about Obama's new cabinet" conversations with your tits hanging out in front of everyone? Because I gu-AIR-ohn-tee that all the people you are having that convo with are sitting there the whole time jus sayin in their heads "DON'T LOOK AT HER TITS, DON'T LOOK AT HER TITS, DON'T LOOK...[SHITFUCKOHGODAMMIT! I JUST LOOKED AT HER TITS]...I WONDER IF ANYONE SAW THAT...CAUSE I SO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THIS BITCH IS SAYIN AND IF ANYONE ASKS ME RIGHT NOW...[OHFUUUUUCK! I JUST LOOKED AGAIN].
I just don't get why it doesn't make sense to excuse yourself for 15 mins...and go breastfeed in the bathroom...or the car...or some place else that doesn't require me catchin a flash of your nip?
In summary BREEDER, I really don't give a shit that you breastfeed in public...I just don't know why the fuck you would want to?
BREEDER:
Jesus I'm tired, and this isn't helping. It's beyond futile to write to women like you, because I already know that you'll look at what I write but you won't read it. My letter is a chuck-e-cheese rockclimbing wall, and every point I make is just a styrofoam protrusion for you to grab onto to pull yourself up.
I'll write anyway, in case someone else reads it.
Breastfeeding in public is like the tearing of my vagina while I was giving birth. My husband tells me, "You TORE so much - that must have been the WORST PART!" I said babe, I literally couldn't feel it. I was already in such a worldbending redefininition of pain, that what would normally KILL didn't even register.
Same thing with breastfeeding - sure, in isolation, it's embarrassing to think of showing your tit in public. But with the insanity of sleep depravation, constant crying, eradication of my own feminine needs and identity - it's an imperceptible degradation in a sea of lifestyle suicide.
You think I want to breastfeed in public specifically, or have any energy to consider whether anyone might be offended by the sight of my breast? I'm exhausted, and I couldn't care less. Feeding is automatic and obvious. Baby crying, I must feed. If baby eating, mommy allowed eat.
I HAVE NO PEACE OR PRIVACY OR FREEDOM unless my child is asleep or feeding. When he feeds for a few minutes in a restaurant, it means I'm allowed to eat for a couple of minutes and pretend I'm still a person. You want me to spend that time in a disgusting purity diner bathroom? This is one of my few windows into sanity - please don't fuck with it.
Gimme a break: You're not offended, you're just playing kitschy devil's advocate from a Sex and the City perspective. Back off and bear with me for a few more months.
Breeder vs. Baller 
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Reader Comments (12)
Why do I want to breastfeed at the table in the restaurant instead of going to the bathroom?
Let's see....
- Would you like to eat your eggs benedict in the bathroom? Probably not, my baby doesn't like eating there either.
- I don't want to miss 15 minutes of the conversation because you are uptight.
- The bathroom smells and I don't want to spend any more time in there than is required to pee, wash my hands, and get the hell out.
- Other people may need to use the bathroom for what it was intended for (reminder: that is NOT breastfeeding)
Oh, and finally, I like to breastfeed in public because (a) it gives other women the confidence to do so too and (b) it makes uptight people all squirmy!
I may be in the minority here, but I'm a breastfeeding mom. And its not something I feel comfortable doing or have any desire to do in public. I just time things so that the baby is fed before we go out somewhere--or just pump beforehand. I don't know, it hasn't really been that much of a challenge for me.
Breeder:
"My letter is a chuck-e-cheese rockclimbing wall, and every point I make is just a styrofoam protrusion for you to grab onto to pull yourself up."
Best. Ever.
Bravo.
breastfeeding in public is hurting. it's soooo just another easily defenisible talking point for mother's to get self-righteous about in a contrived effort to make it seem as though the world isn't being sensitive enough to their 'situation'. You chose to be a mother and even if you didn't you are one now. Stop acting like the inconveniences of parenthood, like missing 15 minutes of conversation at a dinner, are so epic that you can just throw a big 'fuck you' to the people who don't side with your views on the issue. Breast feeding in a restaurant is a preference. There are other places it could happen. You can't hold it against people for not wanting to accomodate your preference.
That said I have no problem with a woman breastfeeding in public. I make the above points on the behalf of those who do have issue with it cause I can also understand where they're coming from. Since I don't care either way I'm playing devil's advocate here; though... I think Anon 12:59 is a great example of the middle ground. She's still covering all the bases by putting a little more planning/effort into what she's doing. She still gets to go out and do the dinner's and her kid still gets fed. Of course she has one less thing to get self-righteous about, but fuck, life is sacrifice and who knows about that more than parents, right?
I say the more exposed titties the better!
1. For many babies, breastfeeding is more like a 30-45 minute "meal", not something you can just pop out of the room for and come right back. I'm not going to leave my husband/friend/whomever sitting alone in a restaurant just so someone I don't know doesn't get squeamish.
2. Breastfeeding already involves a lot of maneuvering - having the baby in the right position, dealing with bras, burp cloths, etc. If you add in having to go find some place private every time the baby gets hungry, and getting the a crying baby to that private place, the whole thing just becomes incredibly daunting. I'd rather keep it simple and deal with the slight awkwardness of having my tits out in public.
3. I could name a whole lot of other reasons, but really, trust me, we nurse in public not to make a political statement or to make anyone uncomfortable, but simply because the baby is hungry and it is the best solution there is. If every restaurant had a comfy quiet room I could sit in, that would be another story, but I'm not going to sit in some nasty bathroom to feed my kid like some kind of leper just because some people can't deal -- or say they can deal but just "don't understand why I would choose to do so" ( I call some serious bullshit on that BTW)
@ anon 3:30
I totally agree with the not wanting to go to a restroom to feed. you shouldn't be marginalized for having to breastfeed and who the fuck likes spending any amount of time in a restroom? but isn't anon 12:59's course of action a realistic way to avoid the situation altogether? I admit that I have no knowledge of what's involved in the process of breastfeeding, but if she can pull it off, then shouldn't other women be able to also?
"isn't anon 12:59's course of action a realistic way to avoid the situation altogether?"
Sort of, BUT:
1. Feeding the baby before leaving the house is no guarantee they won't get hungry again while you're out
2. Pumping, for most women I know, is WAY more of a pain in the ass than breastfeeding in public.
3. A not-insignificant number of babies (including mine) will only take milk from a bottle if the breast is not readily available and they're really, really hungry. Not an ideal situation at all.
So no, that's not really a better solution for me. It may be for some women, but it won't be for many others.
I think some public breastfeeders like the feeling of making people squirm OR just want a good excuse to show their breasts in public without seeming like a girl gone wild. Some may simply be trying to prove that they are comfortable enough with their bodies to breastfeed wherever and whenever.
This does not apply to all breastfeeders, just some. Not sure how many, but I'm guessing a significant percentage.
lol @phdinparenting:
Your feigned consideration for others ("Other people may need to use the bathroom...") is contradicted by your outward desire to make "uptight people all squirmy." Face it: you really don't give a shit.
To your other comments:
Your baby doesn't know the bathroom from the Bellagio; she'll take the tit wherever she can get it.
Were the child capable of eating eggs benedict with the rest of us, your bloated, sagging udder would have been forsaken for the plate of delicious, buttery eggs and bacon. Unless you're raising her vegan, you sick yuppie fuck.
Guess what? Breast feeding is easier than dealing with bottles and all that shit. I breast fed, in public, because the kid has to eat, and yeah yeah, it's healthier and all that, but the bottom line is it's EASY. Sleep deprived, absent-minded, measuring powder. And it can take 30 minutes! Where's one to go? You don't need to flash tits to feed your kids. And for those who are hoping to catch a glimpse of some nipple, you obviously are getting any.
and just to be clear, AREN"T getting any (see previous)