BLOCK-OFF! Btwn 4th Ave & 5th Ave (from Garfield-Baltic) vs. Btwn 5th Ave & 6th Ave (from Garfield-Park)

Holy crap! Have you schlubs seen this new Tarantino flick, Inglourious Basterds? I saw that shit recently & it blew my friggin mind. Back in the day, when I was but a giddy film student, I held Tarantino up to god status. After a while though, basically after Jackie Brown, once he decided that he was more interested in talking about films than making them, he started to seriously get on my nerves & I disowned him for a long ass time. He & Kevin Smith made me want to puke. Recently though, a friend put together a well-crafted series of essays on all his works, a series that often spoke to why his love of films makes his own films so good. It’s definitely an asset when the director’s actually excited about his film. I’m getting older & more forgiving & it’s been five years since Kill Bill II came out, so after hearing nothing but good words about his new film, I decided to give him another shot.

In our last Block-Off!, we took a look at the numbered streets between 4th & 5th and 5th & 6th, so this week, we’ll be taking a look at the rest of the streets between 4th & 5th and 5th & 6th. In honor of Tarantino, we’re going to infuse one set of blocks with his ridiculously over-the-top love of films. The other set will get to embody the raw violence of his flicks. They’ll go on their merry ways for a while, but as we really get into it, one set will run into the other one & start rambling on & on & on about Sam Fuller & Sam Peckinpah & the beauty of violence, After about five minutes, the other set will grow tired of set #1’s inability to shut the fuck up, hit him over the head with some crazy-ass Japanese weapon & tie him up in a basement. At that point, it’ll be set #2’s chance to speak & the awesome torture will begin. It’ll be all you can talk about for the next two weeks. Let the pop-culture infused, Leone-esque, Nazi-scalptastic judging begin!

Between 4th Ave & 5th Ave (from Garfield-Baltic):
The first set of streets begins on Garfield with one of those “good for your breedling” businesses, Our Children Enterprises. According to their website, they’ve been making toys for good little girls & good little boys for 25 years now. Unfortunately, you can’t buy jack on their site at the moment. Apparently the Consumer Product Safety Commission now requires that online stores post the choking hazards for toys & these peeps need time to get in line with that, so for the moment, no purchasing toys for your breedling…at least not from here, anyway.

Up the hill a bit there’s the Brooklyn Writer’s Space, which, for a fee offers an around-the-clock space for writers. Sure Starbucks is free, but they eventually close & kick you out & you’ll probably have to endure more Van Morrison than is healthy if you hang out there, so if you’re working on the great American novel, why not save up your tips for a few months & put in an application here? Worst they can do is laugh in your face.

If you get accepted, you’re going to need to drink & brood as much as possible. Luckily, there’s a wine bar—Al Di La Vino—one street over on Carroll. It’s an adjunct of sorts for the actual Al Di La restaurant that’s on the corner of 5th Ave. Since Al Di La is all anti-reservation, it makes for a pretty cool place to sit your ass down & wait for a table to open up at the restaurant.

On the next street over, on the corner of President & 4th, there’s a building that houses two medical establishments—Park Slope Dentistry & Advanced Eye Care Center. Two graduates of the NYU School of Dentistry run the dentists’ office. When my ass had just moved back to the city back at the beginning of 2007 & I had no dental insurance, I gave the NYU School of Dentistry a shot. It’s a cheap alternative, but instead of being worked on by actual dentists, you get worked on by dental students. After two months & three appointments, I finally got dental insurance & was all “sorry to interfere with your studies, Dr. So and So, but peace. I’m going to go talk to a real dentist now.” I guess that’s what the guys who run this place are…real dentists.

The Advanced Eye Care Center, which is right next door, is a fine alternative to all the sharp spikes & acids of medieval eye care. I’m pretty sure that “advanced” means lasers & shit…lasers that will be all like “pyoom pyoom pyoom.”

If you head up the hill, on the left-hand side a little bit before you hit 5th, you’re going to come across Delicious on the Slope, a restaurant serving New American cuisine. According to their website, there’s no reason to go anywhere else in Park Slope, because they have the “best steak, pasta & seafood in Park Slope.” I’m going to have to call “bullshit” on that claim, but am afraid to because it’s on the Internet, so it has to be true.

There’s a friggin’ Cabana Bar across the street from it. You might be saying to yourself, “Why would you build a cabana without a beach or a swimming pool nearby?” I asked myself the same question, but then realized people go crazy for stupid theme bars & restaurants. If you’re a Parrothead, you’ll probably like this place. Then again, that also means you like Jimmy Buffet, so good luck with that.

On Union, the first place is Brownstone Bagel & Bread Co, which is on the corner of 4th Ave & home to the sweet ass SUPER BAGEL pictured above. I guess the building might actually be a brownstone, but it doesn’t look like it.

Maria’s Mexican Bistro is right next door. I hear they have some of the best guac in Park Slope, but I can’t verify that, as I’m a cheap bastard who prefers making my own guac. The food’s supposedly pretty good too, but, well…cheap bastard.

Up a bit on the other side of the street, there's Palo Santo, a Latin American restaurant that's somewhat hidden at the bottom of a brownstone. I didn't notice it until recently, so I've yet to try it out, but the food sounds tasty & the place has a nice, brick interior, so I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you’re trying to find Jesus, he’s right across the street from Palo Santo in the form of Iglesia Pentecostal La Biblia Inc. If you don’t speak Spanish, you might have a little trouble following services here, but if you want to make sure before completely ruling them out, check out their YouTube page. It hasn’t been updated in three years, but it does have a sweet clip of a twelve-year old playing a sick drum solo. Not sure exactly what it has to do with the church, but the kid’s amazing.

Tired of wasting time trying to obtain enlightenment? No worries. All you have to do is make your way up Union to Third Eye Tattoo, ask them for the "Gyananakashu Special" & watch the nirvana roll in.

On the right-hand side before 5th Ave, there are a few more businesses. The first, Park Slope Eye, is a slick looking eye care joint. If you’re one of those folks who has an insatiable need for a constant social media connection to your eye care specialist, you’re in luck, since they have a Facebook page, a Twitter page and a blog. You wouldn’t be alone either. Over 3,000 people are following Park Slope Eye on Twitter. Really? Are glasses that exciting?

Right next door, there’s Afropop Worldwide, home to the PRI radio show that’s been featuring world music, including a bunch of African & Caribbean stuff, for the last couple decades. I’ve never been able to get into world music, but really enjoy that "We Are the World" song.

Your breedling’s five already? She should’ve been doing yoga a year ago, sister. Part way up the Sackett on the right there’s a “kids & family yoga” center, Bend & Bloom Yoga. Think about it, while you’re working on getting your yoga butt, your breedling will get to be all active & spiritual & shit…or you could just get her Wii Fitness & a copy of the Bhagavad Gita. It’s up to you.

There’s nothing on Degraw, but heading over to Douglass St, there’s more yummy food on the corner of Douglass & 4th at Ghenet Ethiopian. Growing up, all I knew of Ethiopia was that they had major food shortages & that a ton of peeps were starving there, so when I first moved to NYC & found that there were Ethiopian restaurants, I was all like “wiggidy wah?” If you’ve never had Ethiopian but you’re cool with eating your food with your hands in paste form by scooping it up with a bread that when rolled up can double for a flaccid penis, you should check it out. I like it.

Core Office Essentials is right next door to Ghenet. They deal only in the core office essentials—gossip, lots of work for little pay, drunken after-work hookups, something scary growing in the fridge—the stuff that makes a company tick.

The last locale in this group of streets is PS 133, located on Butler St. It’s also known as the William Butler School, a name that I’m pretty certain is in honor of some dude who was once president of the NY Bar Association. I guess he’s probably responsible for the street too. That must’ve been weird for his male servants.

Between 4th Ave & 5th Ave:

Garfield Pl
Our Children Enterprises, 34 Garfield Pl, 718-788-4400
Brooklyn Writer’s Space, 58 Garfield Pl, 718-788-2697

Carroll St
Al Di La Vino, 607 Carroll St, 718-783-4565

President St
Park Slope Dentistry, 586A President St, 718-398-6300
Advanced Eye Care Center, 586B President St, 718-438-5600
Delicious on the Slope, 641 President St, 718-399-3999
Cabana Bar, 648 President St, 718-399-2161

Union St
Brownstone Bagel & Bread Co, 671 Union St, 718-622-6030
Maria’s Mexican Bistro, 669 Union St, 718-638-2344
Palo Santo, 652 Union St, 718-636-6311
Iglesia Pentecostal La Biblia Inc, 697 Union St, 718-783-7150
Third Eye Tattoo, 682 Union St, 718-789-8282
Park Slope Eye, 682 Union St, 718-577-5196
Afropop Worldwide, 688 Union St

Sackett St
Bend & Bloom Yoga, 708 Sackett St, 347-987-3162

Degraw St
NONE

Douglass St
Ghenet Ethiopian, 348 Douglass St, 718-230-4475
Core Office Essentials, 348 Douglass St, 718-965-1516

Butler St
PS 133, 375 Butler St, 718-857-4810

Baltic St
NONE

Scoring
Bonuses – A Place Promoting Writing, A Better Al Di La, Lasers, A Huge Ass Bagel, Food From a Country With No Food
Shames – Three Empty Streets, A Place With Too Many Auspicious “The Best” Claims

Between 5th Ave & 6th Ave (from Garfield-Park):
This week, the remaining blocks between 5th & 6th begin at President St, since there are no actual businesses on Garfield or Carroll. The first business—Parents Helping Parents—was founded back in 1995 as a place for families to figure out the best way to work through all that crazy family shizz. I’m behind the idea. I think a lot of parents suck & could really benefit from some advice. Lady on the R train who told your kid to “shut up” the other day, I’m looking in your direction.

In this group of streets, Union St is home to a majority of the cool stuff. The rest of the streets are pretty unmemorable. I bet the first establishment on this stretch of Union—Uncle Louie G—had a rough ass summer considering that the summer basically lasted for about two weeks tops. Given his name, I’m assuming that Uncle Louie runs numbers on the side too, so I think he’ll be OK.

Across the street from Uncle Louie there’s one of the only concert venues in Park Slope, Union Hall. I don’t go there all that often, but it’s a pretty cool place. I could give a fuck about bocce, but as far as concerts go, they book some fairly good acts & it’s better than Southpaw & isn’t totally douchey, so I like it.

Continuing up the block, on the right-hand side there’s Spoke the Hub, the studio for a dance program that’s been around for thirty years. I’ve never cared much for dancing, but they have film series & drums & art & shit, so they get my community do-gooder seal of approval.

Before reaching 6th Ave we come to Rose Water, the only restaurant in this group of streets. They serve up New American cuisine & the rumor is that they have an absolutely great brunch. I wouldn’t know though & I’m going to say it right here & right now. I. Hate. Brunch. Regular brunch is fine, but I have ZERO interest in “let’s get together with ten other people & take over a section of a restaurant for a late breakfast” brunch. I’m much more for skipping the huge ordeal of organizing a brunch & buying $100 worth of food and $100 worth of beverages. Plus, it’s much easier to get high over brunch at your apartment than it is at Rose Water. Believe me.

I can’t get much use out of the next place—Park Slope Playground. The playground area’s out, since I don’t know any breedlings. If I got in line for the slide, it’d just look creepy. As for the basketball court, I suppose I could use it, but those teenagers would likely dunk on me in a second.

If you’ve got one of those pre-school breedlings & you’re done playing around, you should get them off the damn slide already, head one block over to Berkeley & check out the Helen Owen Carey Child Development Center. Development, you breeder! I mean, if your preschooler isn’t composing sonatas at this point, you really need to step up your game.

When we get to our last street, Park Pl, the first business is Qigong Tuina. It’s one of those Chinese body work places that offers acupuncture & acupressure and, given the window decorations, is really concerned about your feet. It’s owned by the same people that own Golden Stone (over on 7th St), so if you went there & it sucked, you should probably avoid this place too.

This set of streets ends with PS 77. It’s too bad, because 77’s one of the shittiest numbers out there. News Talk Radio 77 (WABC) is home to such assheads as Rush Limbaugh, Don Imus and Sean Hannity. 77 was the number of the flight that hit the Pentagon. It’s the year that Joey Fatone was born. Not even the Talking Heads’ debut album featuring “Psycho Killer” (is that Martha Plympton on bass?) can make up for those three things.

Between 5th Ave & 6th Ave:

Garfield Pl
NONE

Carroll St
NONE

President St
Parents Helping Parents, 669 President St, 718-638-9444

Union St
Uncle Louie G, 741 Union St, 718-623-6668
Union Hall, 702 Union St, 718-638-4400
Spoke the Hub, 748 Union St, 718-408-3234
Rose Water, 787 Union St, 718-783-3800

Berkeley Pl
Park Slope Playground, Berkeley Pl

Lincoln Pl
Helen Owen Carey Child Development Center, 71 Lincoln Pl, 718-638-4100

St John’s Pl
NONE

Sterling Pl
NONE

Park Pl
Qigong Tuina, 4 Park Pl, 718-783-1268
PS 77, 62 Park Pl, 718-789-1191

Scoring
Bonuses –The Best Concert Venue in the Slope, Three Community Do-Gooders
Shames –Four Empty Streets, A Useless Playground, An Unlucky Number

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
BETWEEN 4TH AVE & 5TH AVE (GARFIELD-BALTIC)

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.