BLOCK-OFF! Btwn 4th Ave & 5th Ave (from 15th-10th & 8th-1st) vs. Btwn 5th Ave & 6th Ave (from 15th-10th & 8th-1st)

Smell ya later, August! Seriously, was that an awful month or what? There was a string of disgustingly hot days. The health care debate officially entered Looneyville. We lost both Ted Kennedy and DJ AM in the same week. Third Eye Blind put out another album. It’s just a month I’d rather forget. From this day forth & for twenty-nine days after that, I will only think September. We get a holiday & a few more weeks of summer & a Nachos NY Grito contest & Fashion Week & new episodes of Sons of Anarchy, Dexter & Fringe. That’s a ton of junk to look forward to.

In this week's Block-Off!, we’re going to start looking at the spaces in between the avenues with the streets from 15th to 1st between 4th Ave & 5th competing against those same streets between and 5th Ave & 6th. We’ve already covered both 9th Streets in the Block-Off!, so they don’t count. To prove how much better September’s going to be, I’m going to infuse one set of blocks with the demonic spirit of August & the other with the hopeful spirit of September. As August drips its nasty sweat all over us, September will be asking us over for steaks…unless Labor Day is ridiculously hot & my whole August good/September bad scenario I’ve created here will be factually incorrect. Let the optimistic, non-celebrity death infused, almost-autumnal judging begin!

Between 4th Ave & 5th Ave (15th-10th & 8th-1st):
Heading up the hill toward 5th, the first business in this week’s competition is Harbor Fitness, all tucked away on 15th St. My roommate had a membership here for a while, but eventually gave up on it. It’s probably been a year now, but they keep sending him letters. Either they really want him back or they really want the money they’re owed. Let’s hope it’s because they have an exciting, year-long “welcome back” offer for new members.

Across the street & up a little bit there’s Avalon Academy, a preschool named after the island featured in Arthurian legend, a magical island where shit like apples would just grow without anyone having to do any farming at all. Breedlings love magic apples.

Over on 14th St there are a couple of them happy type community businesses. The first—The Gallery Players Theater—has been around since 1967. Back in 2000, they won a lifetime achievement award for off-off-Broadway. September’s show is “The House of Blue Leaves,” so if you’re into plays with nuns & zookeepers, you’ve got all month to get your fill.

The second—Park Slope Neighborhood Family Center—is part of the same building & home to a crapload of services & stuff. We’re talking child care, health care, old people care, etc. They’re also celebrating their 20th anniversary this year, which is cool. Too bad Obama’s gonna put the government in between them & their health care, like with a death panel lined wall of socialism & stuff. I heard about it on Glenn Beck, just after he got done talking about how Obama is also going to change Americorps into an internal civilian military force. Yep & he was saying they got a budget of a half trillion dollars for it. Wait…a half-trillion? Um, wasn’t that $274 million? Wait a second, Glenn Beck. Is your concern actually deceit?

On the next street, there’s the Park Slope Family Health Center, which is a part of the Lutheran HealthCare system. Essentially, that means that you go in, they examine you & then the next morning, they nail the doctor’s diagnosis to your front door.

Next door to the health center is the Holy Family Church, a Roman Catholic church whose website claims that they’ve been “building the kingdom of God for 128 years.” That is friggin forever. How big is this kingdom? Really? Wow. That sounds pretty big. Is there room for me up there? Ok, well you get back to me on that.

Up on the left just before 5th Ave, there are two more businesses—A&E Diamond Cuts and S&C Health Bodywork. At A&E, you can get your hair styled like MC Hammer or Gene Simmons or Dog the Bounty Hunter. S&C Health is one of those engaging, tiny places with a yin/yang symbol hanging out front & a chart of a foot in the window.

Once we reach 12th St, things really start to heat up, with Farouk Elsebaie, a CPA. He’ll be your accountant. He’ll be your tax consultant. I hear his accounting’s Faroukin awesome.

Just up the block on the left there’s the Park Slope Baptist Church. Ain’t feeling the Roman Catholics? Been there. No worries though. You can mosey on down a few blocks & become a Baptist. They both believe in Jesus, so the transition shouldn’t be too hard.

At the end of the block on the right there’s the African Gift Shop. I could be wrong, but it just looks like a bunch of random crap that’s made in China.

The 11th St block remains pretty quiet until almost the end, where we reach Hair Stylists, located just below the dingy awning on the right. If I remember correctly, this is a TV repair store.

Having a little trouble with your bowel movements? Café Regular, a tiny place located right next door to Hair Stylists, has a cup of coffee that’ll do the trick. That’s just a scientific fact. Coffee’s a diuretic.

The only place on 10th St is the VFW Post 9485, which is essentially located under the subway tracks that lead up to the 4th Ave-9th St station. Is this what our country’s come to? We’re making or veterans live under the train tracks like a common troll? Despicable, I tell you.

The Saint Thomas Aquinas School, located on 8th, is named for the Roman Catholic Priest whose book, Summa Theologica, is basically the #2 book in church theology, right behind The Bible, which sort of means it’s in the same company as The Little Red Book, the #2 selling book after The Bible.

AnG Designer Apparel & Golden Stone Chinese Bodywork are the two 7th St representatives between 4th & 5th. The first opened in April 2009 and is run by Angela Gao, a designer who worked on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. The costumes were sick in that movie. Golden Stone is another enthralling place that wants to help your feet & embraces both the yin & the yang.

Remember the Wizard of Oz? That shit came out 70 years ago last week. Personally, I identified most with the Tin Man, who also lacks a heart at times & needs to be oiled up often. Sometimes I go over to 6th St & just stand in front of Superior Tinsmith Supply Co, an old time family-owned tin business, taking it all in, wondering if I’ll ever get my heart.

Postmark Café is up on the right on 6th, just before 5th Ave. It’s a neighborhood place that’s slightly unassuming from the outside. They have wifi & they have music, but most importantly, they have 46 friends (& counting) on Facebook. No word on a Twitter presence.

Terrapin Playground takes up a good portion of 5th St. It’s named for the turtle & home to intense handball games, although all handball games look intense to me. I mean, you’re repeatedly smacking the shit out of a tiny ball with your hand.

After nothing on 4th, on the north edge of Washington Park there’s Villa Rustica, a fancier than average pizza place that’s been open for about a year. They have a brick oven or some shit. I hear that worked for Bertucci’s.

There’s nothing on 2nd & then the last business in this stretch is the only one on 1st St in this week’s battle—D&H Medical Rehabilitation. Let’s hope that that stands for doctors & hotties. If it doesn’t, I’ve got nothing.

Between 4th Ave & 5th Ave:

15th Street
Harbor Fitness, 191 15th St, 718-965-6200
Avalon Academy, 204 15th St, 718-768-3800

14th Street
The Gallery Players Theater, 199 14th St, 718-832-0617
Park Slope Neighborhood Family Center, 199 14th St, 718-499-8878

13th Street
Park Slope Family Health Center, 220 13th St, 718-832-5980
Holy Family Church, 13th St, 718-768-9471
A&E Diamond Cuts, 259 13th St, 718-788-4633
S&C Health Bodywork, 261 13th St, 718-832-1028

12th Street
Farouk Elsebaie, 227 12th St, 718-768-0848
Park Slope Baptist Church, 251 12th St, 718-965-1582
African Gift Shop, 276 12th St, 718-499-4049

11th Street
Hair Stylists, 318 11th St, 718-788-8075
Café Regular, 318 11th St, 718-768-4170

10th Street
VFW Post 9485, 303 10th St

8th Street
Saint Thomas Aquinas School, 211 8th St, 718-768-9007

7th Street
AnG Designer Apparel, 325 7th St
Golden Stone Chinese Bodywork, 325 7th St, 718-788-2898

6th Street
Superior Tinsmith Supply Co, 282 6th St, 718-499-0498
Postmark Cafe, 326 6th St, 718-768-2613

5th Street
Terrapin Playground

3rd Street
Villa Rustica, 357 3rd St, 718-832-2700

2nd Street
NONE

1st Street
D&H Medical Rehabilitation, 264 1st St, 718-768-0033

Scoring
Bonuses – A Magical Fruit-Growing School, Dog the Bounty Hunter’s Barber, Some Crouching Tiger Fashion, Touching Tin Moments
Shames – One Street That Doesn't Exist, One Empty Street, A Gym That Doesn’t Get the Hint

Between 5th Ave & 6th Ave (15th-10th & 8th-1st):
The blocks between 5th & 6th begin at 15th St with Eastern Car Service. I have to level with you. Here’s what I’ve figured out about car services in Park Slope. I’m cheap & figure walking’s the only exercise I get, so it’s rare that I take a car service. Pretty much the only time they I do is when it is 3am & I’m wasted out in the neighborhood & can’t be bothered with walking. The next morning, I’ll be damned if I remember what car service I took. That’s how I feel about Eastern.

Next door to them is DWIP Corp, one of those home improvement/contracting places. I’m thinking of tearing down a wall in my place & putting in a rotating wet bar before my lease is up, so I’ll have to keep them in mind.

14th St brings a trio of businesses right in a row—Fama Party Center, Angelo’s Shoe Repair & Yani’s Style. Since they’re conveniently located all together just around the corner from 5th Ave, you can pick up your boots at Angelo’s, pick up a flower arrangement at Fama & get a perm in the same trip. Then you can go home, put on your boots & settle on the couch watching Sex in the City, running your fingers through your hair & picking the petals off of flowers…again.

Moving down to 13th, on the left-hand side, there’s a Laundromat. I guess it’s cool because it’s so close to Lucky 13, but that’s about all it has going for it—the ability to easily get drunk & rock out while you launder.

We encourage you to get drunk while you do your laundry. Seriously. Lucky 13 Saloon is perfect. We here at FIPS have had our good times with Lucky 13 & with all the burlesque stripping action. You should too. Best metal bar hands down in Park Slope.

There’s nothing on 12th St & when we get to 11th, there’s a bit of an inclusion conundrum. The two businesses on the block—Express 11 Car Service & George’s Professional Barber Shop—are clearly on 11th St & Express clearly has a friggin “11” in their name, but they list 475 5th Ave as their address. George’s awning reads “475 11th St,” which would place it somewhere up near 7th Ave. Since they’ve already got a full two combined sentences of coverage, I guess I’ll just include them for the hell of it. Seriously, get it together, guys.

When we hit 8th St, there’s a flurry of activity. Four whole places to speak of! That’s tied with 13th between 4th & 5th for the most this week. How significant! The first is the Law Office of Michael Schaum, which also leads a double life as Royal Slope Realty. Straight-edged lawyer by day…sexy realtor by night. Royal Slope Schaum…coming Tuesdays this Fall on ABC.

Looking for religion? Look no further. We’ve definitely got some religion for you on this block. A few paces up on the left is the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses. For this week’s column, I did little research about the religion. Turns out they don’t believe in holidays, but they do believe the world is under Satan’s control.

If you just act normal & keep walking past the Jehovah’s Witnesses, you’ll come to Templo Unido. Like the Jehovahs down the block, they also believe in Jesus. They’re just not so damn pushy about it.

Camp Friendship is one of the four Park Slope Day Camp locations in Brooklyn. This particular locale is known for its serious “no playa hating” policy. All the breedlings have to get along. That’s the policy. If they ignore the policy, they have to deal with “Mr. Friendship Stick.”

Is the temperature control in your body-hiding freezer on the fritz? You should head over to 7th St & talk to the dudes at Vega Commercial Refrigeration. Believe me, you do not want those bodies to thaw out in this weather, especially that many bodies.

Glowing Results of NY is across the street from Vega. It’s a medical spa that promises “Total Bodycare the Way You’ve Always Wanted.” I don’t know how they’re going to get Sasha Grey to give me the full body treatment, but I’ll take their word for it.

At 6th, mofos start performin’ miraclz. That’s right. At Miracle Maids, they’ll come clean your apartment & while they’re at it, turn water into wine or cure a leper or some such thing. My friend had them come by the other week, but they only cured dropsy, so he felt sort of gypped.

Our only urologist this week is next—Jude T Barbera, M.D. In case you don’t see the seven thousand signs, the office is right there on the left before you reach 6th Ave. You know…you never know what you’re going to find on the Internet. For instance, if you were to do a search for “Jude T Barbera, M.D.,” the top search would lead you to a .pdf of a federal indictment of Barbera for falsifying employment records to aid the Luchese crime family. Oops. Internet.

Just around the corner from 5th Ave on 5th is Urban Alchemist, a design collective that’s “part store, part gallery, part artisan salon.” All I know is that the other day I went in there with a roll of aluminum foil & came out with a bar of gold.

Near the top of 5th St is Pongo Power Personal Training. You’re probably asking yourself the same question I was. What the f is a pongo? I figured it was some sort of drum/table tennis hybrid workout, but I consulted their website & they describe a “pongo” as “anyone who likes to move around.” They just made that shit up. That’s not a real word. “Hey Johnny, you coming to the BBQ on Sunday?” “Well of course. I’m going to walk over round noon.” “Walk? Oh Johnny, you’re such a pongo.” NO.

The last businesses in this section are on 4th St, right around the corner from Bagel World—Prints Charming & Christine’s Hair Care. Prints Charming, other than winning the “Most Charming Store Name” Award this week, is also a good choice for framework…since they have frames. Christine’s isn’t as charmingly named & actually looks pretty barren from the outside, but I assume they at least have a pair of scissors. That’s a start.

Between 5th Ave & 6th Ave:

15th Street
Eastern Car Service, 222 15th St, 718-499-6227
DWIP Corp, 718-703-6990

14th Street
Fama Party Center, 268 14th St, 718-730-2820
Angelo’s Shoe Repair, 268 14th St
Yani’s Style, 268 14th St, 718-473-5494

13th Street
Laundromat, 269 13th St
Lucky 13 Saloon, 273 13th St, 718-499-7553

12th Street
NONE

11th Street
Express 11 Car Service, 475 5th Ave?, 718-499-3800
George’s Professional Barber Shop, 475 11th St?

10th Street
NONE

8th Street
Law Office of Michael Schaum/Royal Slope Realty, 288 8th St, 718-499-4942
Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, 303 8th St, 718-499-6401
Templo Unido, 315 8th St
Camp Friendship, 339 8th St, 718-788-PSDC

7th Street
Vega Commercial Refrigeration, 339 7th St, 917-549-3815
Glowing Results of NY, 326 7th St, 718-832-7888

6th Street
Miracle Maids, 348 6th St, 718-369-9000
Jude T Barbera, M.D., 376 6th St, 718-499-4100

5th Street
Urban Alchemist, 343 5th St, 718-499-0758
Pongo Power Personal Training, 402 5th St, 718-768-9800

4th Street
Prints Charming, 310 4th St, 718-230-8118
Christine’s Hair Care, 310 4th St, 718-768-8830

3rd Street
NONE

2nd Street
NONE

1st Street
NONE

Scoring
Bonuses – One Sweet Metal Bar, A Place for Friendship, Miracles, One Charming Name
Shames – Five Empty Streets, Address Confusion, A Place for Mr Friendship

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
BETWEEN 4TH AVE & 5TH AVE (15TH-10TH & 8TH-1ST)

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.