BLOCK-OFF! 7th Ave [btwn President & Union] vs. 7th Ave [btwn Union & Berkeley]

Doooooooods. I almost spaced on writing the Block-Off! this week. It was late Monday night & I was sitting around the apartment celebrating the day, just having finished up the first five episodes of Party Down! I was totally chillin’ when “The Ballad of Helenkeller and Rip Van Winkle,” from NYC’s The Moldy Peaches filtered through the shuffle of my iTunes. It reminded me how much I hate The Moldy Peaches and how I really should delete their crap from my library, so I went & played with the cat for a little bit & had an iced coffee & came back to my computer to check if anything new & Hipster Grifter-related was going on in the blogosphere post the nude pic posting.

Some dude put a matchbook she wrote in on EBay and they found a MySpace page of hers. As a fine lady said to me the other day…Kari Farrell is no Frank Abagnale Jr. Next! I shut down Firefox and BAM! Sitting there on my desktop was a single, solitary file—“BlockOff042209.” THANK GOD the Kari Farrell story has been overplayed so much that it got boring quickly, or we never would have had this week’s Block-Off!

…so here we are. Last week’s competition was way too much of a bummer, with all that disaster & assassination, so this week’s is gonna be mad chill, folks. I’m keeping the walking to a minimum, with two adjacent 7th Ave blocks—between President & Union and between Union & Berkeley. We’ll judge the two blocks based on their merits & faults, but not too harshly, cause nobody likes to be judged, man. It just ain’t cool. At the end, we’re all gonna be like, “Shit, man. That is a good block.” Let the judging begin!…and then after a bunch of words, let the judging end! Awesome.

7th Ave from President St to Union St:
The block begins on the left hand-side with a huge-ass building that houses Astoria Federal Savings. They serve the tri-state area & aren’t extremely huge & could slaughter a dumpster full of kittens in front of a gymnasium full of disabled fifth graders & still come out better than the bank on the other block.

J & R Appliances lives in the shadow of Astoria Federal Savings. They have electronics & whatnot, just like the famous J&R in the city, but they aren’t that place.

Park Slope Farm, which replaced Hunan Wok & opened back in February, is after J&R. It’s another one of those bright, nice lookin’ bodegas with tons of hippie snacks…nothing all that special, really, but at least it’s clean & bulletproof glass free.

The block continues with an Aerosoles shoe store. It’s a chain shoe store, but they seem to make a lot of moms & other people happy, with their comfortable shoes, so they’re cool for now, but I have my eye on them. If I find out eight-year old Guatemalan kids & other assorted elves are cobbling their shoes, it’ll be curtains for them.

Next up is Score! It’s sort of like the classy strip club in Manhattan (returning this month, Ben!), but nobody gets naked here and K-9 breedlings learn things here…not that the breedlings wouldn’t learn anything at Scores, but Kaplan actually sanctions the things they teach at Score! and I’m certain that one Kaplan beats a pair of tatas on your college applications.

Brown Harris Stevens takes up the rest of this side of the block. I guess they have the right to, since they mostly deal with swanky, million dollar properties and likely eat caviar off each others’ bellies every time they close another lucrative real estate deal.

The other side begins with Eye Shoppe On 7th. Their double “P” name suggests that they’re old timey & it’s relatively true—they’ve been in the neighborhood for almost two decades now.

Joseph Berman Realty takes up a large space after & above the eye shoppe. They’re a family-owned business with a homey train set in the front window. Plus, they’ve been around since 1969 (the year Woodstock took place), so they’re totally cool, if you know what I mean.

Following it is Area Kids, which comes in handy for all you breeders out there who like to keep your breedlings dressed & give them things to play with. It’s one of two Park Slope locales and one of six total in Brooklyn.

The only laundromat on this block is San Toy Laundry. I can’t speak from experience, but two Yelpers gave the place five stars, so I feel confident in naming it the best laundromat on this block.

After San Toy, there’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT (that used to be Super Savers) and an AT&T Wireless. My first cell phone was with AT&T. It didn’t even work inside my apartment, which was wicked awesome & totally convenient. Never again, AT&T. Never again.

Near the end of the block, they really start packing in the businesses, starting with a space housing Facets and Joseph's Haircutting Salon on the ground floor and La Classique high in the sky above the two. Facets sells fancy jewelry and Joseph’s does what they say they do. Upstairs, La Classique is the classic example of a place I would never climb a set of stairs to go into unless I was with a lady friend or fleeing rising waters.

The block ends with a space with Park Slope News Stand and Infinity Optometry on the bottom floor and Seven Nails on the upper level. If you’re looking to buy some smokes or catch a bus to Atlantic City, there’s Park Slope News Stand. If you need to get your eyes checked, there’s Infinity Optometry. If you nodded off & lost three of your fingers in a horrible machine accident but still like to take care of yourself, there’s Seven Nails.

Left-hand side:
Astoria Federal Savings, 110 7th Ave, 718-789-4100
J & R Appliances, 108 7th Ave, 718-638-3040
Park Slope Farm, 106 7th Ave
Aerosoles, 100 7th Ave, 718-230-1680
Score!, 100B 7th Ave, 800-49-SCORE
Brown Harris Stevens, 100 7th Ave, 718-230-5500

Right-hand side:
Eye Shoppe On 7th, 107A 7th Ave, 718-789-0841
Joseph Berman Realty, 105 7th Ave, 718-638-8888
Area Kids, 103 7th Ave, 718-636-7235
San Toy Laundry, 101 7th Ave, 718-638-3477
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 101 7th Ave
AT&T Wireless, 99 7th Ave
Facets, 97A 7th Ave, 718-638-3898
Joseph's Haircutting Salon, 97 7th Ave, 718-638-5418
La Classique, 97 Ave (Upstairs), 718-783-0303
Park Slope News Stand, 95 7th Ave
Infinity Optometry, 95 7th Ave, 718-638-3100
Seven Nails, 95 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-857-8800

Scoring
Bonuses – One Nice Bodega, One Non-Strip Club Affiliated Place of Learning, One Place to Catch a Bus Out of Here
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Cellular Store Offering Crappy Reception

7th Avenue from Union St to Berkeley Pl:
This block opens with another fucking Bank of America, the third to be featured in the Block-Off! For those of you who haven’t been following the column & retaining my every word, I got out of an abusive relationship with B.O.A. a few years back and wish nothing but death upon them…fiery, piranha-filled death.

Amin Indian Restaurant is next to Bank of America, but we won’t hold it against them. I ate here a while ago, but I totally don’t remember a damn thing about it…guess that’s the memory loss they warn you about. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to try it out again and I vow to totally remember it this time.

It’s followed by Yogo Monster, a frozen yogurt place that’s somewhat new to the hood & one of three locations in the city. I mean, really. Maybe I live in a bubble, but do people actually like frozen yogurt enough to pay as much as Yogo charges? Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to the store & get a big tub of ice cream instead?

While I’m not going to advocate spending your hard-earned money on frozen yogurt, I do recommend that you spend it on a pint of something next door at 7th Ave Wine & Liquors Co. It’s been a rough millennium and you deserve it.

Brooklyn Valet Cleaners is next, and the first of three cleaners on this block. As I often say about places like this, maybe some folks can afford to have an outside party clean your clothes for you while somebody parks your car, but I can’t. I don’t even have a car. Poor poor me.

There’s an EMPTY STOREFRONT next to the cleaners, followed by Park Café. It’s one of those average, neighborhood diner places, one of those places where when you’re looking for a place to eat, you’ll end up at after the phrase “You want to just go to the diner?”

You might just say, “Fuck it. I don’t feel like diner food. That shit gives me the runs” and go next door to Y & B Food Market instead. It’s a bodega, but with a deli/sandwich-dispensing counter in the back, so you’re covered.

Since there weren’t enough dry cleaners on this block, Green Apple Cleaners opened up next door to Y&B earlier this month. I mean, I’m no Verminous Skumm, but I’ll be damned if when I actually do dry clean my clothes, I give a moment of thought to the environmental impact of doing so.

At the end of the block there’s another realtor, Ideal Properties Group. They have two slightly-funny commercials on their website, both which hinge on the humor of bodily fluids & are on Youtube, so they’re hip to what the kids are into.

The right-hand side begins on the corner with Prospect Gardens Pharmacy [PICTURED ABOVE]. Neighborhood pharmacies like this are becoming few & far between, especially ones with hanging signs out front that appear to be pocked with bullet holes.

Plaza Cleaners, the third cleaners on this block, is next to the pharmacy. Seriously. Three dry cleaners on the same block? Is there really a call for it? I guess we’ll see soon enough.

If it wasn’t for the next business, Roma Pizza, this week’s Block-Off! would’ve gone Italian-free. The food’s tasty enough, but the Health Department seems to have it in for them, especially after a recent inspection, so I’m actually a bit frightened.

As we near the end of the block, there’s Leaf N Bean, who’s been serving Brooklyn since the early seventies, so I’m assuming that they know coffee by now. Now all they need to do to really make it big is release Paul McCartney’s next album.

After it, there’s a stretch with TWO EMPTY STOREFRONTS, and then the block ends with Ace Supermarket. All I can say about this place is that the outside makes it look like some sort of neighborhood Mecca for beer & while they do have a respectable beer selection, a Mecca it is not. It does have that roundish lil’ register near the front though. That shit’s pretty cool. THE END.

Sweet. It’s still April 20th for five more minutes...five more minutes for me to act like it matters either way.

Left-hand side:
Bank of America, 94 7th Ave
Amin Indian Restaurant, 92 7th Ave, 718 638 6033
Yogo Monster, 90 7th Ave, 718-230-7107
7th Ave Wine & Liquors Co., 88 7th Ave, 718- 399-3300
Brooklyn Valet Cleaners, 86 7th Ave, 718-857-5000
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 84 7th Ave
Park Café, 82 7th Ave, 718-399-0957
Y & B Food Market, 80 7th Ave, 718-230-7553
Green Apple Cleaners, 78 7th Ave, 718-799-5015
Ideal Properties Group, 78 7th Ave, 718-840-2757

Right-hand side:
Prospect Gardens Pharmacy, 89 7th Ave, 718-638-4053
Plaza Cleaners, 87 7th Ave, 718-857-9898
Roma Pizza, 85 7th Ave, 718-783-7334
Leaf N Bean, 83 7th Ave, 718-638-5791
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 81 7th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 79 7th Ave
Ace Supermarket, 77 7th Ave, 718-783-3806

Scoring
Bonuses – One Thirty Year Old Place with Coffee, One Neighborhood Pizza Joint
Shames – Three Empty Storefronts, One Evil Bank, One Expensive Frozen Yogurt Place, Three Dry Cleaners

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM PRESIDENT ST TO UNION ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.