BLOCK-OFF! 7th Ave [btwn 5th & 4th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 2nd & 1st]

Holy crap! It’s friggin' June already! I know that it happens pretty much every year after Memorial Day, but I’ve been so busy trying to sweep visions of Sunday night’s sub-par Breaking Bad season finale out of my head that I plum didn’t even see it coming. Still, I can’t seem to shake the fact that one of my top-five TV shows totally left me underwhelmed. They give us twelve episodes of crazy cancer-having, Chemistry-teaching, meth-dealing awesomeness & then they end with that thirteenth episode? At least the shit that blew up in the season finale of LOST was part of the plot.

Since I need you to feel the totally justified inner torment that I’m experiencing at the hands of a TV Chemistry teacher, we’ll be visiting two blocks with schools of their own this week. We’re heading on down to 7th Ave to pit the block between 5th & 4th against the one between 2nd & 1st.

In the spirit of the specter that’s haunting my soul, one block will take on the meth-cooking, Macgyveresque persona of Walter White, while the other will represent his family man & Chemistry teaching side. They’ll cook a ton of colorful "Blue Sky" & try to poison insane Mexican drug dealers & almost die in the desert and by the end of it all, we’ll be left with nothing but a feeling of emptiness. Sigh. Let the dual-existence, Southwestern-tinged, meth-fueled judging begin!

7th Ave from 5th St to 4th St:
We begin on the left-hand side of our first block with an EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be La Bagel Delight until they moved on down the street to their new, crazy big digs.

The first business on the block is Knotting Slope, which I guess is sort of like that crappy movie with Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts, but with more rugs & assorted stuff.

Luckily, this week, we only have one wireless store in the Block-Off!—AT&T Wireless. I’ll probably never forgive AT&T Wireless for all their years of shitty service. It’s okay though, because unlike with Time Warner, if my service sucks, I can just go with somebody else. I’m feeling ya, Amanda. Right in the fucking face.

If you’ve been thinking about getting yourself a dog or a cat, there’s 4 & A Tail, our next stop on the block. They run a non-for-profit animal rescue shelter & there are always pets in need of homes, so I suggest heading down here & picking up a good six or seven cats. It’d really help you develop an image.

Then there’s Firefly, a children’s boutique that also has a location in the city, on Front St. If you’re one of those types that likes it when your breedlings look all cute & whatnot, Firefly has all sorts of kids clothing that you’d probably lose your shit over.

When you’re done losing your shit, you should get your hair did. You could hang a left out the front door of Firefly and head into Plaza Hair Stylist, but there are a ton of other salons in Park Slope and it’s been good walking weather recently.

If you want to give the gift that says, “Hey. Here’s a gift,” the next place—Lumiere Gift Shop—is perfect for you, although it’s a bit dark for a place named after the French word for “light.”

It’s followed up by the Japanese stylings of Shinju II, which replaced Inaka Sushi House late last year. In Japanese, “shinju” means “double-suicide,” like some Romeo & Juliet type shit. This is Shinju II, so that’s like double the double suicide! A forbidden foursome at odds with societal conventions!…so tragic.

This side ends with Grecian Corner, a Greek diner that is officially my least favorite diner in Park Slope…pretty sure I won’t go here ever again. I took a poll & seven out of seven Shawns agree…Grecian Corner is wack.

The right-hand side of the block is taken up entirely by the Secondary School For Law, Journalism & Research (formerly John Jay High). The school’s made up of three campuses & around 1000 students in grades 6-10. I’ve never been inside, but outside, above the front doors, there’s this huge-ass creepy gargoyle. If I remember correctly, this symbolizes our legal system.

Left-hand side:
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 244 7th Ave
Knotting Slope, 242A 7th Ave, 718-832-2628
AT&T Wireless, 242 7th Ave, 718 369 3292
4 & A Tail, 240 7th Ave, 718-832-2717
Firefly, 240 7th Ave, 718-965-3535
Plaza Hair Stylist, 238 7th Ave, 718-788-8713
Lumiere Gift Shop, 238 7th Ave, 718-369-1082
Shinju II, 236 7th Ave, 718-788-0083
Grecian Corner, 234 7th Ave, 718-788-1478

Right-hand side:
Secondary School For Law, Journalism & Research, 237 7th Ave, 718-965-8430

Scoring
Bonuses – One Animal Shelter, One Tragically Tasty Sushi Joint
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Sub-Par Diner

7th Ave from 2nd St to 1st St:
Our second block also features a school that takes up an entire side of the street—PS 321. Back in NH, we had classy, bucolic names for our elementary schools, names like that of my alma mater, Golden Brook School. There was none of this impersonal letter number stuff like they have here in NYC. I know some people think it’s cool to be like, “NO WAY! YOURE CUZIN GO TO PS 321! ME TOO!!! OMG!!! ))<>((,“ but I’ll take my peaceful, rural school name any day of the week.

Every Saturday & Sunday, from 9-6, the PS 321 Antique Flea Market [PICTURED ABOVE] sets up in front of PS 321. You can pick up all sorts of high-quailty flea market garb here—rugs, furniture, clothes—all items you’ll need to replace the stuff that got ruined during that “accidental stabbing” in your living room.

The other side of the street begins with an EMPTY STOREFRONT that’s followed by a Met Food Market. It’s your typical crappy Brooklyn supermarket, but a little nicer because it’s in Park Slope. If you ain’t met a food you didn’t like…well, you know.

Next up is Dashing Diva, a franchise nail salon with a ton of worldwide locations, eight of which are here in New York. If you’re a prima donna, then this is obviously the place for you. You should go here & then go home & bathe in Evian or yell at your maid or some shit.

In the long-ass name department, we have our first restaurant on the block, Famous Pino's Laforchetta & Pizzeria Restaurant. On the outside, it’s basically your average neighborhood pizza joint, but the food here’s definitely above average. In the spirit of its name, I give it four out of five forks.

After it, there’s Grand Canyon, a diner that’s the self-proclaimed “home of the 7 oz. Burger.” I’ve had a few burgers here & definitely enjoyed them. I wouldn’t call them a national monument, but they’ve been around since the eighties, so they get props.

There’s a hair salon—Medusa—on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Given their name, I assume that they can whip you up a hair style that’s both beautiful & deadly…that is, until somebody chops your head off & uses it as a weapon.

I hear the real estate market’s going to pick up any day now, once Obama’s magic pixie dust starts taking hold. If you have a few million to blow, now’s the time to invest in real estate. As such, I suggest the only realtor in this week’s competition—Townsley & Gay Real Estate. OOMPR.

As we near the end of the block, we come to Sweet Melissa Patisserie, one of two Brooklyn locations featuring tons of treats, perfect for stuffing your face with. Due to an unfortunately insane high-school relationship with a large-haired girl bearing the same name, I’ve steered clear of the place, but it’s been 15+ years, so I should probably just get the fuck over it already. It’s not like she works there & will start stalking me again if she notices me.

The block ends with this week’s only laundromat—Laundromat. I read somewhere that laundromats are great places to meet people, so this summer, if you find yourself here, don’t be shy. Strike up a conversation with a fellow laundry mate. Comment on their choice of detergent. Mention their unmentionables. If you’re lucky, by nighttime, you’ll be defiling those very same sheets that you just finished cleaning.

Left-hand side:
PS 321, 180 7th Ave, 718-499-2412
PS 321 Antique Flea Market, 180 7th Ave

Right-hand side:
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 187 7th Ave
Met Food Market, 185 7th Ave, 718-468-4992
Dashing Diva, 183 7th Ave, 718-832-2011
Famous Pino's Laforchetta & Pizzeria Restaurant, 181 7th Ave, 718-965-4020
Grand Canyon, 179 7th Ave, 718-499-3660
Medusa, 177 7th Ave, 718-965-3999
Townsley & Gay Real Estate, 177 7th Ave, 718-832-2669
Sweet Melissa Patisserie, 175 7th Ave, 718-788-2700
Laundromat, 173 7th Ave

Scoring
Bonuses – One Acceptable Flea Market, One Above-Average Pizza Joint, One Face-Stuffing Joint
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One-Lamely Named Laundromat

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM 2ND ST TO 1ST ST

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.