BLOCK-OFF! 7th Ave [btwn 15th & 14th] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 14th & 13th]
parowpyro | Tuesday, February 24, 2009 at 7:07AM 
In last week’s Block-Off!, I brought together two of Park Slope’s more presidential blocks and proved that Boatman Jim was obviously much better than The Great Emancipator. This week, there’s no special holiday for me to create a clever theme around and the Oscars, despite all their attempts to be so, are not actually inspiring, so I’ve decided to go forgo a theme this week. I’ve also decided to forgo proper judgment & pants.
This week, I’m featuring two blocks on the Park Slope/Windsor Terrace border, 7th Ave between 15th St and 14th St and between 14th and 13th St. With no theme to focus on, it is my intention that the two blocks will wander as aimlessly as a Deadhead post-1995 and eventually, one will catch the other one unawares & smack that bitch up with a $4 tin-foil wrapped veggie burrito, leaving one block standing & one block totally bummed out and covered in tofu. Let the mistakenly now slightly-themed unthemed judging begin!
7th Avenue from 15th St to 14th St:
Heading north toward Flatbush Ave, the first business on the left-hand side is Ten Japanese. If I remember correctly, I had some sort of mango roll the only time I’ve been there and it was good & fruity. I love mangoes…and melons…and knockers…and bazongas…not torpedoes though…too pointy.
Next on the block is Grab, which carries a bunch of gourmet & specialty foods. I’m a die-hard Bierkraft fan, so I haven’t really given Grab its due, but they do have craft beers & chocolates & stuff and are a half-mile closer to my apartment, which could help when I’m feeling like a lazy drunk with a fancy sweet tooth…plus, I think their name implies that you can just take stuff, which is also convenient.
After that is Slope Cellars, a wine store that also has gallery type stuff going on at times. Let me tell you, there are so many wine stores in this borough & I’m all the way down on 4th & 21st and there are so many wine stores in between here & Slope Cellars that I would actually have to like wine to travel here. On Yelp, this dude Ethan M was totally talking about how he lives across the street from this place. I wouldn’t expect him to come down to my local wine store on purpose is all I’m saying.
Then there’s Little D Eatery, which offers Mediterranean/Meze inspired food. The food sounds pretty tasty, but their logo looks like a toilet.
There’s a RESIDENTIAL BUILDING next to Little D and then there’s Spa Boutique Nails, a fairly new addition to the neighborhood. This weekend, when I was walking through the neighborhood scanning the blocks, I got a phone call from my mother and stood outside of here while finishing up my conversation. While I did so, the women inside gave me funny looks.
Parker's Place is next to Spa Boutique and offers day care for all you breeders out there. It’s one of three alliterate-named day cares that they have in Brooklyn, along with Rory’s Room (in Kensington) and Hudson’s House (in Carroll Gardens). I’m pretty sure it’s also run by the father of the guy who wrote the Ghostbusters song.
Little kids love pizza! Anthony’s Brick Oven Pizza is a Zuul-free Neapolitan style restaurant next door to Parker’s with a homey-looking brick interior. As referenced in its name, some of these bricks are in the shape of an oven.
Toy Space is next to Anthony’s and has a bunch of cool, non-toxic, better-for-your-kid toys…and a rocket-shaped logo. One of the toys in the window is the 42nd Street Shuttle Loop and Terminal Train Set. It’s just like the real thing but smaller and less packed with sweaty Oklahomans trying to get to Mary Poppins. Also, it promises to be “safe, sturdy and fun,” which is something that the actual MTA will never ever ever be able to promise.
The last business on this side of the block is Susan Bowen Photography. Susan Bowen creates cool ass “overlapping multiple exposure panoramas, which she shoots with a plastic camera.” It just sounds artsy, doesn’t it?
The right-hand side of the block begins with Salon Bohemia, which dubs itself “Park Slope’s original multicultural salon.” Why am I impressed by this? I’m impressed because my flat ass blonde whitey hair is likely the easiest hair to cut ever, so I can’t even fathom what people with other hair types have to endure. It’s not like I’m sheltered, it’s just that I don’t have that many conversations about hair with my multicultural friends…or my non-multicultural friends for that matter.
Next to Bohemia below a sky blue awning is one of the two Lily locations in Brooklyn. The one in Cobble Hill is the original one, but due to its location, is inherently lamer than the one on 7th Ave.
Meshimar Antiques is after that. Sorry, but this place just doesn’t appeal to me. I've never “gone antiquing.” Never once have I said to myself, “I want something old” without referring to a whiskey, a musical selection or a hot cougar at the end of the bar.
Slope Suds is a “salon and soap bar” located next to Meshimar. I was checking out their website and looking at their “team,” intending to judge them and give the one I thought was cutest some sort of virtual award, but in doing so, I discovered that a girl who I “hung out with” for a brief period of time and lent a bunch of my favorite books to but never got them back works there, so I abandoned that idea…small world.
In between Slope Suds and the next business is an EMPTY LOT, which you should stay out of because the sign tells you to, unless you’re The Five Man Electrical Band or Tesla and exhibit blatant disdain for signs.
Hand of Glory Tattoo Studio is next to the empty lot. I’ve gone 34+ years without getting a tattoo but my younger brother has a skeletal fetus tattooed on his stomach & Edward Gorey tattoos on his arms & a bunch of other tattoos all over the place, so I’ve always wanted one. Now, the only thing holding me back is my age. 34…too old for a first tattoo? On a related TOTALLY WICKED HYPOTHETICAL note, 34…too old to learn how to ride a bike?
For those looking to clean your favorite Houston Rockets jersey, there’s Yao's Cleaners. You can also get your Stephon Marbury jersey cleaned here, but since the Knicks suck and Marbury is a spoiled penis face who doesn’t actually play, it’s probably best for you to just throw it out or burn it and call it a day.
When you’ve finished your NBA-endorsed cleaning, Beer Table is next door. Full disclosure: I had no idea this place even existed until this weekend. As a beer snob, this is entirely inexcusable, so to punish myself, I watched The Oscars in their entirety…every fucking fawning Slumdog-pounding minute of them.
BTW, I heard Slumdog Millionaire helps old ladies cross the street all the time & does 1000 pushups every morning & got a 1600 on its SATs. Anyway, Beer Table features an always-changing menu of tasty craft beers and on Sundays they have brunch here, so now that I now it is here, I’m assuming they might be my new friends.
When you’re done drinking tasty beer at Beer Table and want to get baked (goods) & an O-ring or two, you can head next door to Parco.
Next door...new rule for the 09...if you open a laundromat, you have to call it something better than Laundromat, especially if it's three doors down from another laundromat. You hear that Laundromat? It’s like you didn’t even try.
The last business on the right-hand side of the block is La Dolce Vita Gourmet Deli. It’s a bodega that, as the name suggests, is like a Fellini film but with more snacks and less paparazzi.
Left-hand side:
Ten Japanese, 440 7th Ave, 718-768-9888
Grab, 438 7th Ave, 718-369-7595
Slope Cellars, 436 7th Ave, 718-369-7307
Little D Eatery, 434 7th Ave, 718-369-3144
RESIDENCE, 432 7th Ave
Spa Boutique Nails, 430 7th Ave, 718-788-3808
Parker's Place, 428 7th Ave, 718-499-2080
Anthony’s Brick Oven Pizza, 426A 7th Ave, 718-369-8315
Toy Space, 426 7th Ave, 718-369-9096
Susan Bowen Photography, 424 7th Ave, 718-965-4138
Right-hand side:
Salon Bohemia, 437 7th Ave, 718-788-8750
Lily, 435 7th Ave, 718-832-1805
Meshimar Antiques, 433 7th Ave, 718-499-5731
Slope Suds, 433 7th Ave, 718-788-7837
EMPTY LOT, 431 7th Ave
Hand of Glory Tattoo Studio, 429 7th Ave, 718-832-5020
Yao's Cleaners, 429 7th Ave, 718-369-0788
Beer Table, 427B 7th Ave, 718-965-1196
Parco, 427 7th Ave, 718-499-6997
Laundromat, 425 7th Ave
La Dolce Vita Gourmet Deli, 423 7th Ave
Scoring
Bonuses – One Photo Studio, Zero Empty Storefronts, One Assumed Hidden Beer Paradise, Two Seemingly-positive Breeder Establishments
Shames – One Toilet Logo, One Lame-named Establishment
7th Avenue from 14th St to 13th St:
This block begins with Cafe Steinhof, which features “Austrian Comfort Food”& a crazy bird logo. Seriously, I am a total bitch for having not eaten here yet. According to their website, “’going to Steinhof’ in Vienna also jokingly means ‘losing one’s mind.’” [INSERT INSANE CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JOKE HERE].
Watana Thai Restaurant follows Café Steinhof. They used to have a BYOB set-up, but that’s no more, so I’m not sure why you’d choose this place over any of the other Thai restaurants…except for Lemongrass Grill, which you should just avoid out of principle & to support my recent unjustified vendetta against them.
After an EMPTY STOREFRONT is the District Office of NY State Assemblyman Jim Brennan. He represents a good portion of the Park Slope area and historically, he’s been a champion for the mentally ill & disabled, with legislation that improved both housing & health insurance for them. That’s a good thing.
He was running for New York City Comptroller but dropped out near the end of last year because he wasn’t raising enough money for the campaign. I think he should've run on $500 & been all "look how far I can stretch a dollar! You should totally make me your comptroller."
There’s a RESIDENTIAL BUILDING next to his office.
The next business on the block gets me thinking. I’m pretty sure that my upper left wisdom tooth is going to fall out of my face like something out of a bad dream any day. I’ve been foolishly avoiding dentists for some time now and since I haven’t actually picked one, maybe I should pay Jack Irwin, DDS a visit ASAP. I mean, the dude’s been practicing about as long as I’ve been alive, so he must be doing something right.
John P Burke Realty is next to the dentist’s office. The window offers postings for apartments that I can actually afford, which blows my friggin’ mind. $1300 for a 2 bedroom in Kensington? Really? Does it even have windows? Mr. Burke is also the guy to call if you want to rent the empty space on the right hand corner of 14th St & 7th Ave. Speaking of empty spaces, there’s another EMPTY STOREFRONT right next to his office.
Then there’s Dreamscape Group Travel Agency. Their haphazard awning is yellow & dirty & quite frankly, makes me want to get away & not in the way that they want me too.
Comprehensive Pain Management Center is the last business on the block. It’s run by two doctors who went to Mount Sinai, which is my nerd doctor sister’s alma mater. Based on what makes up the rest of the block, I’m going to count that as a thumbs up, because there aren’t that many more bright spots left.
The other side of the block starts with another EMPTY STOREFRONT and Nikibi Studio, where you can go to get smiling portraits of your breeder offspring.
Investors Real Estate is after Nikibi Studio. This place looks dusty & old & withered and not unlike a flaccid, 70-year old penis. Even the EMPTY STOREFRONT next to it looks more erect.
After this block’s fourth empty storefront is Music Matters. I went in there on Sunday & the dude working was on the phone talking about Beirut, which is always a good sign. The other good sign is that when I was done with my browsing & heading for the door, he put down the phone to see if there was anything I was looking for. You won’t get that kind of customer service at a Virgin Megastore unless it’s as a security measure. Nonetheless, I am consistently baffled that CD and record stores like this can afford to stay open.
Néda, a boutique named after the owner, has fancy clothes for the ladies and follows Music Matters. On a name-related note, this week happens to be NEDAwareness week.
The next business on the block, Sweet Charity, is a boutique offering colorful, random gifts & house wares. A portion of their proceeds go to two animal rescue charities—Best Friends and Farm Sanctuary—so if you buy a pillow or something for moms, you can also help a cat or a cow.
After that, there’s another EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Maggie’s Threads For Kids. Seriously, what happened to this block? It’s sadder than Jack Nicholson thinking he can still act. Boom. Roasted.
The fifth empty storefront on this block is followed by La Belle Unisex. I refuse to acknowledge this place until they clean up the sloppy grammar & scattered italics on their website.
Apple Laundry is adjacent to the non-existent salon. This is what I was talking about with not naming your laundromat “Laundromat.” At least the owners of this place put a good 30-40 seconds of thought to their name.
The block ends with From Head to Toe, a hair salon that I’m not instantly intimidated by, which means that they’re a definite candidate to replace Supercuts once I stop suckling at their teat.
Left-hand side:
Cafe Steinhof, 422 7th Ave, 718-369-7776
Watana, 420 7th Ave, 718-832-1544
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 418 7th Ave
NY State Assembly District Office – Jim Brennan, 416 7th Ave, 718-788-7221
RESIDENCE, 414A 7th Ave
Jack Irwin, DDS, 414 7th Ave, 718-768-8372
John P Burke Realty, 414 7th Ave, 718-768-1001
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 412 7th Ave
Dreamscape Group Travel Agency, 410 7th Ave
Comprehensive Pain Management Center, 408 7th Ave, 718-832-0885
Right-hand side:
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 419 7th Ave
Nikibi Studio, 417A 7th Ave, 718-369-1244
Investors Real Estate, 417 7th Ave, 718-768-1469
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 415 7th Ave
Music Matters, 413B 7th Ave, 718-369-7087
Néda, 413A 7th Ave, 718-965-0990
Sweet Charity, 411 7th Ave, 718-965-9200
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 411 7th Ave
La Belle Unisex, 409 7th Ave, 718-788-7708
Apple Laundry, 409 7th Ave, 718-965-4653
From Head to Toe, 407 7th Ave, 718-499-9609
Scoring
Bonuses – One Seemingly-positive Assemblyman, One Record Store, One Charity-supporting Business
Shames – FIVE Empty Storefronts, One Establishment with Sloppy Website Grammar, Way Too Many Businesses I Have No Need For
BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVENUE FROM 15TH STREET TO 14TH STREET
Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.blogspot.com.
-->
Reader Comments (3)
I like that you link Neda to an eating disorder website since they don't carry anything larger than an 8 in there. P.S. It's also closing.
Ever eat at Anthony's? The portions are so small there, it's almost comical. Tiny plates, little glasses...even the waiters were short when I went there. Rip-offfffffff.
Viva Peppino's on 5th Ave and 9th St or Enzo in Windsor Terrace (near the Pavilion)!
My block FTW! w00t!
Beer Table is spendy but amazing. If you want a craft beer experience, expertly tourguided by the owner or his wife (sister? wife?), you can not go wrong. Unless you're broke. In which case stay away because you will spend your face off.
Toy Space is actually a remarkably full-service, not-absurdly-crunchy toy store for a tiny PS storefront.
It's on the "losing" block, but Steinhof is amazing - best Brunch in the neighborhood, for my money, and never ridiculously crowded. Goulash nights on Monday with only goulash or trout available, for $6. Awesome.
Great article, great series, and a fun read. Well done!