BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn Sackett/Berkeley & Degraw/Lincoln] vs. 7th Ave [btwn 1st & Garfield]

image via BrownstonerWe’re back, bitchez! The Block-Off! And I took the last week off & stayed in bed with a mound of our preferred drug, cuddling & occasionally showering & just enjoying each other’s company…Week-Off!

This week, we’re back to fill the void in your hearts. Official Summer Solstice date be damned— Monday was Memorial Day and it’s basically summer now, so we’re back out & about, honoring people & grilling shit.

To celebrate this memorious holidation, we’ll be visiting 5th Ave from Sackett/Berkeley to Degraw/Lincoln and 7th Ave from 1st to Garfield. One of the blocks will represent all the young men throughout the years who have died for old men’s ideas and the other will represent propane fumes, tiny flags & an inordinate amount of Budweiser. As the two blocks struggle for control of the Memorial Day ideals, both will likely end up sunburned, dehydrated & intoxicated with cheap beer & BBQ, but only one will be left standing as the other is memorialized, probably through drinking. Let the non-date specific, skewly-Patriotic, cookoutasmic judging begin!

5th Ave from Sackett St/Berkeley Pl to Degraw St/Lincoln Pl:
If you’re feeling hungry like the wolf, you should check out the first place in this week’s competition—Lobo. It’s one of two Brooklyn locations (the other in Cobble Hill) featuring Tex-Mex food. Spicy wolf kabobs are not available.

Celine NY comes after Lobo. I suppose you could get a handbag or some other such thing here, but I’m pretty sure you’d have to enjoy the theme from the Titanic in order to do so, which is a scary thought.

If you’re of the female persuasion & are looking to get out & do some walking this summer, you can pick up a pair of shoes next door at Soula. The shoes there seem to be more of the comfortable variety than the fancy, ankle-breaking variety, so that works for the whole summer walking thing.

“Here’s your sorted sordid laundry!” “You need change?” “We couldn’t get the stain out of your assless chaps.” No matter what the situation, the folks at the next place—Happy Cleaners—are obligated to be as pleased as a graham addict at a pie-eating contest when dealing with you. If they don’t, it’s fraud.

Then there’s Mee Thai, which I haven’t tried yet (so many Thai places, so little time) but I’ve both heard & read good things about. It’s BYOB, which sounds like it’d go perfectly with their Drunken Man Noodle.

Next to Mee Thai is an odd space occupied by the Sock Man. Basically, there’s an emptied out space with a bunch of socks stuck up on the outside front wall, available for purchase. I’m often in the market for new socks & am both intrigued & scared by the idea of securing said socks through an unconventional distribution method such as this. As such, I’m pretty sure I’m going to make my next sock purchase here.

The strangeness continues next door at Monkey Whistles & Motor Bikes. First off, the place is called “Monkey Whistles & Motor Bikes.” Second off, the place is called “Monkey Whistles & Motor Bikes.” It was started by someone who got her start in Allston, MA, where I spent a bit of my college life, so although I’m not really in the market for a random record or item of clothing, they have my support.

Fifth Eye Optix, this block’s eye care representative, follows it. Based on their name, I’m assuming that you can have some pretty serious space alien shit going on with your eyes and they can still help you out.

Since the USPS is pretty much one big clusterfuck here in NYC, you can avoid it with places like Mailboxes on 5th Ave by having your care packages & exotic sex toys sent here.

As we near the end of this side of the block, we come to Arecibo, which, of the car services in Park Slope, probably has my current vote for tops. I mean, shit, they’ve got coverage in both NY Mag and here on FIPS. That says something about them. I’m not sure what exactly, but it’s probably something profound about the future of journalism & blogging & all that crap.

Our first bodega—Degraw Grocery—comes at the end of this side of the block. It’s like 75% of bodegas in Park Slope, with drinks and a few healthy snacks here & there, but with a twist—it’s on Degraw…says so right there in the name.

The other side starts up with another bodega, 5th Avenue Market. If you’re walking north on 5th Ave, you can’t help but notice the entire south-facing wall is one big window of chips. For a junk food addict like myself, it’s akin to putting a porn addict in front of a Hooters billboard.

After an APARTMENT BUILDING, there’s Patio Lounge. It’s true—they have a patio of sorts here. Also true—the lounge thing. As long as it’s not packed, it’s a pretty cool neighborhood bar.

As far as Japanese food goes, the next place—Kiku [PICTURED ABOVE]—has got a lot of my business over the years. There’s just something about the green neon sign out front that makes it seem classier than the other sushi joints. Plus, “Kiku,” sounds like some sexy anime character.

Our only religious establishment this week—Iglesia Pentecostal Jesus Christos—comes after Kiku. They worship some form of Christianity here, but it’s like more Spanish & stuff.

If you’re looking for art supplies or a place to dump your breedling for a while, The Artful Place can help. In addition to having art classes for the little ones, they have classes for adults—perfect for both bridal showers & midlife crises.

The newest addition to the block is Lugo Photography, a clean-looking photo boutique that opened up just last weekend. They appear to do a lot of wedding & breedling photography, but I bet you could come up with some other reason to get them to take photos of you…something that doesn’t involve you taking off your pants this time.

It’s that time of year at the next business, Gemini Treasures. As of last Thursday, it’s Gemini month, which means, astrologically, if you’re a compatible Libra or Aquarius, you should really check the place out. Maybe you can meet the man or woman of your dreams there, fall in love & make batshit crazy astrology babies.

You can find a lot of random, neat little gifts next door at Pink Olive Boutique, one of two Pink Olive locations (along with its East Village location). As one who was reared on the tales of Richard Scarry, I was pretty psyched to see that they have Richard Scarry’s Biggest Word Book Ever!, featuring Lowly Worm on the cover…totally retro!

The block ends with Babouche, which technically has an entrance on Lincoln Pl, but is being included anyhow because it has a sweet-looking interior and there’s not much else to review on Lincoln Pl as it is. They serve Moroccan food, which is unique to the neighborhood and their name kinda sorta reminds me of that Pakistani guy on Seinfeld. Wasn’t that so funny how Jerry killed his business & got him deported? Oh, racial comedy.

Left-hand side:
Lobo, 186 5th Ave, 718-636-8886
Celine NY, 186 5th Ave, 718-398-0300
Soula, 184 5th Ave, 718-230-0038
Happy Cleaners, 182 5th Ave, 718-789-8900
Mee Thai, 180 5th Ave, 718- 230-8280
Sock Man, 178 5th Ave
Monkey Whistles & Motor Bikes, 176 5th Ave
Fifth Eye Optix, 172 5th Ave, 718-857-3700
Mailboxes on 5th Ave, 172 5th Ave, 718-638-8225
Arecibo, 170 5th Ave, 718-783-6465
Degraw Grocery, 168 5th Ave, 718-398-8167

Right-hand side:
5th Avenue Market, 183 5th Ave, 718-230-8050
APARTMENT BUILDING, 181 5th Ave
Patio Lounge, 179 5th Ave, 718-857-3477
Kiku, 177 5th Ave, 718-638-3366
Iglesia Pentecostal Jesus Christos, 175 5th Ave, 718-965-2923
The Artful Place, 171 5th Ave, 718-399-8199
Lugo Photography, 169 5th Ave, 718-230-3102
Gemini Treasures, 169A 5th Ave
Pink Olive Boutique, 167 5th Ave, 718-398-2016
Babouche, 165 5th Ave, 718-636-2100

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, No Cell Phone Places, One Decent Car Service
Shames – One Sketchy Sock Place

7th Ave from 1st St to Garfield Pl:
Our second block opens with Artesana Home, which features a selection of handmade rugs & furniture. It’s really nice stuff, the sort of stuff that, for a few thousand dollars, could make you seem worldly.

Next to it is Yamato, one of the tastier sushi joints in Park Slope. It’s the first sushi restaurant I frequented when I first moved to Brooklyn. Back in the day, I used to go to 7th Ave Books (R.I.P.), pick out a book and go sit in Yamato to eat sushi & start reading it. Nowadays, there are closer, comparable sushi places & my loyalties are fickle.

After it is Park Slope Deli & Tobacco, a tiny bodega that has one of those super fun, quarter-operated mechanical pony ride things out front (note: mechanical pony not for use by sober adults).

For the first time in the history of the Block-Off!, we have a Starbucks. Over the years, I’ve actually spent a lot of guilt-filled money at Starbucks, but not at this one, because there’s a Connecticut Muffin right across the friggin’ street. Awesome, Starbucks. My convictions are often wavering, but I‘d much rather give the Muff my money.

Since I have a thing against places with unoriginal names, the next business—Gift & Home Furnishing—gets the Gas Face. They could learn a thing or two about names from the place next door—The Clay Pot.

The Clay Pot has been around for longer than I have (forty years now) and was started by Bob & Sally Silberberg back in 1969. I’m not all that into jewelry, but the stuff in here’s pretty cool. There’s basic stuff, designer stuff, high-end stuff—stuff that I could actually see myself spending money on, likely in the act of trying to impress someone.

What would a Block-Off! be without an Italian restaurant? It'd still be pretty damn awesome, but since Tutta Pasta is the only Italian restaurant in this week’s competition, I’m awarding them my coveted “Best Option” Award. Congrats, Tutta Pasta…you’ve earned it.

If you can be trusted around plants & floral arrangements, you should check out The Park Florist. They’ve been around almost as long as The Clay Pot—since 1972—so I’m assuming that they’ve heard it all. This will bode well for when you go to them with your story about needing something tasteful that says, “sorry I gave you VD.”

If that VD was syphilis, there’s no chance for your poor eyes. If not, there’s still hope, which is where Eyes On The Slope comes in. Sure, their name sounds like the witty nickname of a local news team, but they have eyeglasses here, not breaking news. Maybe if you had a good pair of glasses, you’d see that.

We finish this side of the street with another bodega, Garfield Farm Market. I stop by every once in a while, but I’ve still yet to see that ornery fern-hating cartoon cat in here.

The other side of the block begins with one of my favorite bakery/breakfast places in the city—Connecticut Muffin. There are five locales in Brooklyn & for a while, during an extended period of unemployment, I subsisted on pumpkin muffins & caramel lattes from the one in Bartel Pritchard Square. Sometimes, it was the only reason I left the house. Sad, I know.

Universal Mortgage is above it, but the entrance is on 1st Street, so since it’s OOMPR anyhow, we won’t waste our time on them.

Both Pirate folk & landlubbers alike might find some treasures next door at, um, Treasures. Unfortunately, none of these treasures are buried, so it’s not as cool as it sounds.

This week, we’ve also experienced a dearth of salons in our competition, but luckily, there’s MYR on this block. Since by law, every lady in Park Slope has to look good this summer, you could probably take care of that here…or you can live outside the law. It’s your choice.

Maybe you’re one of those breeders who want your breedlings to look hip at any price. If that’s the case, you can pick up your sassy children’s clothing at Lolli…and then you can go back & buy a whole new wardrobe a few months later when they grow out of the previous one.

Upstairs from it is an Allstate Insurance. In these tough economic times, armed revolution is becoming more & more likely. If you have Allstate Insurance, I’m pretty sure you’re covered if militants storm your brownstone and torch it to the ground.

Can’t get enough of the other boutiques on the block? Call for an encore— Encore Boutique. Actually, I’m not really sure what makes this boutique better than any other one, but if you need more, it’s there.

…and the Cleverest Restaurant Name Ever Award goes to…Pita Pan! It invokes visions of a Middle-Eastern boy who dreams big, never wants to grow up & hangs out with a fairy. Pun-a-riffic!…also good falafel sandwiches.

The block ends with Hanabi, a Japanese-Peruvian restaurant that’s currently closed for renovations and Rancho Alegre, a tiny Tex-Mex place upstairs from it. Rancho Alegre’s entrance is on Garfield, but since I let Babouche in on the fun, I’m including them too. By “including,” I mean that I’m taking this opportunity to play the ultimate lazy card & say that I’d much rather eat at a Tex-Mex place on the ground floor.

Left-hand side:
Artesana Home, 170 7th Ave, 718-369-9881
Yamato, 168 7th Ave, 718-840-0099
Park Slope Deli & Tobacco, 168 7th Ave
Starbucks, 164 7th Ave, 718-369-1213
Gift & Home Furnishing, 162 7th Ave, 718-499-0721
The Clay Pot, 162 7th Ave, 718-788-6464
Tutta Pasta, 160 7th Ave, 718-788-9500
The Park Florist, 158 7th Ave, 718-768-9207
Eyes On The Slope, 158 7th Ave, 718-399-1825
Garfield Farm Market, 158 7th Ave, 718-768-4691

Right-hand side:
Connecticut Muffin, 171 7th Ave, 718-768-6022
Universal Mortgage, 455 1st Street, 718-534-5600
Treasures, 171 7th Ave, 718-768-6292
MYR, 171 7th Ave, 718-768-2771
Lolli, 169 7th Ave, 718-788-2002
Allstate Insurance, 169 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-499-7000
Encore Boutique, 169 7th Ave, 718-768-7939
Pita Pan, 167 7th Ave, 718-832-3876
Hanabi, 161 7th Ave, 718-768-3976
Rancho Alegre, 161 7th Ave (Upstairs), 718-369-2681

Scoring
Bonuses – No Empty Storefronts, No Cell Phone Places, One Tasty Sushi Joint, One Tasty Muffin Shop, Two Long-standing Neighborhood Businesses, One Cleverly-named Business
Shames – One Evil Coffee Joint, One Place Closed for Renovations

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
7TH AVE FROM 1ST TO GARFIELD

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.