BLOCK-OFF! 5th Ave [btwn President & Carroll] vs. 9th St [btwn 5th & 6th]

photo via Betty Blade

Seriously, this weather crap was getting to the point where I was ready cut a bitch up and then all the sudden—BAM! HOLY CRAP! The winter keeled over & died and the sun finally shone over the streets of Park Slope. Scantily clad hotties & others congregated on Prospect Park & hopefully, since I didn’t, they later got laid. It’s possible that the death of winter may have actually happened the week before, but I was "way too involved in the Tuesday holiday” to notice, so I’m going with this week as the start of sunniness.

This week, I’m splitting the Springtime love between 5th Ave from President to Carroll and 9th St from 5th Ave to 6th Ave. As both blocks brush the pile of weed off those gym membership cards & shed layers of clothing & parade down the block to places where they sit outdoor with their mimosas & oversized sunglasses, we, you the reader & I the blogger, will judge them for their wholly superficial qualities. Then we will make out, because it is Spring & love is in the air.

When we are done, one block will meet the guy or girl of his or her dreams and bed that other him or her or possibly multiple hims or hers. The other block will hit on this guy or girl for twenty minutes & then get way too focused on his or her um…way-too-exposed career or breasts & blow the whole thing. Wow. Post-gender terms are so tricky!!! Without further delay, let the partially sweaty, lascivious, sunshine-filled judging begin!

5th Ave from President St to Carroll St:
Our first block begins on the left-hand side with Al di la Trattoria, an Italian joint that supposedly has notoriously long waits coupled with no reservations. Also supposedly, the food there is worth it. As eighth in line to the throne at FIPS, I command the owners of this place to give my seven higher-ups and I their best table, this Friday. Also, the meal should be free.

After the supposed awesomeness/unattainableness, the block sputters a bit with an APARTMENT BUILDING and an EMPTY STOREFRONT. Luckily, there’s the realty excitement of Aguayo & Huebener after them. From this point on, any realty place whose window I have no business looking at will get an abbreviation that designates its unapproachableness—OOMPR (pronounced ‘oomper’). Example: Aguayo & Huebener is OOMPR.

Here’s where we get fancy. Not only does the next place, 5th Ave Bageltique Café, have a TOTALLY FRENCH accent acute, but it also has a “tique” in its name. Basically, by combining the forces of the bagel with the deliciousness of the French, you get breakfast…and the general location is built right into the name, so you’ll eventually find it.

Since it’s friggin' sunshine & moonbeams week on the Block-Off!, the Sunflower Academy, a child care place that takes up a good bit of the rest of the block, gets some sort of bonus points. On the flip side, after college, I moved to Florida with a girl from Kansas who got a sunflower tattoo on her lower back one time when we were home visiting my parents in New Hampshire. That relationship didn’t turn out so well, so bonus points redacted.

Then there’s an APARTMENT BUILDING and another EMPTY STOREFRONT before this side of the street ends with Playa, a Latin American restaurant that opens up to provide an outdoorsy Spring dining experience. If you’re a true playa like me, you’ll have lots of funny jokes about this place’s name. Block-Off! Challenge! If you buy me dinner here, I will tell you ten jokes during the meal. At least 25% are guaranteed to be hits. Hell, that’s better than Yankees first baseman Mark Teiexira can guarantee, and it won’t cost you $20 million.

The other side of the bock begins with Moutarde. We’ve already discussed the crappiness of Moutarde once here at FIPS, but I’d like to share my experience with the place, if I may. Picture it. Sicily, 1929. Park Slope, 2003. My first day on the job as an ad sales rep at NY Press. The newspaper is not yet dead. I live out in Brooklyn, so I end my day going out in the field with a really good but also quite attractive female salesperson whose last sales call of the day is at Moutarde. She’s there to talk about ways to improve his business. He just likes looking at her…figured that out on my first day…and he never did advertise…they’re still open though, which is puzzling.

An EMPTY STOREFRONT that used to be Joe's Shoe Repair follows Moutarde. Next to it is a private club, the His & Hers Social & Athletic Club. I want in. Seriously. My uncle’s a teamster. Plus, I’m a fraternity alumnus, so I’m cool with rituals & stuff. That counts for something, right? Let me in, please.

A fun game that I like to play at the next business, owned by Philip A. Robinson, an electrician, is to peer into the dark, dusty-windowed office & wonder what secrets dwell inside. He should at least rig up a light in there or something; brighten the place up a bit.

The first & only salon on the block, Imagen Unisex, follows the darkness of the electrician. Best salon on the block.

Two boutiques follow it—Allure On Fifth & Eidolon. Both feature women’s fashion & apparel & such, but only one has a mysterious name and a Facebook page.

We have our first breeder-targeted business after the boutiques—a kids’ clothing store—Corduroy Kids. As a child of the seventies & early eighties, I’m confused. Is corduroy cool again? Is that what all the cool kids are wearing now? If so, I need to get going on that breedling thing ASAP, before my parents clean out the attic.

Do people still get their shoes repaired? Last I heard we Americans throw anything that’s broken straight into the garbage heap. I guess people still need shoes fixed though, because the next place, 5th Ave Shoe Repair, is still standing as the only shoe repair destination on this block since Joe’s Shoe repair moved. I’ve yet to catch it open though, so I am going to go out on a limb & assume that the place is a front for elf slave labor.

Diana Kane is next to it & completely elf-free. It’s another boutique offering jewelry & women’s clothing. It’s been open since 2002 and if you don’t think that these people deserve your money, well then you are a cold-hearted snake.

Next door is Scaredy Kat, which has cards & gifts such as those hip Moleskine journals or a plate that says “Smart Women Crave Good Company.” You can serve crackers off it at your next Sex & The City party.

The next place is made up of all this stuff. It’s called Matter, which has something to do with mass & volume & relativity & E=mc2. It’s science. So yeah…Matter is made up of stuff.

The only architect in this week’s Block-Off!—Leonard Colchamiro—is next door. He apparently restored this synagogue in Chinatown, so that’s cool.

This side ends with the Fifth Ave Cat Clinic. Have a feline who can’t kick the H? Is that darn cat blowing 75% of her disability check on catnip? Check her into this clinic before it’s too late.

Left-hand side:
Al di la Trattoria, 248 5th Ave, 718-636-8888
APARTMENT BUILDING, 246 5th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 244 5th Ave
Aguayo & Huebener, 244 5th Ave, 718-622-9300
5th Ave Bageltique Café, 242 5th Ave, 718-636-1836
Sunflower Academy, 238-240 5th Ave, 718-783-0738
APARTMENT BUILDING, 236 5th Ave
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 232 5th Ave
Playa, 230 5th Ave, 718-399-2161

Right-hand side:
Moutarde, 239 5th Ave, 718-623-3600
Joe's Shoe Repair, 237 5th Ave, 718-789-2440
His & Hers Social & Athletic Club, 237 5th Ave
Philip A. Robinson, 235 5th Ave, 718-783-6542
Imagen Unisex, 235 5th Ave, 718 636 7356
Allure On Fifth, 233 5th Ave, 718-622-6120
Eidolon, 233 5th Ave, 718-638-8194
Corduroy Kids, 231 5th Ave, 718-499-0098
5th Ave Shoe Repair, 231 5th Ave, 718-636-6001
Diana Kane, 229 5th Ave, 718-638-6520
Scaredy Kat, 229 5th Ave, 718-623-X139
Matter, 227 5th Ave, 718 230 1150
Leonard Colchamiro, 227 5th Ave
Fifth Ave Cat Clinic, 225 5th Ave, 718-398-1187

Scoring
Bonuses – One In-Demand Restaurant, One Bageltique, One Playa, One Secret Club
Shames – Two Empty Storefronts, One Crappy Restaurant

9th St from 5th Ave to 6th Ave:
The block begins with an entrance to 5th Ave Deli & Smoke Shop, which is technically on 5th Ave & therefore, ineligible. This isn’t Florida State football, so we don’t bend the rules for the ineligible. The first actual business is Dogonet, which from what I can tell does not sell safety mechanisms for your puppy’s trapeze act.

Hate Eleventh St? Arecibo tried to overcharge you? Eastern never showed up? There’s always the next place on the block, Continental Car Service. That’s one of the benefits of living in Park Slope. There are so many damn car services that you can afford to hate on them. There’ll always be another one.

If you hate buying your goods all piecemeal & whatnot & are waiting for a car to show up and take you home, head next door Brooklyn Wholesale-Retail. They like bulk.

Well I’ll be! There’s a Verizon Wireless store on 9th Street. If I can’t get to the other fifty locations to fix my phone, I’ll come here.

Next door is El Viejo Yayo, a cozy-sized Latin American restaurant. It sounds tasty enough and doesn’t look like the kind of place assholes would go to, so it’s ok in my book.

There’s Brothers Oriental Express—a Chinese joint with a buffet-style counter—next door. It’s bright looking & all, but I still haven’t taken a ride on the Brothers Oriental Express. It’s sort of part of a realization I’ve recently come to involving Chinese food & its inherent suckiness.

I went into Atomic Wings for the first time this weekend, picked myself up an order of Jerk BBQ wings & ate the shit out of those things. Like the Buffalo Soldier said, Atomic Wings has a serious identity crisis with the TVs & leather couches. When I ate my wings, it was in the comfort of my own home, where I could sit naked with my wings & get sauce wherever I damn well pleased without worrying about ruining the leather.

Gheith Donia, the next establishment, is an insurance & travel agency, if you have money to blow on either of those things.

Next to it is HSBC, a bank whose slogan should be “Banking crisis? F that. We just raised $17.7 billion to buy up all those shitty banks. Want some of our billions? Bank with us.”

It’s followed by Steve's C-Town Supermarket, which if not for the Associated down near Union, would get my vote for best supermarket on 5th Ave. Call me spoiled, but after the introductory Avenue I area grocery stores of my initial Brooklyn experience, I must feel like I’m in New Hampshire or Cambridge, Mass when I’m doing my grocery shopping. Other than Associated, Steve’s is the closest I can get to that on 5th.

I like to refer to the place next door—PC Tech Computer Services & Center—as the anti-Apple store. There are no blonde wood treatments or NYU students or Steve Jobs shrines anywhere in this place. They could probably fix your computer though.

If they can’t fix your computer & all your Nicole Eggert nudie jpgs are lost, you should head next door to Dram Shop and drink your troubles away. I went here once a few months back with two of my friends, one of who had enchanted a cute Brazilian girl, her visiting brother & his girlfriend. They were looking for dancing. We told them they were probably in the wrong neighborhood but ended up here with us anyhow.

After 15-20 minutes, they decided to try the city & I asked the cute girl if I could get her number. Then, to be all smooth, I asked her brother if it was ok if I got his sister’s number. We all chuckled. Cool as ice cream. She gave me her number. Then I never got up the nerve to call her…good practice though.

If you want some pharmies with your Dram Shop drink, the ol’ neighborhood drugstore—CVS—is next door. CVS has been in my life since it was my childhood parent-approved New England drugstore & this one has a 24 hour thing going on, which is more than I can say for most drug dealers in this city. Plus, I think they have Smartfood & vibrating spinney toothbrushes.

The only business on the block where it’s reputedly “fun to stay at” is the next place, the YMCA Prospect Park [PICTURED ABOVE]. It’s not really that close to Prospect Park, but it’s all good and can probably come in handy if you care about your appearance this Summer.

After the hugeness of the YMCA, there’s a dry cleaner—S & S Cleaners. Spicoli & Slater? Spaghetti & Salmon? Simon & Simon? The possibilities are endless. Try it out & you’ll see. Invite a few friends over this weekend, pick up some pretzels & a bucket of ampersands & watch the fun roll in.

There are a few APARTMENT BUILDINGS before the block ends on the corner with Brooklyn Bicycles, which has its Grand Opening this Friday. Due to a series of coddling parental decisions, I don’t know how to ride a bike. Due to a series of lazy decisions, I don’t prefer physical activity, but you probably do, so you should check it out and support your brand-spanking new neighborhood bike shop.

The right-hand side of the block begins at 5th Ave with D II Discounts. I know there’s all that “economy bad” stuff going on, but it seems like such a waste to have such a bargain basement store occupying such a huge space. The Slope needs a bowling alley and other than the employees who will lose their jobs if they aren’t suited for bowling alley work, I don’t think anybody would complain if we closed down D II in favor of one.

Upstairs from it is a NYSC, one of many branches of the gym, which has locales throughout NYC, Boston, Philadelphia and D.C. As I mentioned, Spring is here, which means it’s time to look hot. I’m assuming that if you join now & give them the next two years of your life, you’ll get some sort of discount that you will regret come October when the economy really tanks. The upside? You’ll have a body fit for porn.

When the next place opened, the folks at Creative Hair & Spa focused their creativity so heavily on the hair & the nice two-story décor that they had nothing left to give when it came figuring out a clever name, so they went with what they had. The rest is history.

H & R Block reminds you that they’re next door to Creative Hair & Spa, but if you need them, they’ll be in St. Thomas or something because tax season is totally over, ch-ump.

After that, the block starts to become what I like to refer to as my neighborhood “medical row,” starting with Dental Center of Park Slope. The name says it all. As one of four dental businesses on this block, it’s definitely part of the dental center of the hood.

Allstate Insurance Company is upstairs from it. You’re going to wish you talked to these dudes once that swine flu becomes airborne.

Hell, if the swine flu takes to the skies, there’s the Park Slope Medical Center right next to the insurance company. They can probably do something for you here.

When the swine flu spreads to your eyes, 9th Street Optical probably can’t do anything for you at that point, but they can probably get you a pair of frames that somewhat obscure your puffy, rotting eyes.

Another dentist comes after 9th St Optical—A Gentle Dental Touch. It does sound preferable to “A Jarring, Stabby Touch,” so that’s a good choice of name.

There’s another dentist next door—Anthony Esposito. I checked & unfortunately, he is not the former Blackhawks goaltender. He can probably stop the slap shot of gingivitis though.

Upstairs from Tony E. is a business with a TOTALLY MEMORABLE name—Law Offices. I’m just saying. When I need to fight for what’s mine, I’m not going to think of them. I’m going to think of that dude with the boxing leprechaun.

9th St Launderette Cleaners are located next door to Tony E. They couldn’t afford a “th” in their signage, so it looks like “9st Launderette Cleaners,” which is both visually & verbally unsettling.

If you’re like me, you keep breaking the tile in your apartment with a sledgehammer & that breaks the terms of your lease. Lucky for us, A&K Tile Studio is located about halfway up the block and can fulfill all your tile needs. According to their website, their customers are number one, which is good. I hate it when I have to play second fiddle to the distributors.

This is where the block’s business names really get really creative. There’s Foot Care, the first of two foot care businesses on the block and its neighbor, Accounting/Income Tax Returns.

After an EMPTY STOREFRONT and a long row of APARTMENT BUILDINGS, the next business is also foot-related—Herbert C. Schmirer, Podiatrist. Herb’s been around for some thirty years and has a degree in feet, which is a pretty cool degree when you think about it…way better than a stupid film degree.

The Ninth Street Physical Therapy Center is next. Thank god they found a place on 9th St or that name would’ve sounded quite stupid.

There’s another doctor’s office after the therapy center—NY Total Medical Care. Judging by the name, they don’t examine you and then ask you to leave. They also tell you their diagnosis & whatnot.

The next business is Bravo Shoe Repair, which is located in between TWO SETS OF APARTMENT BUILDINGS. I asked around & it is in no way affiliated with G.E. or Carson Kressley.

Ninth Street Dental Assoc is dentist #4 on this side of the street. I tell you what…barring any dental emergencies, when I finally run out of blocks to pit against each other & this ridiculous Block-Off! tomfoolery finally comes to an end, I’m putting all the dentists’ names in a hat. By that time, I should be ready to accept my fate & visit the dentist, so if I pull out your name first & you accept my dental coverage, you will get to design my false teeth.

The last business on the block is Doctor's Office, which has a crisp hunter green awning that complements the classiness of its name & matches the awning of its neighbor, Ninth Street Dental Assoc. Too bad their name gets a 1.5 for originality.

Left-hand side:
Dogonet, 311B 9th Street
Continental Car Service, 313 9th Street, 718-499-0909
Brooklyn Wholesale-Retail, 315 9th Street, 718-768-2390
Verizon Wireless, 315 9th Street, 718-788-6400
El Viejo Yayo, 317 9th Street, 718-965-7299
Brothers Oriental Express, 319 9th Street, 718-768-8955
Atomic Wings, 321 9th Street, 718-768-5665
Gheith Donia, 325 9th Street, 718-768-8064
HSBC, 325 9th Street, 800-975-HSBC
Steve's C-Town Supermarket, 327 9th Street, 718-965-9765
PC Tech Computer Services & Center, 337 9th Street, 718-768-2212
Dram Shop, 339 9th Street, 718-788-1444
CVS, 341 9th Street, 718-499-3332
YMCA Prospect Park, 357 9th Street, 718-768-7100
S & S Cleaners, 369 9th Street, 718-768-6121
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 371-373 9th Street
Brooklyn Bicycles, 375 9th Street, 718-768-2453

Right-hand side:
D II Discounts, 322 9th St
NYSC, 324 9th Street (Upstairs), 718-768-0880
Creative Hair Spa, 324 9th Street, 718-788-8796
H & R Block, 326 9th Street, 718-768-4933
Dental Center of Park Slope, 328 9th Street, 718-788-3168
Allstate Insurance Company, 328 9th Street (Upstairs), 718-499-8100
Park Slope Medical Center, 330 9th Street, 718-832-1964
9th Street Optical, 332 9th Street, 718-965-2545
A Gentle Dental Touch, 332 9th Street, 718-832-1222
Anthony Esposito, 332A 9th Street, 718-768-4756
Law Offices, 332A 9th Street (Upstairs)
9th St Launderette Cleaners, 334 9th Street
A&K Tile Studio, 336 9th Street, 718-369-6873
Foot Care, 338 9th Street, 718-788-2290
Accounting, 340 9th Street, 718-768-1563
EMPTY STOREFRONT, 340A 9th Street
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 342-358 9th Street
Herbert C. Schmirer, Podiatrist, 360 9th Street, 718-768-4529
Ninth Street Physical Therapy Center, 360A 9th Street, 718-768-7501
NY Total Medical Care, 362 9th Street, 718-499-6099
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 362-364 9th Street
Bravo Shoe Repair, 366 9th Street, 718-788-8669
APARTMENT BUILDINGS, 366-368 9th Street
Ninth Street Dental Assoc, 370 9th Street, 718-965-9823
Doctor's Office, 370 9th Street, 718-499-0202

Scoring
Bonuses – One Sweet Wing Place, One Better-than-tolerable Supermarket, One Medical Row, One Cool Bar, One New Bike Shop
Shames – One Empty Storefront, One Massive Bank, Approximately Ten Businesses with Lame Names

BEST DAMN SLOPE BLOCK ON THE BLOCK WINNER:
9TH ST FROM 5TH AVE TO 6TH AVE

Read way more from Shawn at eatdrinksnack.com.